The knife let me know what u think

[iluvjames]

Alright here is is i tryed so let me know what you think just so you know the background i used to be a cutter so lemme know whatcha think please and dont be to harsh im just starting



♥the knife tears a whole
the same familiar sting helps me through the night
helps me sleep
i wont wake up though the knife cuts are to deep letting out the blood
seeing my body weep
i hear the slight sound of my litte sister breathing scared to death she will find me bleeding i run to the bathroom and lock the door
i must cut some more I hear a knock i freeze my dad sais i need to go to bed i tell him im peeing ill be out in a minute he sais fine but hurry up the blood is everywhere no way to clean it im losing feelings but i cut some more help me any one do you even care help me stop but i cant i need help but im to tired to admit it going to sleep i let my body leak al the blood how could i such a girl have so much blood that is my last thought before i go to sleep now i hear screaming lights all around me oh no they have found me![/CENTER]

[iluvjames]

Please read my poem it is caled the knife

[NickAdams]

You have some potential in here. The part about your sister registers a emotional response. The ending, "Oh no the found me!", would be more effective if you were more suggestive to that point. Build a mystery in the beginning; Don't let the reader know what's really happening 'til the end, but after the ending clarifies it, the second reading would make it all seem obvious. Try using to different narrators and trade lines between them. Like the cutter and her sister. Both scared, one innocent the other nows the harsh truth of reality.

[blp]

I remember meeting a pretty, fragile girl once whose skin was thick with razor scars all up her forearm. It's good material for poetry and I like what you've done, except for the punchline style ending. There's probably more there though. You could try writing a list of everything you felt at that time. That might winckle out a bit more of the meaning.

[Pendragon]

I like it, but I'd like it a lot more if I didn't know the emotions behind it so well myself. My poem was called "Colors", on the same subject, I bear the scars. Good luck.