Letter of appeal

[Roman]

In receiving your response to my application, I am determined to present to you as to why I am an eligible canidate for Arizona State University. I hope after reading my letter that you will see why my grades were not top notch towards the beginning of my high school education and my plans for my future college career.

While attending Peoria Accellerated High School, I was able to discover the teacher that would change the way I feel about my future and the attitude I put towards my school work. He made me realize that every piece of work I did in high school would ultimately be crucial tools for success in my future paths. Before reaching Peoria Accellerated, I was never challenged nor inspired to do anything with my life. All the teachers at Peoria Accellerated helped me see why it is better to reach for a higher level goal, a university, rather than an average goal, a community college.

Phsycology, the degree, I am aiming for is a big enough drive for me to suceed at Arizona State. Throughout my childhood, I have had friends who had troubling lifes with alcohol and drugs. It is so hard to accomplish anything in your life if you are troubled by those demons. I want to be able to help kids with those kinds of problems. Wether it’s drugs, alcohol, suicide or family issues. The worse thing to see is a teenager throwing away his life when he or she can be something important some day.

My plans for my college career is a long and challenging one. I have always believed in going for the highest possible level of achievement. Therefore, my college education will not come to and end until I have successfully obtained a Ph.D in psychology. Having a Ph.D upon graduating will be an advantage to starting the career I have always wanted and being highly skilled at it.

I hope my letter will help you take a second look at my future plans at Arizona State. Starting at a university is very important for me considering what my plans are for my degree and my career. I have no time to spare at a community college when I could be studying at a finer institute.

[Roman]

Oh man! I messed up. I didn't mean to start a new thread. Well this is my letter that I was asking to be proof read. So anyone can take a shot at it I guess.

[emily655321]

Hi Roman.

Just a couple grammatical critiques to start with. It might sound better to say:
"Psychology, the degree I am aiming for, is..."
"I have had friends who have had trouble with alcohol and drugs..."
"Whether.."
"The worst thing.."

Overall it's good, but I wouldn't begin with an apology, especially about early grades. If they've improved significantly, that's what they'll look at, and besides -- everyone but the children of the corn does terribly at the beginning of high school. At the end you sound confident and motivated to succeed, which is the kind of student they're looking for. Your letter will grab their attention more if you begin that way and carry it all the way through: make it seem that they need a student like you, rather than you needing acceptance as a kind of favor. My grades were horrible, but in my letter I tried to portray confidence in my abilities, and later in the letter slipped in something about "the troubles that kept me from succeeding academically in high school never discouraged me in my goals for the future yadda yadda yadda," or something. I would recommend focusing on your motivation to improve and go into greater depth about your positive experiences and your teacher, et cetera; describe what in your life had shaped your previous attitude toward school and grades, and what your teacher did that really inspired you to change. Then you won't need to apologize for your transcript -- instead it will focus their attention on how much you've improved and your motivation to succeed. (I've said "motivation" way too much :D)

Anyway, don't be afraid to really go into detail and your life story. That's the sort of thing they look for, honest, and you could stand to lengthen it a little anyway. It's the art of grovelling while building up your image. It's embarrassing, degrading, and it's how I got in. :D LOL But seriously, you're clearly the kind of self-motivated (there's that word again), hard working student they're looking for, so have confidence in yourself and push your achievements, and they'll be genuinely impressed.

Good luck, and ask any questions you like.
Em*~

[Roman]

Thank you so much. That's the kind of advice I needed. I wasn't sure of what they were really looking for in the letter. No one Im associated with right now had to write a letter of appeal so I wasn't sure what to put in it. Im dedicating the rest of my day to perfecting my letter because it has to go in the mail tomorrow morning.

There is one more question. Did you include letters of reccommendation? If so, how many did you get?

[emily655321]

Definitely, definitely include letters of recommendation. Since I got a lot of help from a couple of teachers too, and was involved in Amnesty International, those teachers asked me if they could write recommendations for me. I think I got four. The college application only asked for two, though, and it's a private school so they're more competitive than state schools. But every little bit helps. Especially since my English teacher said he wanted to explain why my grade was poor, which left me free to just press my good points in the letter. If you didn't get any from teachers, a letter from another adult outside of the family works well too -- like a boss or minister.

I'm glad that helped you, Roman. Good luck again.
Em*~

[amuse]

sp: psychology
a lot of grit in your letter; esp. concerning the Ph.D. best of luck to you. :)

[Roman]

I got 4 letters from teachers. They asked for 3. I didn't want too many because quality is better than quantity anyways. I also included my final transcript which included 3 more A's that they haven't seen yet.

[emily655321]

That's good. That should do you.

[Miranda]

Just a few little mistakes in addition to the ones Emily pointed out: In the fourth paragraph you need 'My plans for my college career are' or 'My plan for my college career is'.

You have 'and' instead of 'an' here: 'college education will not come to and end '

Here 'Having a Ph.D upon graduating will be an advantage to starting the career I have always wanted and being highly skilled at it.' I would alter the end to read '..the career I have always wanted and desire to be highly skilled at'.

I am not sure of the context you are writing in but maybe you could write ' I hope my letter will persuade you to take a second look ( or reconsider' )' at the beginning of your last paragraph.

'Starting at a university is very important for me considering what my plans are for my degree and my career. I have no time to spare at a community college when I could be studying at a finer institute'

Here I would write ' Obtaining a university place is very important to me and I am prepared to work hard in order to obtain the degree that I need to attain my ambition. (here you could name your ambition). I do not want to spend time at a community college when I could be studying at a finer institute. '

I think I might have seen your letter a little late though and you might have posted it by now. But I wish you well Roman and hope you get your place, because you sound like you are really prepared to work hard to get where you want to be and deserve the chance.

Miranda









Originally posted by Roman
In receiving your response to my application, I am determined to present to you as to why I am an eligible canidate for Arizona State University. I hope after reading my letter that you will see why my grades were not top notch towards the beginning of my high school education and my plans for my future college career.

While attending Peoria Accellerated High School, I was able to discover the teacher that would change the way I feel about my future and the attitude I put towards my school work. He made me realize that every piece of work I did in high school would ultimately be crucial tools for success in my future paths. Before reaching Peoria Accellerated, I was never challenged nor inspired to do anything with my life. All the teachers at Peoria Accellerated helped me see why it is better to reach for a higher level goal, a university, rather than an average goal, a community college.

Phsycology, the degree, I am aiming for is a big enough drive for me to suceed at Arizona State. Throughout my childhood, I have had friends who had troubling lifes with alcohol and drugs. It is so hard to accomplish anything in your life if you are troubled by those demons. I want to be able to help kids with those kinds of problems. Wether it’s drugs, alcohol, suicide or family issues. The worse thing to see is a teenager throwing away his life when he or she can be something important some day.

My plans for my college career is a long and challenging one. I have always believed in going for the highest possible level of achievement. Therefore, my college education will not come to and end until I have successfully obtained a Ph.D in psychology. Having a Ph.D upon graduating will be an advantage to starting the career I have always wanted and being highly skilled at it.

I hope my letter will help you take a second look at my future plans at Arizona State. Starting at a university is very important for me considering what my plans are for my degree and my career. I have no time to spare at a community college when I could be studying at a finer institute.

[Roman]

Thank you Miranda. Your not late. I wont print it out until later tonight when I have received all the help I can get. I fixed most of the spelling errors. You've made some good suggestions and will alter my writing to look more like yours. Thank you again.

[Miranda]

I hope that you are successful, Roman. When you said you needed it in for tomorrow and I wrote my reply, it was night where I live, in England and I'm guessing you must be hours ahead or behind our time. It's five past seven in the morning now as I post this.
Miranda.


Originally posted by Roman
Thank you Miranda. Your not late. I wont print it out until later tonight when I have received all the help I can get. I fixed most of the spelling errors. You've made some good suggestions and will alter my writing to look more like yours. Thank you again.