My Love Sonnet

[TeH]

All opinions are appreciated.


How can I begin to describe my heart
A love torn within like a broken bark
I cannot resist my urge to impart
Waiting for you to lead me from the dark
Let me explain words stuck between my lips
My thoughts become lost in a space entwine
I try to escape but my heart just drips
At the beauty of your face divine.
Yet I know we will never meet again
Like shadows cast on this solemn world
I begin to write in a crimson pen
To save me from my own heart twirled
At last we will meet like a broken love
And I will leave a broken answer from above


I Know the stress and un-stress syllables are off. I;m working on it

-I really need feedback since I am not great at writing sonnets and do not know much about writing them.

~Thanks

[Bii]

Hi TeH,

What you have written is interesting but it's not a sonnet. A sonnet does not have stanzas it is a 14 line continuous poem. There are various different forms of the sonnet around; the easiest of these is the 'English' (or Shakespearean) sonnet which has a rhyming scheme which goes:
a,b,a,b,c,d,c,d,e,f,e,f,g,g

Italian sonnets are generally split into an octet followed by a sestet. The octet rhyming scheme is generally a,b,b,a,a,b,b,a; the sestet is more flexible in rhyming scheme, commonly this is c,d,c,d,c,d.

Sonnets are also written in iambic pentameter which is a ten syllable line where the words have a stressed syllable followed by an unstressed syllable. In the first three lines of your poem you have kept the lines to 10 syllables but they are not iambic (ie not an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable). Iambic pentameter can be hard to get your head around - try reading some John Donne poems or Shakespearean sonnets and that helps to make it a bit clearer - take a well known Shakespearean sonnet as follows (italics denote the stressed syllable):

Shall I com pare thee to a sum mers day

Sonnets also have a volta or a turn at the end of the octet - this changes the emphasis of the poem as though the writer has walked down one path, then turned and walked in a different direction (poetically speaking!).

Sonnets although seeming quite simple on the face of it, are actually quite difficult to write because the form is so restrictive.

Good luck with the rest of your poem.

[TeH]

Hey Bii,

I Know i have not finished, I just want an opinion on the first eight lines
I will add the rest later on.

But, is the first eight following the sonnet form? Am i going in the right direction?

Yes, the stressed and un-stressed part is very hard. =[

[Pendragon]

Personally, you are allowing the form to rule you. A poem must naturally flow. You are concentrating so hard on iambic pentameter and rhyme that it is throwing off your poem. Try just writing the 14 lines with the a,b,a,b,c,d,c,d,e,f,e,f,g,g or a,b,b,a,c,d,d,c e,f,g,e,f,g (the sestet can take different forms) and forget meter, let the poem flow. I only put a turn after the octave in Petrarchan sonnets, not Shakespearean, but that's Poetic Licence. Good luck! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Shades.gif

[Countess]

I'm with Pendragon on this one. I wasn't going to say anything, but I can agree with him.
If you like rhyme, try alliteration.