My Poem

[TeH]

Well can you guys critique my rough draft poem?

This World

I see a world filled with war and hate
We don’t stop to think
Of all the things that we appreciate
The love and truth that makes a link

I see the sun rise
As it looks across a meadow
A sign of hope to cover our lies
And to lead us from sorrow

I see a world of music
Harmony that will set us free
To save us from panic
As we endure this silent sea

I see a world of Heroes -----> need to rhyme
Each one filling the void
To rid the world of violence-----> need to rhyme
And keep us from being destroyed.

~thanks

[Nightshade]

I like it as it is, maybe you shouuldnt find a rhyme for the last section ( stanza verse? Im so rubbish at rembering what they are called) it draws more attention to it usuaallly when you break with the pattern.
Howvever if you really want a rhyme ( its absaloutly useless though) Orioes!:D

Or you could try findong a synonom for hero?

[Adolescent09]

It's extremely cliche after the first line which renders the rest of it typically dull (I'm sorry if that sounded rude but I'm trying to give my honest opinion). You force some of your rhymes and nuancies in certain stanzas... this one especially:


I see a world of music
Harmony that will set us free
To save us from panic
As we endure this silent sea

For one.. If you read the stanza to yourself (maybe more than once) you'll discern that it's self-contradictory. 'I see a world of music.. Harmony that will set us free... to save us from panic... as we endure this silent sea' I think the line, "as we endure scarlet wrath of sea" might sound a little better to replace the portion marked in italics because the word 'silent' makes it appear as if we are already living a life of purity, making this panic nonexistent and thus making the contradiction in the stanza...

It also appears awkardly disjointed due to the fact that you have forced music to rhyme with panic.. If you say the words next to each other you will realize that you get vastly different syllaballic sounds which don't rhyme at all in exception to the "ic"...: Mew-zIK ... Pan-ik

I personally think your last stanza is your best because it conveys a comfortable alternative to the previously forced lines... Less forcing.. more creativity. You have an artistic touch :)

I hope you can see my point of view and you don't get pissed with me! Please enjoy the forums and the wonderful constituents of litnet! :D

[Pendragon]

Well can you guys critique my rough draft poem?

This World

I see a world filled with war and hate
We don’t stop to think
Of all the things that we appreciate
The love and truth that makes a link

I see the sun rise
As it looks across a meadow
A sign of hope to cover our lies
And to lead us from sorrow

I see a world of music
Harmony that will set us free
To save us from panic
As we endure this silent sea

I see a world of Heroes -----> need to rhyme
Each one filling the void
To rid the world of violence-----> need to rhyme
And keep us from being destroyed.

~thanksOK. You are wanting to rhyme the last stanza. We can do that, but you may or may not like it:


I live in a world of silence,
No heroes to fill the void—
To rid the world of violence
And keep us from being destroyed...


I also agree with 'Dole that "silent sea" doesn't go with the verse, I would use what he suggested.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Cheers.gif

[shadowy girl]

I'm sure the meaning is more important that the rythem, So don't change it, It's cool like this!

You're so talented.. deep meanings!

[TeH]

thanks for the help, I have taken account of your ideas and this is my poem now:

I see a world filled with war and hate
We don’t stop to think
Of all the things that we appreciate
The love and truth that makes a link

I see the great sun rise
As it looks across a meadow
A sign of hope to cover our lies
And to lead us from our sorrow

I see a world of music
Harmony that will set us free
To save us from panic
As we endure a scarlet wrath of sea

I live in a world of silence,
No heroes to fill the void—
To rid the world of violence
And keep us from being destroyed.

i kind of need help with the 'music' and 'panic' lines. I am trying to make those lines 'flow' more.

[TeH]

i revised again:

This World

I see a world filled with war and hate
We don’t stop to think
Of all the things that we appreciate
The love and truth that makes a link

I see the great sun rise
As it looks across a meadow
A sign of hope to cover our lies
And to lead us from our sorrow

I see a world of melodic atmosphere
And music that sets us free
But the only sound I hear
Is this scarlet wrath of sea

I live in a world of silence,
No heroes to fill the void—
To rid the world of violence
And keep us from being destroyed.

which is the better of the two revised ones?

[Triskele]

here i am agreeing with adol... i kinda want a darker edge to it... also, i really would like a bit more flow to the poem, some sort of link between the stanzas, i realize that you would have to do some serious editing, but, thats just my opinion, each of the stanzas seem to almost stand alone as a poem unto itself.

[TeH]

I am not sure how i would link the whole thing together. any ideas?

[Reccura]

Whoa, nice poem, man. I liked the second one better than the first, though. Keep on writing, and be sure that the thesaurus will be right beside ye. :p

[worldwalker]

I think the poem is too raional to exert more aesthetic feeling. You use concept instead of image. That's my personal point of view. Maybe you have ever read the poem by Wordsworth. maybe he could give you some suggestions. keep on writing,as adol said you already "have an artistic touch" , and some more respected is your concern about the existence of the human.

[Pendragon]

I think this one: http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showpost.php?p=372768&postcount=7 covers your points nicely. Don't worry about the darkness, the world you are discribing is the world in which we unfortunately live. Sometimes, the truth is the best road home. http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Fireworks.gif

[TeH]

Would this be a better revision?

This World

As I see the morning sun rise
It looks across a meadow
A sign of hope to cover our lies
And to lead us from our sorrow

This is a world filled with war and hate
We don’t stop to think
Of all the things that we appreciate
The love and truth that makes a link

I feel a world of melodic atmosphere
And music that sets us free
But the only sound I hear
Is this scarlet wrath of sea

I live in a world of silence,
No heroes to fill the void—
To rid the world of violence
And keep us from being destroyed.

please leave your opinions:

-thanks

[ktd222]

Just a quick comment because I have to go to work. The start of each stanza is very important in your poem. The idea that from where the speaker is "seeing" all of what he/she sees, is she part of this world you speak about? For me, that gives the speaker a real quality, a quality of being able to see the "love and truth" in a world full of "war and hate." So when you moved your poem to this "darker" ending, I think the position of the speaker is very important to the poem's idea. It feels the strongest in the second draft you'd posted. The fact that suddenly in the last stanza the speaker is now "living" in the world. Will this cause he/she to lose the ability to discern "love and truth" from "war and hate" anymore, or, as the tone feels...she/he loses sight of truth? The beginning of each stanza is important, and I think you lost it in the third and fourth drafts.

[Reccura]

Would this be a better revision?

This World

As I see the morning sun rise
It looks across a meadow
A sign of hope to cover our lies
And to lead us from our sorrow

This is a world filled with war and hate
We don’t stop to think
Of all the things that we appreciate
The love and truth that makes a link

I feel a world of melodic atmosphere
And music that sets us free
But the only sound I hear
Is this scarlet wrath of sea

I live in a world of silence,
No heroes to fill the void—
To rid the world of violence
And keep us from being destroyed.

please leave your opinions:

-thanks

Yeah, it's better. I think. what's good about you is that you're totally open about opinions and everything, some people don't listen to the improvement of their work. :D


Just a quick comment because I have to go to work. The start of each stanza is very important in your poem. The idea that from where the speaker is "seeing" all of what he/she sees, is she part of this world you speak about? For me, that gives the speaker a real quality, a quality of being able to see the "love and truth" in a world full of "war and hate." So when you moved your poem to this "darker" ending, I think the position of the speaker is very important to the poem's idea. It feels the strongest in the second draft you'd posted. The fact that suddenly in the last stanza the speaker is now "living" in the world. Will this cause he/she to lose the ability to discern "love and truth" from "war and hate" anymore, or, as the tone feels...she/he loses sight of truth? The beginning of each stanza is important, and I think you lost it in the third and fourth drafts.


Quite right. You're right. I wish I said that, ktd... Listen to ktd, TeH, this guys good.. :p

[TeH]

I see a world filled with war and hate
We don’t stop to think
Of all the things that we appreciate
The love and truth that makes a link

I see the great sun rise
As it looks across a meadow
A sign of hope to cover our lies
And to lead us from our sorrow

I see a world of music
Harmony that will set us free
To save us from panic
As we endure a scarlet wrath of sea

I live in a world of silence,
No heroes to fill the void—
To rid the world of violence
And keep us from being destroyed.

So this one is the best one?

[shadowy girl]

I see a world filled with war and hate
We don’t stop to think
Of all the things that we appreciate
The love and truth that makes a link

I see the great sun rise
As it looks across a meadow
A sign of hope to cover our lies
And to lead us from our sorrow

I see a world of music
Harmony that will set us free
To save us from panic
As we endure a scarlet wrath of sea

I live in a world of silence,
No heroes to fill the void—
To rid the world of violence
And keep us from being destroyed.

So this one is the best one?

This one I liked the best from all vergions.

[ktd222]

I see a world filled with war and hate
We don’t stop to think
Of all the things that we appreciate
The love and truth that makes a link

I see the great sun rise
As it looks across a meadow
A sign of hope to cover our lies
And to lead us from our sorrow

I see a world of music
Harmony that will set us free
To save us from panic
As we endure a scarlet wrath of sea

I live in a world of silence,
No heroes to fill the void—
To rid the world of violence
And keep us from being destroyed.

So this one is the best one?

This is the best one out of the four drafts you'd posted. Looking through the thread I see that there is not one comment from you as to which direction you want your poem to take. You just "more flow." I think people comments on how to edit your poem would be vastly improved if you gave us a sense of what you are striving to create in this poem.

[TeH]

I see a world of music
Harmony that will set us free
To save us from panic
As we endure a scarlet wrath of sea

I feel that in this stanza, the panic throws off the rythmn in the poem. Any suggestions?

[the silent x]

Well can you guys critique my rough draft poem?

This World

I see a world filled with war and hate
We don’t stop to think
Of all the things that we appreciate
The love and truth that makes a link

I see the sun rise
As it looks across a meadow
A sign of hope to cover our lies
And to lead us from sorrow

I see a world of music
Harmony that will set us free
To save us from panic
As we endure this silent sea

I see a world of Heroes -----> need to rhyme
Each one filling the void
To rid the world of violence-----> need to rhyme
And keep us from being destroyed.

~thanks


maybe, you could try something like this, very good piece of literature
I see a world of Heroes
Each one filling the void
To rid the world of violence and woes
And keep us from being destroyed.

[ktd222]

I see a world of music
Harmony that will set us free
To save us from panic
As we endure a scarlet wrath of sea

I feel that in this stanza, the panic throws off the rythmn in the poem. Any suggestions?

The rhyme is fine. You should worry more about rhyming with reason. Obviously when you speak about music it is usually something you can hear, so what is the "music/and harmony" you hear in this world? Is the rhyme scheme the music itself? If it is, then that's pretty neat, but you must destroy the rhyme scheme in the last stanza, because in the last stanza there is lost of certainty to recognize the results of "warring and hating."
I don't understand why you have "scarlet wrath" in the last line of this stanza. The word you had before, "silent," I thought worked well because it allowed you to carry that thought down to the last stanza with "world of silence." To me, it's like saying the the world you live in is a world of silent seas.