When I was a tree...

[shadowy girl]

When I was a tree

I remember
when I was a tree
I saw the world,
all the world moving on
and remember many people I used to see
and all the people
that were gone


I remember a little girl
that was picking flowers
those flowers
wished to reach her perfection of beauty
but..
their jealousy didn't make her beauty last for hours
proving how awful jealousy can be


I remember
when I was in the middle of one autumn
trying to collect my falling leaves
and plant them back
I remember
how much I tried to collect some
but when the wind tossed them with him
my hopes went black


I remember how, very soon,
people around me died
and laid, near my roots,
in their graves
many tears were shed,
for that my own branches cried
and my sadness and anger were like seas' waves


Years passed so quickly,
leaving behind unmissed times
and soon,
flames of war began to burn my soil
humans that day were awful
committed thousands of crimes
why?
they threw on the rude flames more oil


I remember
near my trunk I saw a mother
running with her child
for a second
she felt glad to survive
but some soldier was untamed and wild
and shot them both,
counting his Victims: number four and five!


nothing left from the war..
but the graves of the dead
and the light smell of guns in the air
all causing pain
and turning my pure tears into dark red
telling us something
that life was never fair


yet,
spring came again
but this spring's flowers were afraid
to grow or bloom
the sky was still crying
filling the sad air with rain
all people were, still, buried in their houses
not leaving any room...

No life was in the city
where my roots were placed
until people decided to leave their dark graves
to forget but first learn
from the difficulties they had faced
and they decided to rebuild their lives
even if they started from carving caves

[Pensive]

I liked the poem! It's good but I think the following verse needs some work.



When I was a tree
No life was in the city
where my roots were placed
until people decided to leave their dark graves
to forget but first learn
from the difficulties they've faced
and they decided to rebuilt their lives
even if they started from carving caves

When I was a tree
No life was in the city
where my roots were placed
until people decided to leave their dark graves
to forget but first learn
from the difficulties they had faced
and they decided to rebuild their lives
even if they started from carving caves

Even with the correction of the tense mistakes in this verse, I can't seem to follow what you mean here...

[shadowy girl]

thank you for correcting it, you know English is my third language, so really thanks.
what I ment here, and in all the poem, is that the war in palestine, Iraq, lebanon, and all other countries have cased so much destroying, but people, and with the love of life they will rebuild all what war had broken. even if they had to start from Zero.

Good you liked it at all!

[Adolescent09]

Truly magnificent, shadowy. It's a joy to have you here and an honor to see such talent (especially for someone who has english as a third language). I loved these two stanzas most


I remember
when I was a tree
I saw the world,
all the world moving on
and remember many people I used to see
and all the people
that were gone

Your poem incorporates wonderful eloquence in its starting lines, permitting the reader to keep interest down the page as the lines grow a tad "bumpier" and the concept appears to abstract away from the point then come again.


I remember
near my trunk I saw a mother
running with her child
for a second
she felt glad to survive
but some soldier was untamed and wild
and shot them both,
counting his Victims: number four and five!

This evoked sad recollections of genocide exemplified in touching scenes in Steven Spielberg's Schindler's List and outlined the current genocidal conflict present in Central Africa's Darfur between the Middle East muslims and the blacks.

Please post more and present your own reviews on the works of others. I'm sure you would have something interesting to say :)

[shadowy girl]

:)

Truly magnificent, shadowy. It's a joy to have you here and an honor to see such talent (especially for someone who has english as a third language). I loved these two stanzas most


Quote:
I remember
when I was a tree
I saw the world,
all the world moving on
and remember many people I used to see
and all the people
that were gone

Your poem incorporates wonderful eloquence in its starting lines, permitting the reader to keep interest down the page as the lines grow a tad "bumpier" and the concept appears to abstract away from the point then come again.


Quote:
I remember
near my trunk I saw a mother
running with her child
for a second
she felt glad to survive
but some soldier was untamed and wild
and shot them both,
counting his Victims: number four and five!

This evoked sad recollections of genocide exemplified in touching scenes in Steven Spielberg's Schindler's List and outlined the current genocidal conflict present in Central Africa's Darfur between the Middle East muslims and the blacks.

Please post more and present your own reviews on the works of others. I'm sure you would have something interesting to say :)


Thank you very much, the main reason why I even published it on the Internet was to collect some opinions about my writtings:) I don;t think i've got any talent at all, as I'm only in the 8th Grade...:bawling:
I was afraid no one would read it.. I dunno why I;ve got this feeling, but surely after I read many other poems other members wrote.
You were a great encouragement...

[Adolescent09]

You're in the 8th grade? My God, you're so old...:) I'm in the 10th. I'm practically a grandpa :D

[Pensive]

thank you for correcting it, you know English is my third language, so really thanks.
what I ment here, and in all the poem, is that the war in palestine, Iraq, lebanon, and all other countries have cased so much destroying, but people, and with the love of life they will rebuild all what war had broken. even if they had to start from Zero.

Good you liked it at all!


Thanks for explaining it. Reading it with this point of view makes it look even more good and very optimistic! Thanks for sharing it with us. You write very well for a person who is studying in 8th Grade and has English as her third language. :)

[shadowy girl]

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadowy girl
thank you for correcting it, you know English is my third language, so really thanks.
what I ment here, and in all the poem, is that the war in palestine, Iraq, lebanon, and all other countries have cased so much destroying, but people, and with the love of life they will rebuild all what war had broken. even if they had to start from Zero.

Good you liked it at all!


Thanks for explaining it. Reading it with this point of view makes it look even more good and very optimistic! Thanks for sharing it with us. You write very well for a person who is studying in 8th Grade and has English as her third language.

thank you again!!


You're in the 8th grade? My God, you're so old... I'm in the 10th. I'm practically a grandpa
Good to know that there are other VERY OLD members in this forum!:p

[Pendragon]

Very lovely poem. I liked these lines best, I think.



I remember
near my trunk I saw a mother
running with her child
for a second
she felt glad to survive
but some soldier was untamed and wild
and shot them both,
counting his Victims: number four and five!


nothing left from the war..
but the graves of the dead
and the light smell of guns in the air
all causing pain
and turning my pure tears into dark red
telling us something
that life was never fair


yet,
spring came again
but this spring's flowers were afraid
to grow or bloom
the sky was still crying
filling the sad air with rain
all people were, still, buried in their houses
not leaving any room...


Hope after pain, light returning after darkness. http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif

PS: Eighth grade, with English a third language? More than excellent! Highest honors! So 'Dole, in 10th grade you are "practically a gradpa". I'm 46. Want to trade? http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Grin.gif

[shadowy girl]

thank you for passing by Pendragon, you guys are great encouragment!