My Father

[AZBOUND]

MY FATHER


Who drives the horses of the sun
Shall Lord it but a day
Better the lowly deeds were done
And kept the humble way.

The rust will find the sword of fame,
The dust will hide the crown
None shall nail so high his name
Time shall not tear it down.

The happiest heart that has ever beat
Was in some quiet breast
That found the common daylight sweet
And left to Heaven the rest.


PEACE BE WITH YOU,
YOUR SON

[motherhubbard]

MY FATHER


None shall nail so high his name
Time shall not tear it down.

The happiest heart that has ever beat
Was in some quiet breast
That found the common daylight sweet
And left to Heaven the rest.




these were my favorite lines. very touching. I would have liked more, I love to hear a man express his love for his mom and dad. It was something I looked for in a husband.

[Sani]

mmm MHubbard, i know what you mean... that kind of love if as joyous to be in the presence of, as it is to be the one who is experiancing it ... because it is so very rare.

I think that is what you have accomplished in this poem, you've shared that love in those last few lines with the reader, and it is ohhh so very beautiful, and indeed, very powerful.

Makes me want to fall in love x

[Bii]

Hi Azbound - I enjoyed this poem - I've read it several times and it has a softly self-assured feel to it. Not sure if this was your intention but may I ask, is this a religious poem? Is the father of which you speak your actual father, or Jesus? I implied that this was religious from the use of 'Lord' (capital L), the crown, the nail, the 'tear it down', the reference to 'Heaven' (capital H). I think you've definitely achieved something here, even if it's only to spark my curiosity; but then the purpose of poetry is to evoke an emotional response, is it not?

At the risk of getting myself a reputation here, all I'll say is 'punctuation' - it's a common theme on the site, I think, that people are rushing down the poetry without editing and without considering the effect of punctuation (if you have a look there are a large number of completely unpunctuated poems on the poetry section). Your poem has little, but it needs it.

Other than that, I enjoyed the imagery although some of it seemed a little abstract, but then there's nothing wrong with that.

I look forward to seeing more of your work on the site.

[motherhubbard]

I also thought that it was religious in the beginning, but then decided you might be showing reverence for you dad.

[Pendragon]

An eulogy, perhaps? If so a very touching one. Well done. http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Bravo.gif

[AZBOUND]

Actually it is both a tribute to God and my father. My father started this poem before he passed, I helped finish it. The punctuation I didn't even think of, I wanted to get it online as a tribute for the anniversary of his death.
Therefore you all are right.

Thanks for your comments.
AZ
;)

[AZBOUND]

MY FATHER


He who drives the horses of the Sun
Oh Lord, it’s but a day.
Better the lowly deeds were done,
As kept the humble way.

The rust will find the sword of fame,
The dust will hide the crown.
None shall nail so high his name,
Time shall not tear it down.

The happiest heart that has ever beat,
It was in his quiet breast.
That found the common daylight sweet
He was left in Heaven to rest.


Peace be with you forever,
YOUR SON

[AZBOUND]

I really enjoyed your poem, the sence of reality stands out.
My God, if this is your 1st poem i'm staying on the porch .
as they say, you are a natural. Keep up the good work.

PS ( I know just being in the grim north can make you feel that way).

an excellent piece I recommend to all.

[Pendragon]

MY FATHER


Release the horses of the Sun—
Oh Lord, it’s but a day.
Better the lowly deeds were done,
As kept the humble way.

Though rust will find the sword of fame,
And dust may stain the Royal Crown;
None shall nail so high His name,
Mere time shall not tear it down.

The happiest heart that has ever beat,
It was in his quiet breast.
He found the common daylight sweet—
Now in Heaven at last to rest.


Peace be with you forever,
YOUR SON


OK. I dislike editing others work, because it is just that: someone else's work. But I appreciate your trust in me, and I will try not to let you down. As this has been stated to be both a eulogy for your dad, and praise to our Heavenly Father, I propose these changes. Use them only if you feel they help the poem.

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Judge.gif

[AZBOUND]

I do like the changes, it seems to flow well. I appreciate your input.:)

[AZBOUND]

my plan is to merge all 3 to make one excellent poem