Can boys and girls be friends?

[SleepyWitch]

hope this hasn't been done before:
can boys and girls/ women and men be friends, esp. when one of them is single? or will one of them start to romance the other sooner or later?

[bazarov]

They can be friends. It's very rare situation, usually when they know each other too long and too well.

[SleepyWitch]

too long and too well to feel attracted to each other? like brother and sister, you mean?

[papayahed]

I think so, but I had to rack my brain to come up with one guy I'm friends with that I haven't either dated previously or ended up dating as a result of being friends. But I was able to come up with one.

Then of course there are male coworkers that I have grown close too and that I consider friends, it's inevitable when you see someone everyday for years.

[Sir Chaucer]

May I present a view from a 1950's male?

Most definately men and women can be friends without the sexual aspect intruding and yes, that applies even where one or both are married.

For me, born in 1950, and having been abused in my early years and then bullied all the way through school, I find male/male friendship difficult to cope with (A matter of misstrust of any male)

However, I am at ease with most women and OK, there have been some friendships where I wished for sexual contact but recognised that such would be inappropriate and kept my feelings to myself. (But also remained friends!)

There is one extra point I will mention.

I am "straight" in my orientation but, the closest male friends I had had (2 of them) have been Gay. They knew of my preference and never intruded in a sexual manner, they were just really good people!

[BlueSkyGB]

Yes it is possible, I have two different friends that are of the opposite gender,
one that has been going on now for 20 years and another that is only about 2 years old..I believe that the circumstances determine what kind of friendship evolves.

[motherhubbard]

Many of my closest friends are men. One stands out above every other friend I’ve ever had. He was selfless and caring and did his best to take care of me during a time when I really needed someone to take care of me. I don’t know where I would be today if he hadn’t been there. Sadly, I was not such a good friend at that time and so the friendship ended. But if you’re still out there Clay, I still love you and appreciate what you did for me!

[SleepyWitch]

For me, born in 1950, and having been abused in my early years and then bullied all the way through school, I find male/male friendship difficult to cope with (A matter of misstrust of any male)


:( my boyfriend went through a similar experience, so most of his friends are female



However, I am at ease with most women and OK, there have been some friendships where I wished for sexual contact but recognised that such would be inappropriate and kept my feelings to myself. (But also remained friends!)

i like your attitude :)
i have lots of male friends and most of them never even dreamt of romancing me :) so I believe girls and boys/ men and women can be friends, too :)
but some guys really get on my nerves because as soon as you say "Hello" or "How are you?" they interpret it as a pick up line.
with most of them it's not even "sexual"... it's more like they are willing to start a relationship (even a steady one, I don't even mean casual sex or something) with the first girl who talks to them... it's really weird coz I tend to think you should get to know someone first before you figure out just how much you like them...

[Lote-Tree]

hope this hasn't been done before:
can boys and girls/ women and men be friends


Yes. I have women friends.



, esp. when one of them is single?


Yes. I have them kind of friend too.



or will one of them start to romance the other sooner or later?


You can't stop the Love Thing happening. No matter how hard you try.
But you can control the sexual aspect.

[Turk]

Friendship needs to destroy some walls between people without destroying those walls you can't be friend with someone. And if a man and a woman destory walls between each other, then either man or woman started to be a man or woman. I don't believe a man and a woman can really be friend without losing some part of their identities.

[SleepyWitch]

interesting thought, Turk...
but what if man and woman are a couple? wouldn't that mean they lose part of their identity, too?

[Turk]

That's different. If they are couple, they shouldn't have any walls between them, because there's love. I am talking about two possible result of being friend with opposite sex, destroying walls between a girl/boy will make you fall in love with her/him or losing a part of you gender identity.

[SleepyWitch]

ok... i see...
why would they lose part of their gender identity? you mean because they'd do activities together that are normally typical of only one of the genders? like the boy would have to go window-shopping with the girl and the girl play rugby with the boy? or do you more on a more abstract or psychological level?

[Turk]

So simple. If you put a boy between girls and raise with girls (that happens especially boys who have 4-5 sisters) he'll be like girls, because human affected from other people he spend his time. Also men and women are different even though capitalism (and inventions of capitalist economy such as feminism) tries to make 'em single gender, single workforce and single consumers. Plus friendship is one of those things which gives us our moral/psychological shape.

Also don't oversimply; i am not telling girls would play rugby or something like that; but for example my friends has some female friends; sometimes they join us; and they have to hear slang and manly jokes of males. I really don't like it; though i expect an individualist-selfish western person may tell me "it's their choice, not yours" i still don't approve it. That's making them lose their gender, i am not telling they are turning to man; but i am telling women should be like women (and now someone may tell me; "you can't stereotype people, everyone is free and everyone can be whoever they like to be").

Actually we should define friendship a little too, there's types of friendship; some is shallow like talking to someone, sometimes spending time with him/her, but here i am talking about true friendship based on understanding each other's thoughts and psychology.

[Virgil]

They can be friends. It's very rare situation, usually when they know each other too long and too well.

It's not rare. Adults have many opposite gender friends. It's young people who don't, probably becuase of over active hormones. ;)

[Pensive]

hope this hasn't been done before:
can boys and girls/ women and men be friends,

Yes.


esp. when one of them is single?

Yes


or will one of them start to romance the other sooner or later?

Not necessarily.



That's different. If they are couple, they shouldn't have any walls between them, because there's love. I am talking about two possible result of being friend with opposite sex, destroying walls between a girl/boy will make you fall in love with her/him or losing a part of you gender identity.

There is more to love than sexual relationship. In simple friendship, there is love as well.

As for what you said about gender identity, I totally disagree with you here. In other words, are you trying to suggest having a parrot as a pet would bring in me parrot-ish characteristics? :p

[Turk]

As for what you said about gender identity, I totally disagree with you here. In other words, are you trying to suggest having a parrot as a pet would bring in me parrot-ish characteristics? :p

People are not parrots.:D

[Pensive]

People are not parrots.:D

But it can move people away from the human-identification! Can't it? :p

[EAP]

Of course; yes is the only answer.

[manolia]

Of course. I have a lot of male friends myself..and some of them are single too. I can see no problem in that.

[Taliesin]

People are not parrots.:D

And boys are not girls.
:p

We personally think yes. Can't actually see why not.

[Idril]

I think they certainly can. I also acknowledge there is, at times, a danger, chemistry can pop up in the oddest places and without any warning but you can't let that limit who you become friends with. If those feelings should happen to pop up, there is such a thing as restraint and good sense and if you're such good friends, you should be able to talk about it and come to some sort of understanding, whatever that may be.

[Haven]

hope this hasn't been done before:
can boys and girls/ women and men be friends, esp. when one of them is single? or will one of them start to romance the other sooner or later?

This is fun. When I was studying for my Baccalaureate in London I met my best ever non-sexual relationship-wise male friend. His name was/is Dominic. He was/is bi-lingual [french/english]; most of the students on the Bacc.were/are bi-lingual on some mix of languages.
Okay, back to the question at hand. I was in a relationship, heterosexual [because I am]. Dominic was bi-sexual, and he enjoyed sex with either gender. Lunchtime at school was a very good time for the two of us, we would repair to the student union and catch up on our week. I would tell him of going to concerts in London, parties and my latest relationship issues. We would lie on these 'bean-bag' type things in the 'Students' Union' and chat. He was my best friend for a very long time and I am very glad to have known him. And so, to answer the question, most definitely yes, men and women can be very close friends but without a necessary sexual liaison. Admittedly, this was a little different as Dominic was not gay he was/is bi, so I suppose there was/is always the chance but our 'Lego doesn't/didn't fit that way'. Haven.

[Turk]

Well, Dominic is not opposite sex for you.

[Haven]

Well, Dominic is not opposite sex for you.

How do you know? Haven...

[Idril]

How do you know?

Exactly, if he's bi, anyone could possibly be under the heading as "the opposite sex". ;)

[BlueSkyGB]

Exactly, if he's bi, anyone could possibly be under the heading as "the opposite sex". ;)

Exactly.........LOL:lol:

but Yes, opposite sex friends are very possible, as per my previous post.

[EAP]

Nice story.

[dbowen73]

yeah of course they can be friends but i think there is a certain line to draw when it comes to this if a guy has no freinds that are guys then i think thats a little over the line. same for a girl if a girl never trys to make freinds with any girls that seems a bit suspicious to me. any way u look at it the only answer is yes whether they are single or not.

[kathycf]

He was my best friend for a very long time and I am very glad to have known him. He was totally special. We did everthing together, [except that..]
And so, to answer the question, most definitely yes, men and women can be very close friends but without a necessary sexual liaison. Admittedly, this was a little different as Dominic was not gay he was/is bi, so I suppose there was/is always the chance but our 'Lego doesn't/didn't fit that way'. Haven.
Your friend seems quite a character, Haven. I think true friendship is such a gift to receive, that when we find a special friend it really behooves us to cherish them, no matter what sex they are. If romantic chemistry rears it's head, well...so what? There is no reason why we have to act on every single impulse that passes through our minds.


In fact, it is often better (and legal) not to act on every single impulse! I often have impulses to whack people on the head when I am in traffic jams...;)

[Redzeppelin]

I think refining the question a bit might be interesting.

Of course it's possible for men and women to be "friends" without "romancing" each other - but can they be friends without sexual tension and/or sexual thoughts about the other? If you have sexual thoughts about your opposite sex friend, is your relationship still purely platonic, or did it go somewhere else - if only in your head? And does that change things? How?

[Stanislaw]

Well, I think it is possible for men and women to be friends without romancing eachother, and even capable for men and women to be friends without thinking of eachother in a sexual fashion.

I have some female friends whom I find extremely atractive, yet I keep my feelings to myself if I feel that they do not return the same or doing so would place them in an uncomfortable or undesirable situation, and in the same breath, I also have female friends whom I trust deeply, and yet I do not feel any romantic feelings towards them and I believe that they do not feel any romantice feelings for me.

I think romance and friendship is a good thing, so long as it doesn't feel strained or forced in any fashion, it may seem odd, but sometimes long friendships grow into romances.

[Durgamol]

i used to belive that friendship between men and women is possible. i even used to fight to prove it. until one day i found out that someone i considered to be my male-friend was sending to me some nasty-annonymous-sexual sms's... ;) no, friendship between men and women is not possible if at the same time they don't have some additional relationship (brother-sister; husband-wife etc.)

[Lote-Tree]

i used to belive that friendship between men and women is possible. i even used to fight to prove it. until one day i found out that someone i considered to be my male-friend was sending to me some nasty-annonymous-sexual sms's... ;) no, friendship between men and women is not possible if at the same time they don't have some additional relationship (brother-sister; husband-wife etc.)

That is terrible. But don't just base your arguments on just one experience. Majority of us have had that kind of dissappointment. But we learn from experience and find better friends :-)

[Durgamol]

That is terrible. But don't just base your arguments on just one experience. Majority of us have had that kind of dissappointment. But we learn from experience and find better friends :-)

i know that but i didn't find any male friend until now... But i did find my future husband ;) anyhow, i hope one day it will be possible for me to believe in it again

[Lote-Tree]

i know that but i didn't find any male friend until now... But i did find my future husband ;) anyhow, i hope one day it will be possible for me to believe in it again

I hope so too :-)

I believe when we are teenagers male and female friendships can be compounded by hormones. It is natural. But later in life when we learn to control our sex instinct and our hormones are balanced out then it becomes easier for friendship to develop and that kind of friendship to be lasting. But even then you can't stop the Love Thing happening. But you can control the sexual aspect....

[Moira]

It is possible for men and women to be friends.
It happens though that in some cases one is attracted to the other but because the other does not have the same feelings/ is not interested, the relationship stays a platonic one.

For me for example, my friends' (girls) boyfriends or husbands are sexless:), they are friends, fullstop.

[Annamariah]

I've had many male friends, and they've always been just friends, not boyfriends :)

[Lag866]

I think it is possible and this is from experience. I have many guy friends who have stayed only friends.

[Reccura]

yeah. That's possible. Well, except the personality of the girl and the boy... if one's flirty and the other's a flirt... no need to say anything. ZAP! They're together. :D

[EAP]

Boys and girls having sex can't be friends?

[Shalot]

Boys and girls having sex can't be friends?

nope. most women can't separate sex and love and they end up having feelings for the guy who considers her nothing more than a _____ buddy.

[Lote-Tree]

nope. most women can't separate sex and love and they end up having feelings for the guy who considers her nothing more than a _____ buddy.

I have recently come across that last word! I don't know what to make of it

As you say it seems to be true...while men can have sex without any emotional attachments but women find it difficult...I wonder why? Is it because of supression of their sexuality by men forced them into this kind of emotional blackmail...

[Idril]

As you say it seems to be true...while men can have sex without any emotional attachments but women find it difficult...

That may be the case the majority of the time but I've certainly known people who haven't fit into that mold, women who just want a boy toy and men who need to be in love to have a sexual relationship. I think it all comes down to emotional intimacy, women seem to have a need or a craving for it while men tend to avoid it. Of course, not all women fit into that category or men for that matter.

[Lote-Tree]

That may be the case the majority of the time but I've certainly known people who haven't fit into that mold, women who just want a boy toy and men who need to be in love to have a sexual relationship. I think it all comes down to emotional intimacy, women seem to have a need or a craving for it while men tend to avoid it. Of course, not all women fit into that category or men for that matter.

Yes. Women are changing. They are more freer to express their sexuality these days than when they were in victorian times. Perhaps this emotional needs comes from too much dependency on men in the past?

[Stanislaw]

Yes. Women are changing. They are more freer to express their sexuality these days than when they were in victorian times. Perhaps this emotional needs comes from too much dependency on men in the past?

What about Queen E. the virgin queen (or rather the queen who was anything but...) :D

[Lote-Tree]

What about Queen E. the virgin queen (or rather the queen who was anything but...) :D

And she expressed her Sexuality quite well in the courts I believe :-)

[EAP]

nope. most women can't separate sex and love and they end up having feelings for the guy who considers her nothing more than a _____ buddy.

Stereotypes are cool.

What is wrong with being friends-with-benefits or sex buddies?

[Lote-Tree]

What is wrong with being friends-with-benefits or sex buddies?

Nothing.

[SleepyWitch]

What is wrong with being friends-with-benefits or sex buddies?

nothing, if both of them agree that that's what they want.
the kind of situation I had in mind was this:
two people get to know each other, e.g. at school, work etc
the girl doesn't mind talking to the guy but she doesn't show him any special attention.
the guy takes her "good-morning"s and "how are you"s to mean something else than they mean. when they have coffee or lunch together, e.g. at the canteen, he sees it as a date (for the girl, it's not a date, only common courtesy; why should she not have lunch with her colleague, class mate etc)

sooner or later the guy finds out that the girl does not want to date him. he is totally shocked, upset, dismayed, and feels betrayed and cheated.

---> why does this happen so often and why do guys seem to misunderstand these situations more often than girls?

[Shalot]

Stereotypes are cool.

What is wrong with being friends-with-benefits or sex buddies?

please explain what you mean by stereotypes?

There is nothing wrong with friends-with-benefits except that friendships usually last a few years and that's it. but when you have one or more sex buddies you run the risk of passing all kinds of stds like hpv and hsv -- neither one will kill you but you keep them for life. (the hpv or hsv that is)

and all because of your friend....

gotta be careful who you do the deed with :nod: if I am going to contract some herpes it better come from someone I love .... :shrug:

[Taliesin]

Well, about sexual tension - maybe we are frigid or something but we are not sexually attracted to every (young) female we meet. Jeesh. Wonder how we could think about anything else if we did.

[EAP]

eh, forget it.

[Shalot]

eh, forget it.


I'm disappointed.

I wasn't asking what a stereotype was, if that's your issue.

[Sir Chaucer]

I've just come home from bill-paying and shopping.

Normally I would come home to an empty house but today my cleaner came early so let herself in, cleaned up and, passed me a cup of coffee as soon as I had put my electric scooter on charge and sat down.

Sheer bliss for me but, what's this to do with friendship between man and woman?

Well, my cleaner is an intelligent woman, we often talk, putting the world to rights and so on and, we've become friends.

But, no way would I consider her any more than just a friend, and believe me, being totally on my own, I really do want more than friendship.

And yes, during our talks she's trusted me with relationship matters which I would not reveal to anyone and, she knows and understands my "Loneliness" so to speak. So, to me...

She's more than a cleaner, she's a trusted friend whom I allow into my house even when I'm not at home and...

No Way could I ever consider breaking that trust by suggesting a relationship!

(PS. I employ a cleaner because I'm disabled and unable to do many things for myself and, not because I'm filthy rich and can't be bothered)

[Mortis Anarchy]

Boys and Girls can totally be friends. When I was little...kindergarten-present day, I have always had more friends that were boys than girls. I've only been in two relationships, both horrible, but I find that I get more out of being friends, only friends, with guys than if I were to date them. Granted, most of the time my friends that are guys I haven't really been attracted to them. Not that they weren't physically appealing or whatever, but I just haven't thought of them in that relationship type of way.

Shalot, your funny! The whole herpes thing...I'm sorry, I found in entertaining.::p Not in a sarcastic way either.

[applepie]

It is very possible but there are so many rules it seems. Most of my friends are guys, they are more mine and my husbands. I just don't get on with too many women since I have more in common with all the guys I know. Now here go some rules. Whether he is married or single he isn't to be at the house when I'm alone. It just looks wrong and rumors fly in this town. You can't go to the movies together or even go to the bar and leave your spouse at home... yadda yadda yadda. I'm sure you get the picture. We're friends, but relegated to group gatherings. If you aren't married the it is open game. Before my marriage I went out every week with a group of guy pals and played pool. We would go get a bite to eat after and just had an all around good time. I would also hook up with one or more to go to the movies. The trick is knowing how to manage them. If you find one has an interest in you then don't go out when it is just the two of you. Other than that, be prepared to brush off any number of jokes that could offend. Slaps on the bum happen too. It is just part of the course, at least with my group.

[the silent x]

Yes. Women are changing. They are more freer to express their sexuality these days than when they were in victorian times. Perhaps this emotional needs comes from too much dependency on men in the past?

if you have read Eaters of the dead/13th warrior by michael crichton, then you know of the sex those women went through, i think society is on a cycle in everything, our popular music will eventually cycle back to the reinventation of jazz, oldies, and country music, just like fashion will eventually go to people wearing almost nothing, to people wearing clothing like in elizabethean times, thus sex will reach a certain point where doing it for any other purpose besides breeding will be considered a crime against humanity and not allowed by popularity, until it is happening everywhere, every second of the day, no matter where you are, like in Brave New World by aldous huxley

[Shalot]

Shalot, your funny! The whole herpes thing...I'm sorry, I found in entertaining.::p Not in a sarcastic way either.

Aw thanks

:)

[Virgil]

What is wrong with being friends-with-benefits or sex buddies?

It's repulsive and of low character, that's what's wrong with it. Would you go around telling your parents, grandparents, and your aunts and uncles and other people who you wish to look at you with respect? Would you go around telling people at work? If that's the kind of esteem you wish to be associated with, then you will be known as sleaze. And it will catch up with you in your life in time. I can't believe so many people said nothing is wrong with it.

[mtpspur]

I hope they can just be friends or four or friends on this forum might not speak to me anymore. As to the benefits thing--from my observations it never works out and someone gets hurt--usually the one that falls in love first. Sex buddies and such take the responsibility and comitment to a relationship that love should inspire which hopefully leads to marriage but I'm an old fashioned romantic in that area well aware of the live together first routine. My ex-daughter-in-law was always VERY careful not getting her name on my son's rental agreements and he's still paying for that oversight.

[grace86]

I believe guys and girls can be friends, in terms of acquaintances and good friends. There are plenty of guys I would consider good/great friends. Best friends....no way. But that is of course my opinion.

The idea of having sex buddies or friends with benefits is kind of gross. I don't think that arrangement works too well for anyone. There is too much involved mentally, socially, emotionally and physically to take that kind of risk...and for what?!

[aldana]

It's not rare. Adults have many opposite gender friends. It's young people who don't, probably becuase of over active hormones. ;)

I don't agree with you when you say it's only young people who can't have friends of the opposite sex. Sometimes adults feel attacted to close friends, especially if they are single...

I believe that the problem comes when you know that person really well, and you spend countless hours sharing happyness and sorrows...you care for that person and sometimes that leads to romantic feelings. As somebody said in this thread (sorry i don't remember who) the romantic feeling you can't control, but yes the sexual instinct. But even if you can control that and decide not to act on it...the problem is that the friendship itself will no longer be the same...something changes. The person in love (or attacted to the other) will undoubtedly feel weird and things will change.

That actually happened to me once...A male friend started feeling attacted to me and he wanted to have a romantic relationship but i didn't share the feeling and so eventually we grew apart!! :bawling:


I believe guys and girls can be friends, in terms of acquaintances and good friends. There are plenty of guys I would consider good/great friends. Best friends....no way. But that is of course my opinion.



I definitely agree with you on this aspect...the problem arises when there's intimacy...that leads to deeper feelings...and there you are in trouble!!:p

[Virgil]

It's not rare. Adults have many opposite gender friends. It's young people who don't, probably becuase of over active hormones. ;)


I don't agree with you when you say it's only young people who can't have friends of the opposite sex. Sometimes adults feel attacted to close friends, especially if they are single...

I believe that the problem comes when you know that person really well, and you spend countless hours sharing happyness and sorrows...you care for that person and sometimes that leads to romantic feelings. As somebody said in this thread (sorry i don't remember who) the romantic feeling you can't control, but yes the sexual instinct. But even if you can control that and decide not to act on it...the problem is that the friendship itself will no longer be the same...something changes. The person in love (or attacted to the other) will undoubtedly feel weird and things will change.

That actually happened to me once...A male friend started feeling attacted to me and he wanted to have a romantic relationship but i didn't share the feeling and so eventually we grew apart!! :bawling:

Well, doesn't your experience prove my point? Your friend had over active hormones. ;) I didn't mean to imply it was absolute. I'm sure there are exceptions.

[grace86]

I definitely agree with you on this aspect...the problem arises when there's intimacy...that leads to deeper feelings...and there you are in trouble!!:p

I also speak from personal experience aldana ;)

[aldana]

The idea of having sex buddies or friends with benefits is kind of gross. I don't think that arrangement works too well for anyone. There is too much involved mentally, socially, emotionally and physically to take that kind of risk...and for what?!

Does this come out of personal experience as well? (if you don't mind my asking...:) ) I myself never dared to do it...because of fear of those risk...but i have often wondered if i missed out on anything!:p

I know, as a hopeless romantic as I am...that i would have never been able to do that...it would be too risky:sick:

[EAP]

The idea of having sex buddies or friends with benefits is kind of gross. I don't think that arrangement works too well for anyone. There is too much involved mentally, socially, emotionally and physically to take that kind of risk...and for what?!

There is too much involved mentally, socially, emotionally, physically and financially to marry someone as well? Is marriage gross as well? Why is the idea of casual sex so icky?


It's repulsive and of low character, that's what's wrong with it. Would you go around telling your parents, grandparents, and your aunts and uncles and other people who you wish to look at you with respect? Would you go around telling people at work? If that's the kind of esteem you wish to be associated with, then you will be known as sleaze. And it will catch up with you in your life in time. I can't believe so many people said nothing is wrong with it.

I am glad all of us are so tolerent and accepting here of perfectly legal acts. :)

[Virgil]

I am glad all of us are so tolerent and accepting here of perfectly legal acts. :)

And I have the freedom to point out what I consider socially dysfunctional behavior. Just because its legal does not make it decent. I'm entitled to express public disdain for repulsive behavior. Public disdain establishes social norms. If you had come on expressing racists ideas I would be just as intolerant. The problem with modern life is that every low life behavior is accepted in the name of tolerance. It may be legal but it does not make it acceptable. Like I said, would you go around telling the people you want and need respect from that you go with sex buddies? Frankly, I couldn't care less about your life and its dysfunctions, but there are other people, young people, who require boundaries of right and wrong.

[Mortis Anarchy]

It is very possible but there are so many rules it seems. Most of my friends are guys, they are more mine and my husbands. I just don't get on with too many women since I have more in common with all the guys I know. Now here go some rules. Whether he is married or single he isn't to be at the house when I'm alone. It just looks wrong and rumors fly in this town. You can't go to the movies together or even go to the bar and leave your spouse at home... yadda yadda yadda. I'm sure you get the picture. We're friends, but relegated to group gatherings. If you aren't married the it is open game. Before my marriage I went out every week with a group of guy pals and played pool. We would go get a bite to eat after and just had an all around good time. I would also hook up with one or more to go to the movies. The trick is knowing how to manage them. If you find one has an interest in you then don't go out when it is just the two of you. Other than that, be prepared to brush off any number of jokes that could offend. Slaps on the bum happen too. It is just part of the course, at least with my group.

When I first met my friend (male) he thought he owned the place because he was hanging out with two girls...please..anyways, slaps on the bum was very,very common. I'm not sure though why when you have friends that are the opposite sex, or at least from my experience they tend to think they own you or whatever. We are still really good friends, but at times he acts like I'm his girlfriend and can't watch certain movies, or look at other guys, or date anyone for that matter. I'm not sure what it is...anyclue? Now I think I'm going away from what I've said earlier...but I do agree with you, that boundaries are set whenever you have that friendship relationship thing.

[applepie]

When I first met my friend (male) he thought he owned the place because he was hanging out with two girls...please..anyways, slaps on the bum was very,very common. I'm not sure though why when you have friends that are the opposite sex, or at least from my experience they tend to think they own you or whatever. We are still really good friends, but at times he acts like I'm his girlfriend and can't watch certain movies, or look at other guys, or date anyone for that matter. I'm not sure what it is...anyclue? Now I think I'm going away from what I've said earlier...but I do agree with you, that boundaries are set whenever you have that friendship relationship thing.

he may have a crush on you. I found out that one of my best friends had been in love with me for years after I married. I felt really guilty and things were really strange between us after that.

[Mortis Anarchy]

Oh, well he did admit to having a crush on me...but he's a bit of a player and I think he was just angry that out of the entire female population of that area, I was the only one that didn't like him...eww:sick:

Another one of my good male friends asked me out last year but I told him no, because I would rather have a long relationship as friends than a short one of dating..or whatever...and we remain really good friends...it is a little weird though, sometimes.

But I still believe that males and females can have close friendships without crossing boundaries.:p

[SleepyWitch]

Is marriage gross as well?

YEEEEEES! :D

[grace86]

Does this come out of personal experience as well? (if you don't mind my asking...:) ) I myself never dared to do it...because of fear of those risk...but i have often wondered if i missed out on anything!:p

I know, as a hopeless romantic as I am...that i would have never been able to do that...it would be too risky:sick:

NO that part does not come from personal experience! :blush: Fear of those risks definitely play a part personally. I am a fellow romantic. :D


Originally posted by EAP
There is too much involved mentally, socially, emotionally, physically and financially to marry someone as well? Is marriage gross as well? Why is the idea of casual sex so icky?

Marriage is not casual sex.

[Mortis Anarchy]

YEEEEEES! :D

Haha...thats funny...I just watched Knocked Up...having a baby is gross...eugh:sick: and painful:( :bawling:

[SleepyWitch]

What's Knocked Up? Reality TV? watch births live! ???

[Virgil]

What's Knocked Up? Reality TV? watch births live! ???

I believe it's some movie that just came out. It's supposed to be very funny but I haven't seen it.

[Behemoth]

I don't think there can be a definitive answer to this question; anything involving human relationships is arguably relative (and certainly complicated if experience is anything to go by!). I think that younger people sometimes have a harder time accepting that a boy/girl can have a strong friendship without anything further going on, this was certainly the case among my companions at school. Whether you can have a close friend of the opposite sex is ultimately down to your individual perspective and behaviour and I think it can be a rewarding thing. :)

[Redzeppelin]

I think it works this way: sexual attraction and infatuation generally do not deal with reality - both of those thrive on idealization. As such, unless there is something in reality that clearly dissuades one from being sexually attracted to someone else, I believe that sexual tension is always present in male-female "friendships." By "reality" I mean that there is something about the person that clearly shuts off the sexual attraction - perhaps that girl at work whom you were drooling over finally pulled out her baby pictures from her purse and the reality hit you that this is a mother who loves her kid and husband and won't be jaunting off to the supply closet with you; or, the man whom you were all dreamy-eyed over suddely has a fit of temper at work over a trivial matter and suddenly he's a bit less dreamy. That's what I mean. When we are in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I think that - barring some "reality factor" like I've just mentioned or a physical make-up that does not appeal to us, we will experience sexual attraction (and even the "looks" part can be mitigated - plenty of men/women who have had affairs chose people who were less (not more) attractive than their spouses - because attitude can override physicality in many ways.

[EAP]

Marriage is not casual sex.

I dont think anybody is saying it is. Just that all the factors you listed are also present, to an ever larger extent, in marriage as well - justification of one over another based on rational parameters is liable to fall flat on its face.

As a personal choice, I can totally understand it. :)


And I have the freedom to point out what I consider socially dysfunctional behavior. Just because its legal does not make it decent. I'm entitled to express public disdain for repulsive behavior. Public disdain establishes social norms. If you had come on expressing racists ideas I would be just as intolerant. The problem with modern life is that every low life behavior is accepted in the name of tolerance. It may be legal but it does not make it acceptable. Like I said, would you go around telling the people you want and need respect from that you go with sex buddies? Frankly, I couldn't care less about your life and its dysfunctions, but there are other people, young people, who require boundaries of right and wrong.


Aww. Cute.

[LadyW]

Throughout my childhood, the ratio of male/female friends leaned heavily towards the latter. Looking back, I'm not exactly sure why... I guess it was just the done thing. I found males lacked a certain degree of maturity and although there were a few exceptions, I tended not to hang around with them.
Towards my last years in primary school, I became quite a solitary person and spent every lunchtime, for approximately 3 years, reading books. This was mainly due to a serious amount of sly bullying from the girls and rather blunt verbal abuse from the boys.
I entered Highschool in need of a fresh start and after a year I landed myself some excellent friends. This is when the male/female ratio altered dramatically - I had roughly... 7 male friends and only 2 or 3 female friends. This is still the case now.

There are things I prefer about both sets of friends.
[The following descriptions are not generalizations of each gender.]
With my female friends, I feel we can dicuss things openly, moan about things like there is no tomorrow, share fairly personal secrets and have a few light hearted laughs.
My only issue perhaps, is the occasional *****iness directed at eachother and even more rarely - bordem.

With my male friends I am almost always guaranteed fun and laughter. Occasionally I may even get a rather deep conversation out of them :p I'm the only female amongst my male friends and so I enjoy the sense of individuality.
The only issue here is a clash of personalities...
Without meaning to offend, alot of males lack some understanding and tact when it comes to females - which doesn't exactly help when you're down.
I sometimes get the odd sexist comment, but thats only to wind me up because they know Im a roaring little feminist :P
I think the biggest downside to a friendly male-female relationship is if either party falls in love with the other - it can be potentially disastrous to the relationship.

What are your thoughts on male an female friends?

Like me, do you spot significant differences between the two?

[kratsayra]

Sometimes I wonder if friendships are better if you have the possibility of some kind of sexual tension. Not when you actually get involved with the person, but when the friendship is somehow fueled by some kind of curiosity or possibility - even if it's one-sided.

Because my closest, closest friends have always been guys or bi/gay girls. What's up with that? I have had many close friends that were straight girls but for some reason those friendships have never been as satisfying. Maybe I'm just insane . . .

[pussnboots]

When I was growing up I had both male and females as friends. It was pretty much 50/50. Since I was a tomboy, I played ball with the guys when my girl friends were doing girlie things.
Like you Lady W, with my girl friends we spoke abt guys and shared secrets. Of course you always had one female in the group that thought she was better than everyone else. With the guys they never showed their superiority over me. They treated me like their sister. They would sometimes use me as an intermediary if they liked a particular friend of mine.
What I remember growing up was that my male friends never pitted one against the other, where as my female friends had a habit of doing that. The females fought more than the males.
Now today, I have more female friends than male friends. I prefer it that way.
I do agree with you as far as the downside of a friendly female/male relationship. It can be disasterous if one happens to feel strongly abt the other where the other doesn't. I've seen it happen to some of my friends growing up and their friendship ended, they never spoke to each other again.
I think it can also be hard on the female if her boyfriend/husband has a lot of female friends that he is close with. Unless the female feels very secure in her relationship it can cause problems. I know, I've been there and I've come to the realization that it is ok for my husband to be close with a female in a friendly way. I'm curious as to how the men feel about their girlfriend/wife having a close friendly relationship with a male. What do you say guys ?

[LadyW]

Of course you always had one female in the group that thought she was better than everyone else.
Ha ha ha deffinitely!
Although I managed to disassociate myself with that kind of gang at a very young age...


I do agree with you as far as the downside of a friendly female/male relationship. It can be disasterous if one happens to feel strongly abt the other where the other doesn't. I've seen it happen to some of my friends growing up and their friendship ended, they never spoke to each other again.
Ah yes, I've actually been involved in something similar and it's extremely harsh :(
I won't go into the details but I ultimately lost two best friends because of it...


I think it can also be hard on the female if her boyfriend/husband has a lot of female friends that he is close with. Unless the female feels very secure in her relationship it can cause problems./QUOTE]
Yes absolutely... I've never actually been in that position myself but I guess it can be pretty tough.
I suppose insecurity in relatioships can be a result of bad experiences in the past though too.

[QUOTE=kratsayra;520833]Sometimes I wonder if friendships are better if you have the possibility of some kind of sexual tension. Not when you actually get involved with the person, but when the friendship is somehow fueled by some kind of curiosity or possibility - even if it's one-sided.

I think I understand what you mean... I'm a straight female and maybe one of the reasons I have alot of male friends is simply because of the curiousity we have about the opposite sex. I personally have no feelings for my male friends in a romantic sense but still it's somewhat exciting to be in a friendly relationship with a male. I do hope I don't sound like the most obvious flirt here, because my friends are like brothers to me - I'm merely explaining that I do understand what you're saying.

[pussnboots]

Sometimes I wonder if friendships are better if you have the possibility of some kind of sexual tension. Not when you actually get involved with the person, but when the friendship is somehow fueled by some kind of curiosity or possibility - even if it's one-sided.

If the two people can handle it, why not ?

Because my closest, closest friends have always been guys or bi/gay girls. What's up with that? I have had many close friends that were straight girls but for some reason those friendships have never been as satisfying. Maybe I'm just insane . . .
No, I don't think you are insane. I personally find nothing wrong with that.

[kratsayra]

I think I understand what you mean... I'm a straight female and maybe one of the reasons I have alot of male friends is simply because of the curiousity we have about the opposite sex. I personally have no feelings for my male friends in a romantic sense but still it's somewhat exciting to be in a friendly relationship with a male. I do hope I don't sound like the most obvious flirt here, because my friends are like brothers to me - I'm merely explaining that I do understand what you're saying.

Yes, that's kind-of what I was talking about. Especially in high school. Now I feel a bit too grown-up to be that way (or b/c I'm in a committed relationship) and I kind-of miss it.

About partners having friends of the opposite sex or whatever . . . I think it could also depend on what the status of the person they are friends with is.

My boyfriend has one old friend who is female, and he had an enormous crush on her for years and years before we got together. But I know her pretty well and they have known each other for so long (and she never liked him back romantically!) so I don't feel too uncomfortable about their friendship - plus he doesn't hang out with her all that much nowadays. If he hung out with her all the time I might wonder. And if he started hanging around with some girl suddenly that I didn't know I'd probably get jealous. ;)

[LadyW]

My boyfriend has one old friend who is female, and he had an enormous crush on her for years and years before we got together. But I know her pretty well and they have known each other for so long (and she never liked him back romantically!) so I don't feel too uncomfortable about their friendship. But if he started hanging around with some girl suddenly that I didn't know I'd probably get jealous. ;)
Yes, admittedly... I think I would be rather jealous too. I seldom experience jealousy but on that rare occasion I have felt it, I've loathed myself for it. It's one of the worst feelings one can endure... quite bitter and sickening.
I admire you for how secure you must be with your boyfriend. If I was in a long term relationship with a male who had an old friend who he previously liked for years, I wouldn't be jealous... just rather wary and precautious.

[kratsayra]

See above - I think I changed my post a bit while you were writing! - he doesn't hang out with that friend that much anymore. I'm not sure how I'd feel if they hung out all the time. I'm a pretty jealous person. :sick: But that particular girl that he's friends with I know well and she's nice and cool and almost like my friend too.

[LadyW]

See above - I think I changed my post a bit while you were writing! - he doesn't hang out with that friend that much anymore. I'm not sure how I'd feel if they hung out all the time. I'm a pretty jealous person. :sick: But that particular girl that he's friends with I know well and she's nice and cool and almost like my friend too.

Still, it is nice that you are so secure in your relationship that the idea doesn't stick to the back of your mind constantly.
It's also good that you have found friendship with this girl yourself and not out of an attempt to appear completely trusting and secure when you're secretly paranoid.

[Shea]

Right now, my friendships are 50/50, but I couldn't say that I have any really close friends, because my husband fills that role. In high school, I tended to have more "big brothers", but I never really understood that so much because I was never a tomboy. On the otherhand, I wasn't into the latest trends and gossip either.

My best friend through high school was a guy, and we made the mistake of getting involved romantically. During our engagement, he was no longer the person I knew. He shut me out, became distant, and really hurt me, because I had to break it off. For a long time I kept analyzing what I could have done to make him behave that way, but I never figured it out. I still really miss the friendship we use to have before all that happened.

[Dori]

I believe that a man and a woman can be friends, but eventually--inevitably--one will "fall in love" with the other. That has been my experience so far in the sixteen and a half years that I've lived.

[LadyW]

I believe that a man and a woman can be friends, but eventually--inevitably--one will "fall in love" with the other. That has been my experience so far in the sixteen and a half years that I've lived.
Inevitably? Hmm, that's quite an interesting notion...
I doubt that is the case in every single circumstance. But I will testify to that statement from personal experience.
Most commonly, the feelings are not reciprocated... Do you believe that a friendship can still survive despite this?

[Dori]

Inevitably? Hmm, that's quite an interesting notion...
I doubt that is the case in every single circumstance. But I will testify to that statement from personal experience.
Most commonly, the feelings are not reciprocated... Do you believe that a friendship can still survive despite this?

Perhaps not inevitably, but most likely.

I'm not sure about the question you posed. I'm limited to my personal experience. I can't even wager a guess.

[kratsayra]

I don't know about "fall in love" but maybe it's very likely that one person will eventually develop a crush of some degree on the other person. And the friendship can definitely survive as such through that - I've had that experience. Maybe it can't always, but it is certainly possible. It doesn't necessarily doom the friendship.

[LadyW]

I'm not sure about the question you posed. I'm limited to my personal experience. I can't even wager a guess.

I have limited experience myself...
However, I would suggest that the survival of the relationship would depend how deep the romantic attatchment was...
If the feelings were only temporary, I suppose any hardships are easily overcome. If it was love... well that's a different story.

[kratsayra]

I have limited experience myself...
However, I would suggest that the survival of the relationship would depend how deep the romantic attatchment was...
If the feelings were only temporary, I suppose any hardships are easily overcome. If it was love... well that's a different story.

Indeed. Love is a different story :p I can't speak to that type of situation.

[Virgil]

Throughout my childhood, the ratio of male/female friends leaned heavily towards the latter. Looking back, I'm not exactly sure why... I guess it was just the done thing. I found males lacked a certain degree of maturity

What? I found girls lacked maturity, obssessed over make up and clothes. :p ;) I think "maturity" is a matter of perception and definition.

[LadyW]

What? I found girls lacked maturity, obssessed over make up and clothes. :p ;) I think "maturity" is a matter of perception and definition.
Yes I understand what you mean...
However, you must admit that children... male or female do posses a certain level of immaturity. Personally, I was always rather sensible for my age... so I suppose I found both genders a little childish, but mainly boys.

[mercy_mankind]

What are your thoughts on male an female friends?

Like me, do you spot significant differences between the two?

First of all , there is nothing called friendship between males and females , because that friendship won't be pure , so I think that each of them has to befriended with the same , as males with males and females with females , that will be so comfortable than any thing else ,
Note: this is not my opinion , it is a scientific researches .
Thank you , :)

[Anza]

Guy frinds are so much less backstabbing and manipulative! Girls, on the other hand, are more nurturing. I have more guy friends, than I do female friends, but my female friends are closer.

[Bakiryu]

What are your thoughts on male an female friends?

Like me, do you spot significant differences between the two?

I had male friends for the first 14 years of my life, actually I think for the first 9 years everyone though I was a guy and then they were like "Hey! since when do YOU have boobs!?"

I like my male friends usually more than the girls, I'm sorry. Women just are so down. A guy would never say "Bakiryu, I feel small! Do you think my girlfriend loves me? I'm fat! I'm so ugly!" and break down crying. He'd probably make me laugh until I turned red and then share with me commentaries about girls and tv shows.

I like women friends for shopping and advice, they are more emotional and open.
I like male friends for companionship and like-mindedness.

[Anza]

:lol: Wow, Baki! You're so freaking funny!

[Bakiryu]

:lol: Wow, Baki! You're so freaking funny!

:lol: only on the 'net, I'm afraid, love.

[Anza]

Aww, I'm sure you're funny all the time. You can't say, also that you're only awesome over the net.

[Pensive]

First of all , there is nothing called friendship between males and females , because that friendship won't be pure , so I think that each of them has to befriended with the same , as males with males and females with females , that will be so comfortable than any thing else ,
Note: this is not my opinion , it is a scientific researches .
Thank you , :)

What's pure friendship?

[SleepyWitch]

Sometimes I wonder if friendships are better if you have the possibility of some kind of sexual tension. Not when you actually get involved with the person, but when the friendship is somehow fueled by some kind of curiosity or possibility - even if it's one-sided.

Because my closest, closest friends have always been guys or bi/gay girls. What's up with that? I have had many close friends that were straight girls but for some reason those friendships have never been as satisfying. Maybe I'm just insane . . .

or maybe you are so attractive that even straight girls turn gay when they get to know you? ;) :D j/k

[browneyedbailey]

What are your thoughts on male an female friends?

Like me, do you spot significant differences between the two?

I do see a diffrence. A BIG one. My female friend are snooty and the male, I understand better. But I am female...

[Koa]

Growing up, I only had female friends. Well there were boys we'd hang around with, but I could never trust boys. I felt judged all the time, for not being as cute and feminine as the other girls (this still hinders my relation with the opposite sex in a certain sense), so I was always playing a role, masking my weaknesses etc.
With girls I would share anything instead. When I get to meet new people, it often takes me time before being comfortable with boys, while I can be comfortable with girls in just a few seconds. I just feel more relaxed.

At high school, we only had one boy in our class, and I think I can (could) consider him a friend, but since he was more of a puppy than a man to us, it felt like there was no gender involved anyway.

At Uni I got a male friend, and fell in love with him. It didn't end up well but I think his friendship was too shallow to last anyway.

Now, during the past couple of monhts, I've been hanging around a lot with two boys, and for the first time I feel absolutely fantastic in the presence of male beings. The only times I've been truly happy lately have been with them. But, I'm sorry, I'm desperate for a partner so there is some sort of tension. I have a huge, obsessive, desperate crush on one of them, who is gay. I thought I should concentrate on the other one but he doesn't attract me that much so maybe I just see him as a friend. But when we're all together all this doesn't matter, it's just fun and craziness. (they are very deep and sensitive) I also love to be treated and spoilt by them (to some extent of course), it's just so unusual for me.

One thing that fascinates me A LOT instead is friendship between males. I would love to understand how they feel, it doesn't seem to me that it's like friendship between girls. So that's another thing with these two boys, I like to study their friendship.

[SleepyWitch]

I had male friends for the first 14 years of my life, actually I think for the first 9 years everyone though I was a guy and then they were like "Hey! since when do YOU have boobs!?"


hahahahahahha :) Baki, this could be the story of my life, too :)

my best friend in kindergarten was a guy.
in primary school, my best friend was a girl, but I also hung out with a bunch of boys regularly. I did boyish things with both the girl friend and the guys (like building tree houses, romping around in the country side, spying on weirdos in the neighbourhood etc).
now it's 50/50 guys and girls and I agree with what most of you have said (i.e. girls are more emotional etc, whereas guys are good for a laugh etc), but I also find I can have a better conversation about politics, philosophy, the sad state of the modern world etc. with guys, because many girls are more interested in 'personal' things.... I do talk a lot about work/univ with my best friend (girl) and she tells me about her field of work (social work), but we never discuss any academic or theoretical issues (except psychology and social work theories)

as for the whole crush issue... I think even when ppl don't really have a crush on their friend, there's always the possibility of a crush at the back of their minds and this can make girl-guy friendships a bit awkward.. .like when you have a guy friend who is smart, nice, good looking and all that (objectively speaking) but you don't have a crush on him but sometimes you think "Hey, why is it I don't have a crush on him? He's so cool, I should have a crush!" and then you decide that's nonsense but it's very embarrassing to catch yourself having such thoughts :blush: )



One thing that fascinates me A LOT instead is friendship between males. I would love to understand how they feel, it doesn't seem to me that it's like friendship between girls. So that's another thing with these two boys, I like to study their friendship.

hehehe, remember my thread about friendship between men in books or films?
let's found the Institute for the Investigation of Male Friendship together, OK?
you can be the chair (professor), but I want to be the Special Investigator of Male Psychology during Menopause :D (nothing to do with friendship, but never mind)

[Koa]

hehehe, remember my thread about friendship between men in books or films?
let's found the Institute for the Investigation of Male Friendship together, OK?
you can be the chair (professor), but I want to be the Special Investigator of Male Psychology during Menopause :D (nothing to do with friendship, but never mind)

No I don't remember that thread, I guess I wasn't around.
why during Menopause? With one of my abovementioned friends we've been discussing the PMS the other guy seems to have :lol: :lol: :lol:

[1n50mn14]

Hmm. I don't lean toward either gender, particularily. I like to get to know somebody before discerning if they're appropriate 'friend' material. If they're catty, sly, backstabbing, boring, any of the above, they're out, and that can happen in either gender.

All of my friends hang out in this kind of huge jumble, male and female. And we usually end up doing the same things- playing Wii, Guitar Hero, various other video games, drinking, or just going with the flow and doing random stuff (e.g pirate night, transgendered tea party, climbing church scaffolding, swimming in the Speed River, bagpipes on Wyndham st. downtown in my city, etc).

There's a definite differnce. I also think women tend to be more decisive in what they want to do and suggest things to do. With my boyfriend, who I will be cheesy and venture to say is my best friend, we end up sitting there going "No, what do you want to do?" "I don't care, what do you want to do?" "I want to do whatever you want to do." "Nonono, what do YOU want to do?"

[Koa]

There's a definite differnce. I also think women tend to be more decisive in what they want to do and suggest things to do. With my boyfriend, who I will be cheesy and venture to say is my best friend, we end up sitting there going "No, what do you want to do?" "I don't care, what do you want to do?" "I want to do whatever you want to do." "Nonono, what do YOU want to do?"

I get that with one of my female friends all the time. With my guys it doesn't seem to be happening at all.

[SleepyWitch]

No I don't remember that thread, I guess I wasn't around.
why during Menopause? With one of my abovementioned friends we've been discussing the PMS the other guy seems to have :lol: :lol: :lol:

male menopause is such an interesting phenomenon!!!! it can resemble so many other 'disorders', e.g. bipolar disorder or hypomania and can take you ages to figure out which of these 3 it is :) ... plus, it does have to do with male friendship after all, bc. males tend to have undiagnosed depressions and they don't have any close friends they can talk about their feelings with. they may have what males consider 'close' friends, but seeing as men tend to 'wave their d*cks at each other' even among friends, they don't confess their weakness to friends, so they are left alone in their depression. menopause--> depression--> no friend to talk to--> even more depressed
heeheee, you got me going off on a tangent here :)

[Lote-Tree]

Throughout my childhood, the ratio of male/female friends leaned heavily towards the latter. Looking back, I'm not exactly sure why... I guess it was just the done thing. I found males lacked a certain degree of maturity and although there were a few exceptions, I tended not to hang around with them.
Towards my last years in primary school, I became quite a solitary person and spent every lunchtime, for approximately 3 years, reading books. This was mainly due to a serious amount of sly bullying from the girls and rather blunt verbal abuse from the boys.
I entered Highschool in need of a fresh start and after a year I landed myself some excellent friends. This is when the male/female ratio altered dramatically - I had roughly... 7 male friends and only 2 or 3 female friends. This is still the case now.

There are things I prefer about both sets of friends.
[The following descriptions are not generalizations of each gender.]
With my female friends, I feel we can dicuss things openly, moan about things like there is no tomorrow, share fairly personal secrets and have a few light hearted laughs.
My only issue perhaps, is the occasional *****iness directed at eachother and even more rarely - bordem.

With my male friends I am almost always guaranteed fun and laughter. Occasionally I may even get a rather deep conversation out of them :p I'm the only female amongst my male friends and so I enjoy the sense of individuality.
The only issue here is a clash of personalities...
Without meaning to offend, alot of males lack some understanding and tact when it comes to females - which doesn't exactly help when you're down.
I sometimes get the odd sexist comment, but thats only to wind me up because they know Im a roaring little feminist :P
I think the biggest downside to a friendly male-female relationship is if either party falls in love with the other - it can be potentially disastrous to the relationship.

What are your thoughts on male an female friends?

Like me, do you spot significant differences between the two?

I am opposite to you LadyW...I have more female friends than male ones! I have said why this is the case in my previous posts on this forum :D

[kratsayra]

or maybe you are so attractive that even straight girls turn gay when they get to know you? ;) :D j/k

Hahaha. I'm not saying that! ;) I know for a fact that one of my female friends from college (university) who is gay had a crush on me. And I suspect that someone else did too, but she was in a long-term relationship so that doesn't really count. And maybe I just wish she did. :p



as for the whole crush issue... I think even when ppl don't really have a crush on their friend, there's always the possibility of a crush at the back of their minds and this can make girl-guy friendships a bit awkward.. .like when you have a guy friend who is smart, nice, good looking and all that (objectively speaking) but you don't have a crush on him but sometimes you think "Hey, why is it I don't have a crush on him? He's so cool, I should have a crush!" and then you decide that's nonsense but it's very embarrassing to catch yourself having such thoughts :blush: )

I have totally done that! I know exactly what you mean. :)

[Shurtugal]

i prefer having guy friends... but what i want and what i have is two different subjects. i have , like, only, 4 guy friends and um... like 11 girl friends. :lol: and three of my guy friends i haven't see in like-what?- a year and a half. the only other guy friends i see regurally-Jo- we don't really hang out, but i'm beginning to be able to think him as a friend. i'm real slow getting friends... real slow!

[kratsayra]

hehehe, remember my thread about friendship between men in books or films?
let's found the Institute for the Investigation of Male Friendship together, OK?
you can be the chair (professor), but I want to be the Special Investigator of Male Psychology during Menopause :D (nothing to do with friendship, but never mind)

I'd like to join the Institute for the Investigation of Male Friendship, if I'm allowed in. :) It's like a big mystery to me - my boyfriend and his guy friends - I just can't figure out their friendships at all. What do they talk about (when I'm not there)? Guys always seem so much more easygoing with each other than girls seem with each other. But do they still share their feelings when necessary? Or not? Etc . . .

[livelaughlove]

Well, I was a little socially awkward in middle school but since I've started high school things have gotten much better. My closest friends are girls (there are six of us) but I'm able to talk and hang out with guys no problem. I go to a small private school and our whole grade knows each other so we all have a good time without worrying who is who, which is great. I have guy friends at work whom I have fun with but nobody whom I really think I could have a serious conversation with about something. That falls to my girlfriends. I will say, though, that I've never been in a relationship - I've been close a few times but it never actually ends up happening for me. I'm not sure why - but I know that when the right time comes along, things will get going. I just try to learn wherever I can.

I will say, though, that boys are much more chill with their friends than I could ever be with my friends. I think because generally females are more emotional and dramatic while boys are more laid back. Not to over-generalize but that is what I think.

[mercy_mankind]

What's pure friendship?


Actually I mean the meaning of the word "Pure"
as ,I'm female I have to befriended with a female just like me , she will understand me , she will be a friend not because of my gender but because of my character and my manners , she won't try to show me any thing in her ( her way of talking , her success , etc , and don't misunderstand me again Pensive) to attract me towards her .
her words will be a true ones , she won't try to deceive me.
I'll not be afraid from her acts and doings In any time.
we will be friends forever , I'll tell the world that I love her without waiting someone saying bad words about me ,
I'll be her friend after marriage and before marriage ,
My husband won't be worried about me while being with her.
my parents won't be afraid from her .
I'll be so comfortable .
That is the Pure Friendship, that last forever . :)
and, Thank you.

[Pensive]

Actually I mean the meaning of the word "Pure"
as ,I'm female I have to befriended with a female just like me , she will understand me , she will be a friend not because of my gender but because of my character and my manners ,

A male can't befriend a female due to her character?


she won't try to show me any thing in her to attract me towards her .

Err I don't get what you mean by 'show you'.


her words will be a true ones , she won't try to deceive me.

Is a male friend bound to deceive a female?


I'll not be afraid from her acts and doings In any time.

Good.


we will be friends forever , I'll tell the world that I love her without waiting someone saying bad words about me ,

If people say 'bad things' about friendship between males and females, it's the problem with the world not those friends.


I'll be her friend after marriage and before marriage ,
My husband won't be worried about me while being with her.

Again I think there would be little trust between you and your husband if your husband starts getting worried about you just because you are in the company of males.


my parents won't be afraid from her .

Good.


I'll be so comfortable .
That is the Pure Friendship, that last forever . :)
and, Thank you.

Not wanting to scare you or anything, but you know there is something called a 'lezbian' too. :p

[mercy_mankind]

Is a male friend bound to deceive a female?


Yes , it is an act , when you are so closer friends , Isn't it lead to a dangerous problems?


Good.
Good , so you agree with me?


If people say 'bad things' about friendship between males and females, it's the problem with the world not those friends.

Really!!! The World's problem?
No It is the two friend's problem.


Again I think there would be little trust between you and your husband if your husband starts getting worried about you just because you are in the company of males.

What ? a little trust , so you want to say that there is a man in the world or a woman agree happily to see his\her wife\husband with a male\female friend , telling him her secrets sharing with him her life , made him a member of that family ?
Oh , no I don't think that It is true.


Good.
the second "good"
I don't know you agree or disagree .

Not wanting to scare you or anything, but you know there is something called a 'lezbian' too.
I think that I don't understand that word "lezbian" , also , I don't know why you said that you scared me .
That is my opinion , and I'm not trying to persuade any one to agree or disagree with me , it is your own decision ,
Thanks for using my favourite color , :)

[Pensive]

Yes , it is an act , when you are so closer friends , Isn't it lead to a dangerous problems?

Would you please like to give me an example of those dangerous problems?


Good , so you agree with me?

Not necessarily, I meant it's good if you would never be afraid of an action of a female friend. But still I can't see what would in a male friend get you on the edge of fear. And if it's related to some society b******t, then whatever the society considers to be okay does not have to be really fine.



Really!!! The World's problem?
No It is the two friend's problem.

Once again I would repeat that everything condemned by a certain society doesn't have to be wrong. If the society is forcing you to drink alcohol, and you know as a Muslim it's forbidden in Islam, would you just devour it because society thinks you have to do it? Even if you are forced to have it, would you start thinking that society made you do the right thing? I don't think so...


What ? a little trust , so you want to say that there is a man in the world or a woman agree happily to see his\her wife\husband with a male\female friend , telling him her secrets sharing with him her life , made him a member of that family ?
Oh , no I don't think that It is true.

I have seen husbands getting more unhappy with their wives' friends (yes, friends who are women) too. And by the way who said friendship means making someone the member of family or sharing 'each and everything' with her/him?


the second "good"
I don't know you agree or disagree .

I meant to say it's good if your parents wouldn't be scared of the female friends you make....though probably it's not too good. Often the stories of little girls befriending some older ones who turn out to be child-mollesters come in newspapers...


I think that I don't understand that word "lezbian" , also , I don't know why you said that you scared me .

Good. Now you wouldn't get scared. :p


That is my opinion , and I'm not trying to persuade any one to agree or disagree with me , it is your own decision ,
Thanks for using my favourite color , :)

I know. I am not making any judgements here on whether male and females can be friends (though it can be an interesting discussion too) but I just didn't agree with your points. I might be in agreement with your actual idea (but there is 'might') but I don't support the points you give for it.

Oh and you are welcome. :)

[sprinks]

I think the hardest thing about these types of conversations is the fact that people generalise too much, like "guys are good for laughs and girls are good for meaningful conversation". I honestly think it all depends on the individual.
And the other thing is that people have different thoughts on friendship, so some people might count anybody they've known for years but don't have deep and meaningful conversations with as best friends whereas others count the people that are the closest to them as their best friends, so these different values would most likely affect peoples thoughts on the matter.

But as for me, I think I have an almost even amount of male and female friends, and some males I have better conversations with than some of the females, and some of the females I have better conversations with than some of the males. It really just depends on the individuals.

[dramasnot6]

My life-long pattern of friendships has always been a great balance of female and male friends, experiencing varying degrees of intimacy and trust with both genders. I usually have 3-4 best girlfriends, who i spend a lot of time with, one or two of which I consider my 'best friends' and deeply trust. I have always had a male as my "very best friend", one extremely close guy friend and a few other good ones.
Besides that, it's usually very easy for me to make an abundance casual friends, but I have a lot of trouble really connecting with people. For this reason, I often find myself feeling rather lonely,which most don't suspect because I 'technically' do have a lot of "friends".

[Chava]

Okay, so i've mostly only had male friends. I never understood the world of intrigue of the females in my age group. I didn't understand the social code for who was friends with who that day. The girls were just manipulative and cunning. If you disagreed with them, they would wind everyone up against you, etc.
Boys on the other hand... disagree with them and we sort it out with a wrestling match on the balancing beam. Winner takes all, end of story, everyone is friends afterwards.
Incidentally i was the only girl who was allowed to join them playing tag or anyhitng since i was the only girl who didn't cry when i got hurt. :)

Even today, my closest friends are males, or as someone else put it, bi/gay females. :)

[sprinks]

Some girls, and women, can be very cunning and manipulative. I don't see that in males, that's for sure.

Wow I know some equally cunning and manipulative males! They are more manipulative than cunning though, but most certainly they're as bad as how most females are percieved to be. The only thing with the guys I know is that they're a lot more obvious about why they're being cunning and manipulative than the females are.

[mercy_mankind]

Would you please like to give me an example of those dangerous problems?



First of all i've to tell you that me and you represent a different cultures.
and my concept of friendship is also different from your one .
Friendship means for me brotherhood , as there is a chance to choose my sister myself, it doesn't mean that i don't love my sister but i have to choose one or more will help me during my life , if they found any mistakes they will tell me the right because they love me.
so my friends mean a lot for me. I observe that the most posts here talking as if friendship is a sort of amusing. and they think that male friends are amusing more than females. I think that it is a sort of insult to the meaning of friendship.


Once again I would repeat that everything condemned by a certain society doesn't have to be wrong. If the society is forcing you to drink alcohol, and you know as a Muslim it's forbidden in Islam, would you just devour it because society thinks you have to do it? Even if you are forced to have it, would you start thinking that society made you do the right thing? I don't think so...
Your example is very nice one, but believe me that it is the right way.
also you have this thing acceptable in your society but it doesn't mean that everything in your society must be "" right traditions "" also in my society there are some tradition and habits are wrong and i refuse them , but they are acceptable and wrong alike.
Finally i'm glad for that discussion with you :)

[Pensive]

First of all i've to tell you that me and you represent a different cultures.
and my concept of friendship is also different from your one .
Friendship means for me brotherhood , as there is a chance to choose my sister myself, it doesn't mean that i don't love my sister but i have to choose one or more will help me during my life , if they found any mistakes they will tell me the right because they love me.
so my friends mean a lot for me. I observe that the most posts here talking as if friendship is a sort of amusing. and they think that male friends are amusing more than females. I think that it is a sort of insult to the meaning of friendship.

Okay, even if friendship means getting your friend know all your secrets, what do you think is wrong with sharing a secret with a male friend?


Your example is very nice one, but believe me that it is the right way.

Thank you, but I still don't get your points on how it's the right way...


also you have this thing acceptable in your society but it doesn't mean that everything in your society must be "" right traditions "" also in my society there are some tradition and habits are wrong and i refuse them , but they are acceptable and wrong alike.
Finally i'm glad for that discussion with you :)

Never did I say anything acceptable in my society has to be acceptable in my eyes. Did I? :)

[kratsayra]

Whew . . . I remember this thread. It's hard, you know . . . I said that I didn't mind my boyfriend's female friends who he'd known for a long time. That's still true. But now he's actually becoming new friends with a girl, yikes! ;)

It's actually the first time since we have been together that either of us had made a new friend of the opposite sex (we both have old friends of the opposite sex). It definitely takes some getting used to. Especially because we are long-distance right now. But it's not like we could assume that neither of us would ever have a new friend of the opposite sex, that's just unreasonable.

It's weird too . . .I expressed to him that I felt upset/worried about his new friend that's a girl. I know it was unreasonable, but I still had to show how I felt. Meanwhile, I'm quasi-friends with one of my male roommates and my boyfriend doesn't process it. It's some sort of willing unacknowledgement. I'll be like "I'm getting dinner with [roommate] tonight" and then hours later my boyfriend will be like "what did you do for dinner?" And usually we know everything the other person is doing because we are long-distance and we always say what we're doing. When I'm hanging out with my roommate or mention him is the only time that my boyfriend doesn't process what my plans are.

So, yeah, we both need to work on what it's like when the other person has a friend of the opposite sex.

I kinda wish I could do the willing unacknowledgement thing. It seems easier than feeling jealous.

[Lily Adams]

Surprisingly I don't actually have many male friends that I hang out with regularly. Me and my gravitation towards males.

Wait...I don't have any. Yeah, I have aquaintances, but not actual friends.

I guess it's because I don't have many friends at all in the first place. Real friends.

I love guys but not guys my age? I guess?

It's funny, I'm surrounded by boys in my geometry class because that's how the seating chart turned out, and before I was next to a couple girls and the guys are far more interesting to sit next to. They actually talk about things other than who's going out with who. They do talk about sports a lot, however, which completely bores me and sometimes they'll talk about "this hot chick" they saw or the young English teacher all the boys like at our school, but I think that's just funny. :D So it kind of is a way for me to examine them. :lol:

[dramasnot6]

:lol: People are such lab rats.

[Dori]

It's funny, I'm surrounded by boys in my geometry class because that's how the seating chart turned out, and before I was next to a couple girls and the guys are far more interesting to sit next to. They actually talk about things other than who's going out with who. They do talk about sports a lot, however, which completely bores me and sometimes they'll talk about "this hot chick" they saw or the young English teacher all the boys like at our school, but I think that's just funny. :D So it kind of is a way for me to examine them. :lol:

Boys will be boys. :lol: I can personally attest to that. ;)

[dramasnot6]

I was one of those guys. Actually, I might have been the only one who really liked her...

Awww.

[Pretty^Athens]

well well well, about 3 years ago i almost didn't have any female friends; i had only one and all the others were male which was awsome, i felt they could understand me better and could do a lot of fun stuff with them, but it all went wrong suddenly: because some of them fell in love with me and the others just left to study or work, and that is why i no longer believe in friendship between the two sexes!


I think the hardest thing about these types of conversations is the fact that people generalise too much, like "guys are good for laughs and girls are good for meaningful conversation". I honestly think it all depends on the individual.
.

i totally agree with you. some of my male friends were much more understanding and thoughtful then my female friends

[Linsiyu]

Hello! i study in taiwan. I’m female. My personalities are lively, open and bright. I’m don’t bully the person in the verbal and I don’t threat people, ha ha ha !!!

When I was in the primary school, same with you that some of my classmates are what you are talking about, and I don’t want to make friends with them, so I do my own thing by myself, I don’t even talk with them. Therefore, I agree with your opinions.

After I entered high school, I found out that not every one have the same personalities; I discovered males are not really all tough and strong, for example, one or two of my male friends are sensitive men. I like to talk with them, talk about my secrets and when I feel upset, they will comfort me in the soft way. Instead my some female friends are not sensitive and soft, they talk to me in a rough way.

These differences doesn’t let me feel uncomfortable, instead I love to make friends in different gender. Because I think that every one has the different personalities, so I make friends with my patience and true heart. Then I make a lot of male/female friends!!!!

[romantic novel]

I have been wondering about this subject for a while.

Is it possible that a unsexual relationship between a girl and a guy can exist??

Is it possible that they remain ONLY friends forever?

Different opinions, different points of view from different poeple around the

world from different ethics and religions..what I seek here to highlight the

subject...Welcome both Girls and Guys:)

[billyjack]

a great question. i've had many an ex-girlfriend who says some guy is "just a friend." Biz-markie's song "just a friend" can tell you better than i. but i'd say yes, a friendship can exist--as long as at least 1 of the 2 isnt physically attracted to the other

[romantic novel]

a great question. i've had many an ex-girlfriend who says some guy is "just a friend." Biz-markie's song "just a friend" can tell you better than i. but i'd say yes, a friendship can exist--as long as at least 1 of the 2 isnt physically attracted to the other



Thanks for sharing us your opinion..


But again..if there is 1 of the 2 is physically attracted to the other...the Friendship is no more friendship...here LOVE & SEXUAL DESIRE will be the dominant part of the relation..


This leads to the round Q..is it possible to be friends with guys??

[SleepyWitch]

can there be "love" between guys and girls who don't feel attracted?
there's this guy I know and I tell anyone who cares to know (and lots of people who don't) that "love" him, but I don't fancy him. Ok, I admit I feel attracted to him for half a second two times a year, but that's the long and short of it.
I can get extremely nasty when people diss me about him and assume I fancy him and have "dumped" a close friend because she dissed me about him. So I guess that means I care a lot about him.

so, does "love" between ppl of the opposite sexes necessarily have to be sexual? can there be so-called"platonic" love?

[librarius_qui]

hope this hasn't been done before:
can boys and girls/ women and men be friends, esp. when one of them is single? or will one of them start to romance the other sooner or later?

Oh, god! Please, yes! Of course!

I hope! :D

:lol:


librarius
:crash:

[Silven]

I have many female friends, however I am also married, and I cannot speculate about what might happen if I were single????

Run the numbers - I don't think anyone could have a meaningful relationship with every woman they may socialize with...

This leads me to believe that yes - it is possible for Women and Men to share friendship, without the "relationship" factoring into it.

This does not include sexual attraction tho'. Thoughts are just thoughts, and mentally undressing a "friend" of the opposite sex, should remain where it belongs - in your head!

[librarius_qui]

I had two girlfriends. Only the first one was a friend BEFORE a girlfriend. The second girlfriend was (one of) the worst mistake in my life!, can't figure out up to this day what the blast was that! (I loved her best friend, by then ... But, in a way, I was better friend to her ...)

Yes, a man can be friend of a girl without going into something more. I'm single, and have at least two friends about my age, to whom, if I wasn't sure about them being only friends, and of me not willing anything more than friendship with them, I'd get trapped into feelings.

I put the barrier. Women get ... sticky, sometimes. You have to say "Hey!: only friends, here! Count on me, but ...~"

My first girlfriend was a friend before we getting involved. It was nice, and however it didn't work out, I prefer this way, and time passed on, healed injuries, and we're now (only) good friends again. But I have to put the barrier, to myself as well: "Hey!: only friends!" Don't wanna fall into the same trap :D no, not again!

At the moment, I'm ... in a possible beginning with another friend. Hope is true, and all I can do is to hope, but ... If it goes, it'll do fine. I hope it goes! :nod:

Lets see ...

But, my answer is yes, a boy and a girl, a man and a woman CAN be just friends.

Thats what I think!

:thumbs_up

[*Classic*Charm*]

A friend of mine took a human sexuality course last year where she was taught that our personalities tend to have us either as

a) people who have good friends that turn into relationships, or
b) people who could never form a relationship with an established friend

She was taught that there are very specific parameters within which one develops a (more than friendly) relationship, based on the individual's personality (here I use "personality: loosely- there were specifics I don't remember). From experience with myself and my friends, this is pretty true, which leads to my firm belief that one can have a friend of the opposite sex without the friendship leading to intimacy.

[TheInsomniac]

Im 17, recently finished high school, and i attain many relationships with girls from my school. Just normal friendly relationships, i am not attracted to any of them, however beautiful they may be. What im attracted to is a down to earth personality that young girls tend to dismiss this day and age.

I think it is possible for the two sexes to be friends, its just that in most cases either the male or female will fall for the other. I have had this happen in many cases and needed to have some long talks to my female friends >_<, one which i have known since birth!

From my experience, i find that men fall in love more easily than women. My personality dictates to others that i dont care about aesthetics and that human relationships are not a sole source of happiness, i have more of an 'older brother' kind of love towards most of my female friends, where i try to help them and act as a responsible but fun guy.

[SleepyWitch]

why is "something more" called "something more"?

[Nightshade]

why is "something more" called "something more"?

COmpletly off topic but sleepy now I have the beauty and the beast song there is somthing there that wasnt there befefore stuck in my mind, dont know how or why that sentance triggered it buit now Im going to be haunted by Beauty and the beast all day thanks ! :rolleyes:

[SleepyWitch]

COmpletly off topic but sleepy now I have the beauty and the beast song there is somthing there that wasnt there befefore stuck in my mind, dont know how or why that sentance triggered it buit now Im going to be haunted by Beauty and the beast all day thanks ! :rolleyes:

yep, that was completely off topic. But thanks for telling us ................................ :D

so what do you as a staunch anti-romance campaigner think about this, is "something more" necessarily "more" (=better) or is it just different (in some cases)?

[islandclimber]

What a silly question.. Of course boys and girls can be friends.. I have quite a few friends that are girls, in fact most of my close friends are of the opposite sex, I only have a couple good male friends.. I find girls are generally easier to talk to and discuss things with, and to be an artsy kind of guy around.. I only have a couple male friends who are into the arts.. Guys are great for going rock climbing and surfing and snowboarding with, so there I find the inverse is true, only a few of my girlfriends are into that kind of stuff.. I know this is somewhat of a generalization, but for the people I know and associate with, I find it to be the case.. but I have no trouble with being good friends with females... without the desire for anything more ever... Now I can't say whether they feel the same way, but I would think that is the case as I have only ever had a couple problems with that issue of friendship becoming a problem because someone wants more..

I think people just convince themselves that they cannot be friends with the opposite sex... and I am not sure why..

[Nightshade]

yep, that was completely off topic. But thanks for telling us ................................ :D

so what do you as a staunch anti-romance campaigner think about this, is "something more" necessarily "more" (=better) or is it just different (in some cases)?

IM suprised you rember most people forget :D , Well its an intresting one and Im sure I posted a nice long quote on the topic once before. Having spent some time thinking about this topic over few months my conclusions are as follows-
1) I still stick by the idea that "love" is a construct people make to find a nice and tidy explantion for a whole mesh of things ranging from basic attraction trust freindship loyalty commitment and all that blah.
2) The idea is the main problem it is so easy to talk yourself into things and maybe the idea of 'more' with someone you already trust is attractive as a concept even if when it comes down to it you arent attracted to the person to begin with, just the idea.
But the personal truth is this Im not really the one to ask, never having had a 'relationship' or even wanted one really- but the other side of the equation is the fact that I first started looking at boys as potetial husband material before my 4th Birthday ( I know the date because of an incedet at my 4th birthday party) and so I guess it somthing that is always in my mind I have a few friends who are boys- and general aquienteces I tend to get on better with males than females generally speaking - but thinking about it none of my freinds fit the boxes of who I want to be married to so no problem I can be friends very easily, ( well barring one glaring exception but hey after 13 years its easy to put aside somthing you know is never going to happen and just get on with being friends :D). Mostly them I 'adopt' though and I have been told that my tendecy to 'mother' and class them with my younger sisters ( even in cases when they are 5 years older than me) can be rather annoying- but I cant help it I have a tendency to fuss over anyone who will let.

Like I said dont know about the more thing except to say that we often build things up to look much more attractive in our minds so somthing differnt almost always seems like it might be somthing better, even when it may turn out to be the exact opposite.
:D

Edit Did some more thinking and I reliased my defention of 'friend' and most other peoples are very different, maybe it comes from moving around so much but most of my interpersonal relationships are temporary things I tend to move on and not look back too often, but when i have a friend a real friend they are stuck with me forever Im afraid. There isnt very much I wouldnt do for the realtivly small number of people I count as friend friends ( tragically I can only think of 6 that arent actually related to me, and most of them are litnetters :eek2: ) So maybe you should just discount this whole long ramble. :D

[WhimsySA]

I admit, I didn't read all the posts, but I did scan through a couple...
Here's my opinion:
Guys and girls can be friends. Of course, if you have a "family-type" bond then the thought of getting lovey-dovey with that person is crazy. My current boyfriend and I have actually been forbidden to go out (sorry mom) and we really tried to keep it at "just friends" for that reason, but our bond is so strong that we just can't (we're kind of under cover now). Sometimes it can't be helped, but that doesn't mean that you should stick to friends of the same sex. I personally find it much easier to socialize with boys, perhaps because I'm a little bit of a tom-boy. Most of my friends are guys and I have never had those kinds of feelings for them. Guy friends are great... And if a guy friend of yours tries anything funny you can just smack him on the head and he'll probably still be your friend tomorrow. They tend not to have the Oh-now-I'm-so-broken reaction that girls have :)

[amalia1985]

I only speak from my own experience and I believe that yes, they can be friends. Two of my best friends are boys, and sometimes they prove themselves to be much more sincere than girls.

[librarius_qui]

I only speak from my own experience and I believe that yes, they can be friends. Two of my best friends are boys, and sometimes they prove themselves to be much more sincere than girls.

Oh, come on! Girls are sincere in a ... girlish way! that mutable, inconstant and rainy way.

Men are what they are. Girls are one thing on a day, and a complete different being in the following day ... Unless you pull the "yesterday girl" back to real life ... haha!

[Whenever possible!]


librarius
:crash:

[romantic novel]

To me ..I think it is hard to be a friend with a friend of the opposite sex without ..one of the 2 attract to the other

[Taliesin]

Duh!
Of course boys and girls can be friends. The boy just has to be gay and the girl a lesbian.

[romantic novel]

duh!
Of course boys and girls can be friends. The boy just has to be gay and the girl a lesbian.


heheheheheheheh


Exactly:)

[*Classic*Charm*]

so romantic novel and taliesin, are you both saying that you've never had a platonic friendship with a person on the opposite sex?

[islandclimber]

so romantic novel and taliesin, are you both saying that you've never had a platonic friendship with a person on the opposite sex?

that's what it sounds like.. Unless they fit into one of the categories mentioned above :p hahah

[LadyWentworth]

Two of my best friends are boys, and sometimes they prove themselves to be much more sincere than girls.

I have found this to be true in many cases of people that I have been friends with. I have had a lot of guy friends. I just tend to get along better with guys.

[librarius_qui]

Duh!
Of course boys and girls can be friends. The boy just has to be gay and the girl a lesbian.

well, it's always good to hear a different opinion! :eek:

:D ... :lol:


a klicky
:crash:

[Domer121]

Duh!
Of course boys and girls can be friends. The boy just has to be gay and the girl a lesbian.

I love this! ^^

I tend to think that is true....because the thing about friends from the opposite sex is that they are usually the rebound when a relationship fails.. and if the other friend doesn't feel the same way hearts can be broken...

That is not to say that guys and gals can't be friends....its just a lot more complicated.

[librarius_qui]

I love this! ^^

I tend to think that is true....because the thing about friends from the opposite sex is that they are usually the rebound when a relationship fails.. and if the other friend doesn't feel the same way hearts can be broken...

That is not to say that guys and gals can't be friends....its just a lot more complicated.

The breaking heart situation's very common. Reciprocity is many times expected, and not as many times achieved. (I got hurt a lot of times ...) Then I learnt not to fall for whatever girl drops by. (I hope!) (I'm kidding ... I did learn something, otherwise I'd be dead, I think ...)

This is why I spoke about putting a barrier (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showpost.php?p=636735&postcount=147) ...

I fell for a girl, once, and she did wish (and managed) us to become just friends. I can't say I wasn't hurt, for a while, but it was wise of her, because she's much younger than me. I don't know if it would have been good (not talking about sex ...) to have gotten involved with her in my feelings ... So, it's a relief, now, that nothing actually happened between me and her, 'cause now I can still be her friend. But, if she allows me in, in the occasion, and then dumps me away ... Hey, then I'd have been really injured.

I avoid doing this with my friends of the opposite sex that I know that can let their feelings for me to grow beyond what I can correspond.

Reciprocity is very important in life and relationships. Including with a community, for example. I'd never be here if I had been rejected here. I make part of forums where I'm somehow, welcome. I've been to two from which I went away, because they weren't friendly places (with me, at least). It happens. It's part of life.


"Le petit"
:crash:




At the moment, I'm ... in a possible beginning with another friend. Hope is true, and all I can do is to hope, but ... If it goes, it'll do fine. I hope it goes! :nod:

Lets see ...



Well ... It DIDN'T go. & We decided to be just friends.
If it does with her, it ... ay, has to do with me. (As a matter of respect. Not easy, but I feel I need to respect other people's feelings. When a girl likes you she likes you. When she doesn't, it's time to move on! I wanna girl who likes me, not one who keeps thinking about it.)


& I'm alive! :thumbs_up
So ... Just friends.
And she'll be among the best ones. That's good!~


:crash:

[Lily Adams]

I have this GREAT friend who is a guy. I don't know what I'd do without him. Whether we ever get together or not is another thing...but I don't see it happening anytime soon. Which is fine with me. I don't really have feelings for him that way. He really is one of the best friends I've ever had, though.

[Taliesin]

Okay, on a more serious note.

There are people you are sexually attracted to.
There are people you can or have fallen in love with.
There are people you find aesthetically good-looking.
There are people you're friends with.
These categories might overlap and they often do, but they are different categories.

The question is a bit difficult to understand for me, being bisexual - what is meant here? That it is difficult to become friends and only friends with people that are in your "target group"? I don't know how it is for straight people, but I am not sexually attracted to everyone - and that means that there are a lot of people with whom it is "safe" to be friends - no sexual tension there, although they are, well, humans. Although there also might be the risk of falling in love, when you become very deeply involved with them.
Concerning the people you are sexually attracted to, yes, it is somewhat more difficult, but well, human relations are difficult.

But concerning people you don't feel sexually attracted to, yes, you can be friends, gender doesn't matter.
Shouldn't the question be rephrased as: "Can people who feel or can feel sexually attracted to each other be friends?"

[SleepyWitch]

But concerning people you don't feel sexually attracted to, yes, you can be friends, gender doesn't matter.
Shouldn't the question be rephrased as: "Can people who feel or can feel sexually attracted to each other be friends?"

thanks for your well thought out answer, Tal.
I totally agree with you. I do not feel sexually attracted to everyone either, but some people seem to think that one must automatically be attracted to anyone of the opposite sex (in the case of heterosexual ppl). For example, I have a friend who does not have any guy friends and whenever she talks to a guy she starts checking whether he "ticks all the right boxes". She simply cannot be friends with any guy. This girl is an extreme example, because her mind's totally muddled anyway, but lots of people seem to think that whenever you say as much as "Hello" to someone of the opposite sex, it's a pick up line. :( I find this really confusing, because I've got a handful of guy friends with whom there is no sexual tension whatsoever.

[kratsayra]

There are people you are sexually attracted to.
There are people you can or have fallen in love with.
There are people you find aesthetically good-looking.
There are people you're friends with.
These categories might overlap and they often do, but they are different categories.

I think a lot of these categories kind-of overlap in various ways all the time. Except maybe not the fall in love part, at least not for me.

Maybe I'm like Sleepy's "muddled" friend, I don't know. But I can pretty much end up being at least somewhat attracted to almost anyone that I spend enough time with . . . Since I'm straight for most general purposes, in the case of girls that means finding them aesthetically good-looking and in the case of guys that means something that could feel more like a crush, even if it usually isn't all-out sexual attraction. Once I get to know a person emotionally/mentally/whatever, I usually end up recognizing more of their physical beauty too. Because pretty much everyone is beautiful in some way.

I have had a handful of male friends who it seems like I could only ever just be friends with them. But even them, I can very much appreciate the way they look and things like that. Not that there is sexual tension necessarily.

You know, this topic has been on my mind recently. Cause I want to hang out more with this married guy friend of mine. But I feel like he feels a little bit uncomfortable about it. I do have a crush on him, but I'm in a relationship too. I have no intentions of that sort. I just want to spend time with him cause he's an awesome person. But I feel like the fact we are both in relationships seems to be getting in the way. And it's frustrating.

[Bitterfly]

Yes, that's why it's so difficult to be friends with someone of the opposite sex! Not only do signals get sometimes confused, but one's partner tends to get a wee bit jealous!! It seems to happen to me a lot, and that's why I tend to discourage people from the opposite sex when I'm in a couple, which is a pity because I quite enjoy their company.

[NEEMAN]

I remember I met someone once when I was in my late teens. She was a very attractive girl, about a year older than me, and we got on extremely well (she would eventually invite me to stay with her family for several months when I decided to visit her country). However, there was never really anything more than friendship to it. She was definitely a good looking girl, but for whatever reason (and I'll confess, this was very unusual for me), though I was single at the time, I never thought about trying to make anything else of it.


We were good friends for about 2 years, but then we drifted apart, for a number of reasons, not least geography. But I thought I'd mention it, because we were both sexually mature and single, and yet neither of us was really interested in the other on that level.

[Dori]

As far as I can tell, all the female friends I have I was or currently am attracted to. It's sad, really. I've even confessed my love to one, and we are still friends (she didn't like me that way, it seems). I went to prom with another, and yet another probably has no idea how fond I am of her.

Maybe this is best for me as my love life has been nothing more than pitiful.

[Pensive]

As far as I can tell, all the female friends I have I was or currently am attracted to. It's sad, really. I've even confessed my love to one, and we are still friends (she didn't like me that way, it seems). I went to prom with another, and yet another probably has no idea how fond I am of her.

Maybe this is best for me as my love life has been nothing more than pitiful.

Love life of a seventeen year old? :lol:


For example, I have a friend who does not have any guy friends and whenever she talks to a guy she starts checking whether he "ticks all the right boxes". She simply cannot be friends with any guy. This girl is an extreme example, because her mind's totally muddled anyway, but lots of people seem to think that whenever you say as much as "Hello" to someone of the opposite sex, it's a pick up line. I find this really confusing, because I've got a handful of guy friends with whom there is no sexual tension whatsoever.

This kind of behaviour particularly annoys me. First of all, personally speaking, I never feel the sexual tension or whatever when any person from the opposite gender asks me a question/talks to me or anything, but that might be because I am cold or whatever, so I can admit other people might be able to feel what I can not. But the thing is that we human-beings have got something called 'will' or 'self-control' which enables us to put a guard on ourselves. I mean what use will it be if you can't even handle a proper conversation with someone from the opposite gender without blushing? Though of course it isn't probably something very big and your friend has a right to choose whatever gender she likes to befriend, but personally I will feel highly uncomfortable (and sort of annoyed too) if somebody from the opposite gender will keep on blushing while trying to answer a question of mine and his friends would be exchanging meaningful glances beside him...

[SleepyWitch]

Maybe I'm like Sleepy's "muddled" friend, I don't know. But I can pretty much end up being at least somewhat attracted to almost anyone that I spend enough time with . . . Since I'm straight for most general purposes, in the case of girls that means finding them aesthetically good-looking and in the case of guys that means something that could feel more like a crush, even if it usually isn't all-out sexual attraction. Once I get to know a person emotionally/mentally/whatever, I usually end up recognizing more of their physical beauty too. Because pretty much everyone is beautiful in some way.


nope, you're not like my muddled friend at all. in fact, she does not get attracted (sexually or even emotionally) to people. She is stuck in a cycle (and in denial about it) and follows a "pattern" (she says so herself and is proud of it). She does not get gradually attracted to someone. As soon as she talks to a guy she looks for rational reasons why she should get together with him (i.e. whether he fits her "pattern"). When she's got a guy, she doesn't know what to do with him :brow: I don't think she's ever had a crush or been in love, she just imitates the behaviour she sees around her but the emotional counterpart is missing. I told you she's nuts.

Hehe, I think I'm a bit like you. The better I know someone, the more beautiful they look, even if they are objectively the hunchback of Notre-Dame. This goes for friends where there is zero attraction as well as for not-really-crushes.

[kratsayra]

nope, you're not like my muddled friend at all. in fact, she does not get attracted (sexually or even emotionally) to people. She is stuck in a cycle (and in denial about it) and follows a "pattern" (she says so herself and is proud of it). She does not get gradually attracted to someone. As soon as she talks to a guy she looks for rational reasons why she should get together with him (i.e. whether he fits her "pattern"). When she's got a guy, she doesn't know what to do with him :brow: I don't think she's ever had a crush or been in love, she just imitates the behaviour she sees around her but the emotional counterpart is missing. I told you she's nuts.

Ah I see, so it is a little different than being interested in or attracted to people she meets. Well, maybe one day she will fall suddenly and unexpectedly in love and it will be with someone who doesn't fit any of her rational reasons! :)

[Bitterfly]

As far as I can tell, all the female friends I have I was or currently am attracted to. It's sad, really. I've even confessed my love to one, and we are still friends (she didn't like me that way, it seems). I went to prom with another, and yet another probably has no idea how fond I am of her.


It's not sad, it's sweet!! I used to be that way too, and am still making efforts not to develop infatuations for every person who crosses my path. :lol: I guess some people are more prone to falling in love or harbouring crushes than others...

[Dori]

It's not sad, it's sweet!! I used to be that way too, and am still making efforts not to develop infatuations for every person who crosses my path. :lol: I guess some people are more prone to falling in love or harbouring crushes than others...

They're not crushes. Sometimes, though, I wish they were so I wouldn't be tormented as much.

And how is it sweet?

[Bitterfly]

Well, it's sweet because it seems to indicate you have a tender heart. It's far sweeter, anyway, than someone who never falls in love. :)

[librarius_qui]

I'm very tormented by this last girl's answer, and I made proper preassure, because I didn't want to boil it!

I'll rather have a no than a boiling don't know!

The shadow is awful to me! I like things clear. I tell: "hey, girl, I like you!" She says "aaaahh!!!", and runs away! It's completely like me! One day, one girl will say back "hey, I like you too! :) ", and won't scream or run away. And we'll be ... fighting for ever, happily.

That's somewhat what I'd like to happen to me.

Anyway, as long time passed, I decided not to let things within so much than to talk with the other part. No matter the answer. Better a "no" than a lot of confusing imaginatiive thoughts! I don't like to live on what my mind makes. It's better to live ... life.


:crash:

[aBIGsheep]

So, you guys talked about friends with benefits yet? Or is that too far on the immature-college level?

[*Classic*Charm*]

That NEVER works (not that I have partaken personally, but a number of my friends have)

[Bitterfly]

So, you guys talked about friends with benefits yet? Or is that too far on the immature-college level?

What is "friends with benefits"? Sounds interesting.

[Dori]

Well, it's sweet because it seems to indicate you have a tender heart. It's far sweeter, anyway, than someone who never falls in love. :)

Well, I suppose you're right.

Sometimes I liken myself to the phantom from Phantom of the Opera. Meh, I'm a hopeless romantic.


What is "friends with benefits"? Sounds interesting.

:lol:

FWBs are friends that are physically intimate with one another, to put it lightly.

[Joreads]

That NEVER works (not that I have partaken personally, but a number of my friends have)

I have seen this go really badly as well. Someone always ends up hurt.

[Pensive]

Well, it's sweet because it seems to indicate you have a tender heart. It's far sweeter, anyway, than someone who never falls in love. :)

Sorry to go a bit off-topic but I can't really see how being sexually attracted to a couple of kids confirms you have a tender heart/not being in love (romantic) shows that you don't have a tender heart...

[MattG]

hope this hasn't been done before:
can boys and girls/ women and men be friends, esp. when one of them is single? or will one of them start to romance the other sooner or later?

I can only answer for me...

When I was young, no. Now that I'm 'seasoned', yes. :)

[Bitterfly]

Sorry to go a bit off-topic but I can't really see how being sexually attracted to a couple of kids confirms you have a tender heart/not being in love (romantic) shows that you don't have a tender heart...

Hmm, because we were not speaking about sexual attraction, first of all? Dori rejected my suggestion of crushes (which I associate with sexual attraction) and said he fell in love, if I remember well. Where you could be right, though, is that falling in love and sexual attraction might not be very different. I still haven't made up my mind as to whether the impression of falling in love is an illusion that masks "mere" sexual attraction (anyway, i don't much care, both are s pleasant!! :p ).

As for the second part of your question, I'm a little surprised that you equate not falling in love with being romantic, actually. Do you mean that those who don't fall in love right and left are in fact waiting for the right person to come along or something like that?

[Pensive]

Hmm, because we were not speaking about sexual attraction, first of all? Dori rejected my suggestion of crushes (which I associate with sexual attraction) and said he fell in love, if I remember well. Where you could be right, though, is that falling in love and sexual attraction might not be very different. I still haven't made up my mind as to whether the impression of falling in love is an illusion that masks "mere" sexual attraction (anyway, i don't much care, both are s pleasant!! :p ).

Well, when you feel like taking somebody to a prom, it usually shows that you are not only interested in their words of wisdom or intellectual talk or any other qualities that you may think makes a person 'love' another. Sexual attraction does have a part in that unless it's a platonic crush which judging by Dori's posts does not appear to be.


the second part of your question, I'm a little surprised that you equate not falling in love with being romantic, actually. Do you mean that those who don't fall in love right and left are in fact waiting for the right person to come along or something like that?

I don't. It was romantic love.

All I meant was that romantic involvement in somebody (or three people at a time as it seems to be the case here) no way shows that you are basically tender-hearted and especially that you are more tender-hearted than a person who isn't involed in somebody in the romantic sense. (No offence meant to Dori, I am just speaking generally).

[*Classic*Charm*]

I have seen this go really badly as well. Someone always ends up hurt.

Actually, I fine that they usually end up in a relationship, which of course was what both people involved were avoiding. This might not sound like a bad thing, but usually their little arrangement started because both had just gotten out of serious relationships and wanted intimacy without commitment. They end up committed when neither was really ready to be so. The relationships are never healthy ones.

[Dori]

To clear up my comments:

The females I was referring to are not those whom I lusted, but those whom I genuinely loved (well, one of them at least!). The one girl that I fell in love with (and I don't use this phrase lightly) refused me. It was not a crush, at least to my understanding it wasn't. At first I thought it was, but after 2 years of bitter torment I was convinced that I loved her (I confess I was REALLY shy). I unintentially confessed my love over AIM (she prompted me). If you're interested, I still have that AIM convo saved on my computer. I still have feelings for her, and I my heart cringes at the mentioning of her boyfriend (every math class!).

Now she's one of my best friends, and I would give anything to be with her.

I never lusted her, by the way. The gorgeous girls that I've never talked to, those are the ones I lust.

[Bitterfly]

All I meant was that romantic involvement in somebody (or three people at a time as it seems to be the case here) no way shows that you are basically tender-hearted and especially that you are more tender-hearted than a person who isn't involed in somebody in the romantic sense. (No offence meant to Dori, I am just speaking generally).

Well, there we differ! :p In French there's a nice expression to qualify someone who falls in love easily: an artichoke heart, ie a tender heart that is easily touched by the arrows of Cupid! Someone who never falls in love, I must admit I'd find rather cold.

[maraki16]

well, i think it is high time i said what my opinion on this whole friends-issue. to start with, i do not think that friendship between the two sexes can exist really easily and that it can be an honest 100% friendly relationship, because we are bound to find each other attractive in a way. nature's fault not mine! boys and girls may be friends but it is hard that no one will feel something more at some time, even if this feeling won't last long. moreover, i believe it is difficult to have a best friend of the other sex.


now, about the friends with benefits. come on!let's be mature and not act like kids!how many of us could be friends with someone and have an open relationship with him at the same time? because we are talking about some kind of open relationship here, don't we? could you sleep with someone whom you regard as a friend, then stay friends with him, without feeling anything more, and every now and then sleep with him, or act like you are lovers? that is not a friendship, because if this could be part of friendships in general, then you would do the same with your friends of the same sex, or there would be no need for people to commit themselves to a relationship; we could all just have some friends, to some of whom we could be sexually attracted and have purely sexual relationships with.or no?


and i would also agree with tim. i think we should be honest with the people we like, or are in love with. i think it is better for our mentality to declare our feelings for others-and i am not just talking about love- than keep them inside. personally, i find it really hard to hide them, it is not that i can't , because i do can if i want to, it is just that this thing makes me feel really bad and full of anxiety. i think that honesty is better, even if things don't turn out the way we'd wish them to. and tim, please don't cry cause i will cry too:bawling:

[Scheherazade]

So, what do you think?
hope this hasn't been done before:
can boys and girls/ women and men be friends, esp. when one of them is single? or will one of them start to romance the other sooner or later?

[SleepyWitch]

oops, Scher, sorry haven't been around in a while.

Well... I used to think it was all clear-cut and you could have boy-girl friendships with zero romance. I still think that's possible, but maybe it's rarer than I thought. Now I think it's more like a spectrum and there might be an element of romance in these friendships, but of course it all depends on how people deal with it. I still believe they can be friends if they handle it maturely and don't get upset or carried away or whatever.

Anyway, I have another question. What annoys me majorly these days is the way girls say "I like him." when they mean they fancy someone. I mean, come on. If it was there boyfriend and another girl asked them "How's it going with your boyfriend?" the answer would not be: "Oh yeah, I like him."
The problem is the meaning of 'like' gets sexualised and whenever I try to say that I like a guy who I am trying to make friends with, other girls give me weird looks or go on about how I'm married or he's married or whatever. :confused: So are you supposed to deny or cover up your friendships with people of the opposite sex, just so these girls can have some piece of mind?
Was it ever possible to say "I like X." about a person of the opposite sex to say you like them as a friend without any sexual connotations or is that just me splitting hairs?