Opinions Please!

[billierene]

Sometimes I think I love you.
Sometimes I swear I couldn’t live without you.
Other times, I lay on a verbal execution of your dignity.
But you still smile, and tell me you love me.
I don’t think you realize what’s going on in y head.

I say I’m okay, the phase will pass.
But everyday, I wish it were your last.
Deeply hurt, but for reasons unknown.
You told me, from the beginning, you weren’t my own.

Perhaps it’s because I’m scared you’ll leave me.
But I know it’s safer for you to go.
I often wonder why love is defined as having a deep,
Tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude.
But if this is true why do I feel myself caring for only my needs?

Maybe I don’t love you after all.

[JBI]

Reads like prose broken up. Try different word choices to make the flow more "poetic". As well, you may try enjambment a little bit instead of so much end stopping. As well, I would throw in some similes and metaphors to help with the imagery, for instance "Some Times I think I love you". Here you have put a powerful line, I think it is the perfect place to stick a simile.

Good luck with this; it needs some work, but you are off to a good start.

[Adolescent09]

My reaction to the beginning and ending lines of your prose poem is not complimentary mainly because of the comedic euphemism presented between 'Sometimes I think I love you. and Maybe I don't love you after all.'. Your poem sounds like a general compilation of musings which are obsessively used and thus formulaic in the love poetry genre. Although perhaps acceptable in contemporary pop music poetry, unlike music allows you to redefine the definition of love and break-up on a personal level with compelling vocabulary and catchy phrases. Take these lines of my latest mediocre poem for an example:


Why have my cupid dove's plumes been plucked?
For every internal rose thump, a beat is stuck,
in a quarantine of ice, now constricted,
soon to die, eternally afflicted.

Here I do my best to depict the souring of love through avian flight then how love can die when the avian's feathers are 'plucked'.
---------
Instead of wittily embellishing on the paradoxes and effects of love as other great poets have done, you use lines such as


But you still smile, and tell me you love me.
I don’t think you realize what’s going on in [m]y head.

which is simply the 'same old, same old'. Poetry unlike other types of writing promotes the expansion of creativity through observant and unique word usage. It feels as if you are lazily constricting yourself by inserting lines in your poem you, yourself should know are cliche on the global poetry interface.
In order to vivify your lines with color and unique differentiations, I'd suggest that you parallel love to physical descriptions of life such as a rose, a sunset, a grassy meadow... even a cat's purr or the cooling of a cup of hot coffee.. Hot love cooling as the relationship grows old and sour... Do you see?

I hope this helped and please enjoy the forums, billierene! :D

[Aunty-lion]

My reaction to the beginning and ending lines of your prose poem is not complimentary mainly because of the comedic euphemism presented between 'Sometimes I think I love you. and Maybe I don't love you after all.'. Your poem sounds like a general compilation of musings which are obsessively used and thus formulaic in the love poetry genre. Although perhaps acceptable in contemporary pop music poetry, unlike music allows you to redefine the definition of love and break-up on a personal level with compelling vocabulary and catchy phrases. Take these lines of my latest mediocre poem for an example:



Here I do my best to depict the souring of love through avian flight then how love can die when the avian's feathers are 'plucked'.
which is simply the 'same old, same old'. Poetry unlike other types of writing promotes the expansion of creativity through observant and unique word usage. It feels as if you are lazily constricting yourself by inserting lines in your poem you, yourself should know are cliche on the global poetry interface.

I hope this helped and please enjoy the forums, billierene! :D


Hi all,

I mostly agree with what Adol wrote here, but I have to point out, to me, the possible similes you lay out as examples Adol, are equally "same old same old"

In order to vivify your lines with color and unique differentiations, I'd suggest that you parallel love to physical descriptions of life such as a rose, a sunset, a grassy meadow... even a cat's purr or the cooling of a cup of hot coffee.. Hot love cooling as the relationship grows old and sour... Do you see?

Sunsets, roses, grassy meadows and kittycats don't seem all that inspired to me. I'm not trying to be sardonic, but I'm just wondering if those were serious suggestions, or if you were just making a point?? (And actually, the coffee metaphor was okay).

Either way, I think most of what Adol wrote is definately worth taking into account. I have written a million similar love poems (mostly when I was an angsty teenager), and there's a lot to be learned from them.

In fact, I wound up turning a lot of them into songs and they all seemed to work a lot better that way.

Although perhaps acceptable in contemporary pop music poetry

Hehehe...

Good luck and keep on writing!

Aunty xox:)

[Pendragon]

I dislike giving negitive reviews on poetry, but you would want honesty from Old Uncle Pen more than a varnished lie. This needs a lot of work if you are serious about turning it into a poem. You have words, but no feeling. It is written like a "Dear John" letter, not a poem. There is no sense of longing, or loss, or the bittersweet taste of what could have been. 'Dole had some good ideas; try them. Show us how it feels, flaunt your broken heart, and if you still want the last line, then make it an "in your face" type of thing, like

Look what you had, and you threw this away.
I gave you all I had and it was never good enough—
OK. Maybe I didn't love you anyway.
Oh by the way—Have a nice day…

[Adolescent09]

Hi all,

I mostly agree with what Adol wrote here, but I have to point out, to me, the possible similes you lay out as examples Adol, are equally "same old same old" Sunsets, roses, grassy meadows and kittycats don't seem all that inspired to me. I'm not trying to be sardonic, but I'm just wondering if those were serious suggestions, or if you were just making a point?? (And actually, the coffee metaphor was okay).

Hey Aunty-lion :wave:. I was only making a point with sunsets, roses, grassy meadows and kitty cats. I agree that they are far from inspired but it could liven his line up to an extent :). Have a good day.

[Adolescent09]

OK. Maybe I didn't love you anyway.
Oh by the way—Have a nice day…

Hah!. I like that... nice Pen :)

[Aunty-lion]

Oh good, I thought that was what you were trying to say,


Hey Aunty-lion . I was only making a point with sunsets, roses, grassy meadows and kitty cats. I agree that they are far from inspired but it could liven his line up to an extent . Have a good day.


OK. Maybe I didn't love you anyway.
Oh by the way—Have a nice day…

Yeah, I like that too. ;)