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[NSAM]

I'm sorry for the shameless method i used to get you to wander here,
But there is a poem i have made that I would like construed


Through urban attraction, we become one
Like fag ends trod in chewing gum.
Grit and affection, I've a favoured one
But they follow each other around.

Even the night sky that the city rents
Helps catalyse the malevolence
The ominous gift of Frankinscence
Scorches the dark in burning cars

In a terrace theres a thug or thief
That made me swallow both my wisdom teeth
Though digested naivety dilutes the grief
And misery loves company.

But I found a side I hadn't seen
That doesn't feel like Neoprene
Veined with rivers, and dressed in green
She opens her arms and mothers me

So take my hand, and we'll escape from this
On hills we'll drown in fetal bliss
Not doubt and know, but hope and assume
To be lost forever in nature's womb

[NSAM]

anyone?

[Pendragon]

Very nice. The rhyme reminds be of an old Simon & Garfunkel Song Going Home. I'd change the last verse to fit the rest of the rhyme. Then break and end on the finall couplet. Just suggestions. http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif

[NSAM]

Thanks a lot, pen. Yeah i agree, i think i was probably trying a little too hard to get a heroic couplet at the end.

I think your idea would give it a much more conclusive ending.

Thanks again

[SleepyWitch]

interesting. i like it.. except "To be lost forever in nature's womb"

hum, I'm not too happy with the abrupt transition from the first four to the fifth stanza.. the first four sound very realistic, disillusioned, post-everything etc and then we're back to the old city-vs-nature romanticism...

[NSAM]

haha. I know. that clangs when i read it back.

I was in a rush to finish it and , to an extent, just lobbed some anti-utilitarian cliches in.

But thanks for the criticism.

[NSAM]

In fact i might even do a Verse-ectomy and turn it into a song