Belonging

[Bii]

I wrote this poem as a way of expressing the struggle to find a place to 'fit' in a country full of suspicion, where neighbours doors are closed, and it's so hard to make a real connection with people. You know the way you can walk around a town, and no one makes eye contact. That sort of thing.

Not sure the poem exactly works how I want it to - any comments would be gratefully received.



*DELETED*

[Sani]

Hay there, i really enjoyed this, although, naturally, you left me wanting he voice to open their eyes to the good in the world....

(I thought it was quite intricate in terms of punctuality.... and i laughed the second time because right now i am sitting in a library too.)

"Where silence hides a symphony / of voices" -lovely and sensual...

BELONGING - i thought this was very definite and precise word, against the openness of the poem... because i dont sense the yearning in the poem that comes with the use of the word belonging - as your rhetoric reinforces and suggests you are trying to convey.

I wouldnt change the poem at all, its is lovely.

[SleepyWitch]

i like it alright. normally i don't like poems that rhyme but this works out ok.
except for this line:

In the distant streets of this city

i think there are two many syllables in it and the first syllable of CIty is stressed, which somehow doesn't fit in with the rhythm, i think

[Pendragon]

Sounds great! I'm just amazed you found that many words that rhyme! The beat is fine when read aloud, so it passes my acid test anyway. http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Bravo.gif