two new poems i wrote

[FireJuggler]

hello i recently wrote a couple of poems and i would like anyone to please comment on them and give some helping hints when writing poems in the future
here is the first one
You Asked for a Light, I Gave You a Structure Fire

[An on looking demon’s sights]

Dance under the sun you wretches of the earth
Dine under Armageddon sinners and mourners.
The fear has come; let us scream
Into the sky and curse the heavens.
You brought this on yourself, do not cry
For you shall join us in this pit of despair.
Everlasting darkness rules the sky
Nothing can be seen but evil deeds.

[The peoples cry]

Who will save us?
Who will free us?
Shall we rise against ourselves?
Or join the dance of plagues.

[Eyewitness account of the hero]

From the distance a flicker is seen, a light if you will
Coming from the hill our hero is shown
‘Tis not a man nor women but a child.
He carries a book, a source of the light
Letters are etched on the surface of unknown character
Of hope or of despair, we know not.
Opening the book it showered light
Cutting through the darkness and into hearts
The darkness fades, the hero remains
Light never fades
Darkness never stays

here is the second one:

The feeling of Anguish, my favorite!

Who ever wanted this?
This anguish and hate
He wanted it
It’s a gift
Will you open it?
Or leave it wrapped?
Internal pain is felt
Eternal sadness is shown
Can I kill these feelings?
Or will I be overthrown
Thinking through and through
My mind races
For an answer
For results.
Who is to blame?
Is it you?
Is it me?
Is it love?
Is it hate?
Is it a truth?
Or is it a lie?
What can bring relief?
What is my remedy?
A fuel for the fire
Destroyer of souls.

[Pendragon]

Advice? Don't mix poetry and religion. The first one is interesting, actually, but the title seems to clash with the meat of the poem. In the poem you talk of a hero, thus:



From the distance a flicker is seen, a light if you will
Coming from the hill our hero is shown
‘Tis not a man nor women but a child.
He carries a book, a source of the light
Letters are etched on the surface of unknown character
Of hope or of despair, we know not.
Opening the book it showered light
Cutting through the darkness and into hearts
The darkness fades, the hero remains
Light never fades
Darkness never stays


This sounds favorable to the hero, but the title, You Asked for a Light, I Gave You a Structure Fire , sounds as if you don't have much use for such a hero.

The second sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder. The feeling of Anguish
Who ever wanted this?
This anguish and hate
He wanted it

My bolds. You sound as if you are blaming God for everything and bitterly at that. You can write, you just might want to consider subject matter more objectively. Who is your audience? Who are you trying to reach? Good Luck! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif

[FireJuggler]

in the second poem i do not blame God in anyway shape or form, actually i am speaking of Satan; in the first poem the title goes along with the power of the light instead of it just being a light it saved the people

[Pendragon]

in the second poem i do not blame God in anyway shape or form, actually i am speaking of Satan; in the first poem the title goes along with the power of the light instead of it just being a light it saved the peopleOK. See, that is why I said the bit about not mixing religion with poetry, especially the more abstract kind of poetry. Had you named the villain in the second poem, a slight reference to an adversary, let us say, someone like myself would not go astray, nor would most others.

And while I see your point, (actually I saw it the first read, that the light saved the people), a structure fire is a poor comparison. People need light for their salvation and you set a structure on fire to provide it? This endangers them, and someone could be in the structure. "I Gave You a Lighthouse" or a Beacon" might be my choice of words, and light that can be seen for great distances, and warns of dangers.

I wasn't being harsh, believe me, if you start to submit poetry for publication, the editors can rip you to shreds!

God Bless.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Tinkerbell.gif

[FireJuggler]

now it makes a lot more sense!!! i see what you are saying by naming the hero or enemy or my title. i thank you for your criticism and elaborating it for me.

[Pendragon]

You are quite welcome. Actually, you do name your enemy in the second poem, last line "Devourer of Souls", but starting off with "He did." makes it sound like God. Maybe that line should be "Vile enemy". “Fallen Angel” , or something of the sort. I confess I missed the significance of the last line until now. Keep on writing, Juggler! You will go far, if I'm not mistaken. http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif