recovering

[amuse]

feels weird to say am going out on a limb here (when haven't i :D) with this poem, but after reading the other one re: disorders, finished as best as am right now able to this one from '98. the prelude is part of it, so forgive the redundancy. :) and if it bothers you, ignore it!


not crazy about sharing this. but have been improving for a while now & plan to be 100% one day. had a friend who'd never discussed this before knowing me. so, for everyone like us:


they were a
quiet fifteen years
if you listen quietly you can almost
hear them hear her
heart murmur
she's 28 she's lost
her way used to sing
her heart out
now she just vomits it
knows every public place
in this city
wishes she smoked
or drank
did anything 'sides
eat
she knows how to repair garbage
disposals clogged
drains but
not her life
she pulls her hair
back (looks)
ready for a new day
new job
new life
but there's a
creeping vine that
won't let
her breathe promises anything
new anything joy
until she's gasping
and tired in a porcelain cave.

they were a quiet fifteen years.
her heart murmurs. i can't
hear it with my
stethoscope but my
doctor can so i believe him when
he tells me it's there.

i started this poem five
years/one day ago;
today i let my hair hang down
and the ponytail holders that i stored in the medicine cabinet,
in the freezer in the fridge
are all gone
and one day-
well, i'm getting there.

[verybaddmom]

wow, amuse. that is a terribly powerful poem. it makes me ache for the lost years experienced.
the part about the doctor confirming the existence of the heart that was unfeeling......wow. and the comparison between the ability to make mundane repairs and the inability to fix "life" was also disturbing while really doing a good job to describe the frustration. love the "porcelain cave" metaphor.
thank you for sharing that.

[amuse]

you're welcome.

:) glad you liked it. and thanks for responding. it's nice to get feedback. esp. as i haven't felt like posting lately for some reason.

that was interesting, the "unfeeling" heart. i want to be either a cardiac nurse or work with girls with eating disorders after i get my bsn; i never thought of that connection to a heart murmur; i've always felt too much. (and shut down a lot 'cause of that.) but when i've a quiet moment or two, it seems worth contemplating that angle. thanks. :)