Triangle II (Comment Welcome!)

[Pendragon]

Triangle II

There is a line of demarcation
Where the surf flirts shamelessly
With the golden reclining beach.
He brings her tokens to mark his love;
Here a perfect whelk shell,
There a picturesque weathered bit of driftwood,
Finally a golden ring from a forgotten treasure ship…

But other eyes are watching, and they are jealous,
Lightning flares as their anger grows.
The tsunami swells to his greatest height and power,
He shall have maiden fair if he must take her by force.
His vicious assult takes them without warning,
Sends the surf spraying like so much broken glass.
(Golden ring, boy?—I’ll bring the whole treasure!)
He seizes the beach, she melts from his enforced possession,
He tosses her aside wounded and scarred,
Now, alone...


But the surf comes back, and gently caresses her,
Scarred as she is, he loves her still.
All cannot be undone in a moment—
But they have the patience and passion to rebuild…
And softly he begins to help her heal…

Pendragon
© 5/28/07

[motherhubbard]

Pen, I liked how the language changed for each part. The middle made me nervous, but I felt better at the end.

[symphony]

What can I say! Ever since I have set my eyes on this forum I've been watching in awe the talents shimmering in here :p And all I can say is WOW :thumbs_up
I dont really know if this poem's as good as I'm finding it at the moment, but yeah I like it very much :nod: , not exaggerating. Could be because I've spent my childhood worshipping Rabindranath Tagore(no wonder I'm from Bangladesh :) ), most of whose works are somewhat like this, allegoric and describing an emotion/event through nature... cant express it well, I've never been good at explaining, but i really like this one a lot.

[Pendragon]

In all fairness, the three "voices", the two "males", and the "female", were a storyline laid out for a poem by Sari. She said she didn't think she could write a poem for it, and you know me, I love a challange. The idea was one guy really loved the girl; the other just wanted to break the couple up. So my voices became "Surf" and "Beach" for the couple, and "Tsunami" for the jealous quy who endeavors to bust them appart. Although they are hurt by his insensitive attack, in time, they work together to heal. I hope I did Sari justice, I posted it first to her and then for comments.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/BlowaKiss.gif

[blp]

I like a lot of it, but I think these lines are weak:

He shall have maiden fair if he must take her by force.

(Golden ring, bah—he’ll bring the whole ship!)
The surf goes flying; the beach cannot bear his passion,
He leaves her wounded and scarred…
Alone…

And other than that, I'd tweak the next two lines as follows:

But the surf comes back, and caresses her gently,
Scarred as she is, he loves her still.

and 'all the time in the world' is a cliché.

Good stuff though.

[Pendragon]

I like a lot of it, but I think these lines are weak:

He shall have maiden fair if he must take her by force.

(Golden ring, bah—he’ll bring the whole ship!)
The surf goes flying; the beach cannot bear his passion,
He leaves her wounded and scarred…
Alone…

And other than that, I'd tweak the next two lines as follows:

But the surf comes back, and caresses her gently,
Scarred as she is, he loves her still.

and 'all the time in the world' is a cliché.

Good stuff though.Editted. Better?

[blp]

Yes, especially the end.

[motherhubbard]

that is better!