the sun full golden fell

[blp]

the sun full golden fell
the sun fell golden on
a green suburban lawn
the suburb golden shone
and the family pet
sat in the drive
and would not be quiet

[ktd222]

I can't connect the images leading up to line 4 to line 5

[blp]

Yes, well, I have wondered if it needs more. And reading it now, it does seem a sudden jump.

[symphony]

how about using "while" instead of "and" in the 5th line?

[Pendragon]

Oh, I don't know. You go from idyllic peace to sudden feeling that maybe all is not well in the scene. A quick turn may be just that technique. http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Anxious.gif

[blp]

Thanks, both. You may both be right. Still, I sort of feel it might need to be longer somehow. Not sure why.

[blp]

The sun full golden fell
on a green suburban lawn
the suburb golden shone
and the family pet
sat in the driveway
and would not be quiet

[ktd222]

the sun full golden fell
the sun fell golden on
a green suburban lawn
the suburb golden shone

I really liked these first four lines of your first draft, blp. I don't know why you changed it. In the first draft it seemed as though you were taking a component of one line(whether it be rhyme, or a word, or parts of a word) and placing it in the next line, and so on. The rhythm is there, and it made the shifting in images make sense. It's just I have nothing to connect the image in line 4 and image of line 5

[symphony]

gotta agree with ktd in that, the rhythm flows without faltering in those 1st few lines, it sounds better(to me, i mean) with the 2nd line in there.

[blp]

Well, nothing's set in stone. Someone on another site suggested I could do with condensing the first two lines and I suddenly though, yes, that's it. Here I've been worrying about the middle (or the lack of a midddle) and this may be the problem. Still sort of feel there's the potential for it to be a perfect little jewel and that I'm not, by any means, there yet.

[literaryc]

the sun full golden fell
the sun fell golden on
a green suburban lawn
the suburb golden shone
and the family pet
sat in the drive
and would not be quiet

Yes, a few more lines between the lawn and the reference to the pet could link the two ideas smoothly, like say, sounds heard coming from the house/distance and then the focus on the line about the family pet.

[blp]

That's the kind of thing I have in mind, yes, literaryc. I also hope I'll be able to keep the repetitions going in a sort of gradually changing Steve Reich phase pattern type way.