A Pierced Heart

[worldsmoved]

Those moments after someone you care about has hurt you can be bleak and lonely and perhaps how I say in my poem:

The Pierced Heart

dark as night
cold as ice
the chilled fingers can't entice
where once was life now fades the light
and all the hope of the day
the brightness, joy and laughter
fade once more as sand doth pour
between the fingers of my heart
and then the night, the cold , the ice doth come
and blots out the rising sun
until no more warmth does touch my skin and;
all that was most valuable is lost and gone again

[Sani]

If that was in a movie, i would suggest someone sitting in a castle, next to a stain glassed window, with the the sound of a thunderstorm clashing against the window panels...

I thought in its succinct form, a very powerful poem.

x

[Pendragon]

Starting the poem with two obvious clichés will be detrimental to the poetry. The poem is fairly good. But these clichés glare at the reader and many will not go past that point. Night can take many forms if you wish to keep it as a comparison, or darkness the same. Cold comes in many forms; if you still use ice, is it a sheet, a spike, a wasteland, Artic, etc. See? I think you can work this one out. I have faith in you!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Fortune_teller.gif

[Bii]

I'd have to agree with Pen here, whilst the sentiment is strong the use of cliche'd phrases detracts from that. I'd be inclined to change the first two lines, and also wouldn't use 'old fashioned' language such as 'doth' which, as it's no longer in common use, suggests imitation rather than invention. Also, is it your intention that the poem rhymes or not? There's a bit of a mish-mash here with line 2 and 3 rhyming, lines 1 and 5, and lines 9 and 10. Generally it's better to stick to one or the other.

Don't be disheartened - I think you've managed to capture the emotion well, which is half the battle with poetry, but perhaps you do need to edit in order to give full force to the message you wish to convey.

Good luck & keep it up.

[motherhubbard]

I agree with Pen and Bii, but I would say that if you wanted to use the old language like doth you should use it all the way through the poem

does/doth, my/mine

I like the old language but it has to be consistent.

[SleepyWitch]

alack alack,
oh night so black :) *just kidding, no offence*


Those moments after someone you care about has hurt you can be bleak and lonely and perhaps how I say in my poem:

hi world, I agree with the others about the archaic language etc...
if you want to express your feelings, use your own words, not Shakespeare's.. find your own voice and images

fade once more as sand doth pour
between the fingers of my heart
"the fingers of my heart" :) I like that :) it sounds like something you came up with yourself.

why don't you make your poem more specific? it conveys a general feeling of loss or sadness, but without your introduction I wouldn't necessarily understand it to be about "those moments after someone you care about has hurt you"
think of what actually happened in concrete terms and then try to find images to describe it :)