Your opinion matters

[NickAdams]

"What can I get you?"
"Don't know. I'm not so hungry," he said. "What d'ya got t' drink?"
The waitress handed him the drink menu, "We have coffee."
"Ok. I'll have a coffee."
"Anything else?"
"The coffee and a shot of whiskey."
"So coffee and a shot whiskey.”
“That’s right.”
“Be right back.”
The waitress left. As she moved towards the kitchen, the man pulled his wallet from his coat pocket and looking through its contents he called to her, "Miss! Miss!”
“Yes.”
“Miss, it’s too early for coffee... just bring the whiskey."

Were you interested? What did I achieve? Where did I fail? Could you follow who was speaking? Did I identify the waitress to late? Would you be interested in it being expanded?

[cows]

The waitress' position was easy to follow, no confusion there.

It's hard to say whether of not I'd be interested in more from such a short piece. Felt like a small town scene. The man's strange whisky/coffee request caught my attention a bit. Sure, I'd read further, why not.

[manolia]

Ok you caught my attention. It seems like the guy is depressed, or maybe dissappointed with his life. I want to learn what happened to him.

[Virgil]

I don't know if it's because of your avatar and your name but it comes across as a cheap imitation of Hemingway. I'd recommend you look inside yourself and write from within you.

[NickAdams]

Virgil,

Lets go with avatar. If I had an avatar with Dickens, you might think differently. Or, it could be a bad imitation. If so, it's not intentional. I've packed Hemingway up. I've been on a diet of plays, Shaw at the moment. This seed is still growing; lets see if it changes form.

[motherhubbard]

Nick, I read this the day you posted, but am just now getting around to commenting. I was interested. I expected you to sound like Hemmingway before I read it so I don’t know if you sound too much so or not. He’s been an influence and one could do worse for an influence. More than Hemmingway I thought of Eugene O’Neal and “The Ice Man Cometh”. Wonderful play. Your sad, needing a drink to chase away the blues, skip the coffee character reminded me of those guys in the play. Have you read it?

[NickAdams]

Nick, I read this the day you posted, but am just now getting around to commenting. I was interested. I expected you to sound like Hemmingway before I read it so I don’t know if you sound too much so or not. He’s been an influence and one could do worse for an influence. More than Hemmingway I thought of Eugene O’Neal and “The Ice Man Cometh”. Wonderful play. Your sad, needing a drink to chase away the blues, skip the coffee character reminded me of those guys in the play. Have you read it?

Thanks. I thought this thread died on me.:sick:

I haven't read it, but it's on my list. I'll bump it up to a summer read.;)

I use Hemingway's iceberg principle, so I think it might be what's similiar. But I try to take the dialogue from the people around me.

I never had a purpose for this short. I just saw it as joke ending on the punch-line, but after reading Wait for Godot and Light in August, I've started to expand it. Unfortunately, I won't be using this scene.:bawling:

Thanks again. It helps when I know someones reading my stuff.

[Countess]

"
Were you interested?
What did I achieve?
Where did I fail?
Could you follow who was speaking? '
Did I identify the waitress to late?
Would you be interested in it being expanded?

1. Yes. Figured he was drunk based on the dialect.
2. What were you trying to achieve? The punchline at the end suggested humor.
3. You didn't fail.
4. Yes.
5. No.
6. Depends on how you expand it.


Virgil,

Shaw at the moment. This seed is still growing; lets see if it changes form.

Oooh, you like Shaw and Wilde! Great taste in wit! Got any further recommendations for me?

I've got Shaw on "Read" as well. I've grown tired of Dostoevsky (I tend to gorge myself on an author and then grow sick of him, kinda like music too).

[NickAdams]

Oooh, you like Shaw and Wilde! Great taste in wit! Got any further recommendations for me?

I've got Shaw on "Read" as well. I've grown tired of Dostoevsky (I tend to gorge myself on an author and then grow sick of him, kinda like music too).

Woody Allen is addictively ludicrous. Death (a play) is a good read.
I read Waiting for Godot a couple of weeks ago and I thought that was unsually insightful.
But I don't know about wit.

What was you recent musical gorge?

[Turk]

I don't know if it's because of your avatar and your name but it comes across as a cheap imitation of Hemingway. I'd recommend you look inside yourself and write from within you.

No offend Nick, but i agree with Virgil, this is so Hemingway, even after the first 2 lines i remembered "Hills Like White Elephants".

[NickAdams]

No offend Nick, but i agree with Virgil, this is so Hemingway, even after the first 2 lines i remembered "Hills Like White Elephants".

Why should I be offended.;)

I'm an advocate for the iceberg principle and use minimalism as an artistic safety.

Hemingway's technique had a strong effect on me, then came Faulkner and Beckett this year. I've come a way with more than a story, but techniques I plan on exploring. The more influences the less I sound like any one author.
"Creativity is a cave filled with echoes from generations of voices merged into the head of the writer, whom writes with one voice."

At this point in my training, I think it's important to be original in story.
When trying to expand this, I kept thinking of scenarios that called The Killers to mind. I did look into myself Virgil, thanks for advice, and the next version is going to be a bit more personal.

As always, thanks for reading.

[NickAdams]

I gave you some feedback using the format I use as an editor.

There's not enough for me to know if you failed, but it was very easy to follow.

I didn't think he was drunk when he ordered, but I did wonder why it was too early for coffee, but not too early for whiskey. And what he saw in his wallet that triggered that.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to write like someone else while still discovering one's own voice, but I do think one has to be sensitive to his or her own voice and let it emerge. I admire Faulkner so much, just love his writing, but his voice isn't my voice. I'm naturally more like Turgenev than Faulkner.

I also think a writer needs to be aware of themes that emerge during his writing. Usually, a writer will develop two or three major themes in all of his work.

Thanks for your feedback. I think the failure was in my attempt to write a story without a story. The end result is an anecdote that Truman Capote wouldn't have relayed at a party after last call.

If the story dictates the style, then lack of story is the cause for the crutched style. Everything is borrowed: setting, language and subject.

Like Joyce, who spent seven years developing Ulysses before writing it, I too am filling my notebooks and have discovered my themes (which number three) in doing so.


And what he saw in his wallet that triggered that.


There's the failure. I was attempting to use Hemingway's iceberg principle, but I didn't succeed in establishing that he was short on cash. It would be a good exercise to edit this, but my heart isn't in it ... on second thought ...