First Draft of New Book I'm Working on.

[billierene]

She appeared out of no where, shortly after the loud explosion Kirk heard on the balcony of his dingy hotel room. She found him, there was no where else to go but down. Kirk leapt with all his strength, hoping for some sort of miracle to submerge from the dim night and save him. Maybe she was sent to save him. There was no time to think, just hope. She dove after, rapidly deciding in his direction, an ankle, his ankle… It was over, he was sure of it. His eyes sealed as tightly as they could have, he was shocked to land so softly. He heard her panting, like a lion waiting to dig his fangs into a helpless antelope. He was helpless, and scared.

Let me

[JBI]

She appeared out of no where, shortly after the loud explosion Kirk heard on the balcony of his dingy hotel room. She found him, there was no where else to go but down. Kirk leapt with all his strength, hoping for some sort of miracle to submerge from the dim night and save him. Maybe she was sent to save him. There was no time to think, just hope. She dove after, rapidly deciding in his direction, an ankle, his ankle… It was over, he was sure of it. His eyes sealed as tightly as they could have, he was shocked to land so softly. He heard her panting, like a lion waiting to dig his fangs into a helpless antelope. He was helpless, and scared.

Let me

No offense, but your paragraph doesn't make much sense. She appearing out of nowhere, after Kirk hears a loud explosion. Kirk then goes on to leap off of a balcony, even though you have told us nothing about anything. Kirk already acted, why do we need to hear "There was no time to think". That line is out of place.

On another note, why did you bother posting a piece of your work here, mind you the wrong forum, when we know nothing of the story. The para doesn't really make sense to anyone who hasn't read the full thing.

Good luck, but perhaps if you want some help post on the writing forum.

[Captain Pike]

One thing: it's the female lions that rip down the antelopes.

[NickAdams]

To many over used figures of speech. We know explosions are loud; try introducing the explosion by the effect. After an explosion, the night is not dim.

[Athos]

Alright then...I'm in agreement with NickAdams that some things you say are contradicting (loud explosion; dim night) and also with JBI that giving us this one paragraph makes no sense. At all. We have no idea where you are trying to get with this. If you post a bit more, maybe I could be of a bit more help...