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xosweetyxo33
04-24-2007, 06:54 PM
What I Did on My April Vacation

April vacation probably the best vacation I’ve had so far of my sixth grade year. Washington D.C, the capital of America, New Jersey and Maryland, these are the places my family planned on going to for vacation, and I expected to have a good time. First we headed off to New Jersey where my aunt and uncle lived with their daughter Eniola. We stayed at their house for one day because the next day we would be taking my aunt and my cousin, Ennie, to Washington D.C where we would go sightseeing. Unfortunately we planned on going early until I noticed I forgot to pass in an essay so I had to type it all over and email it to school, this caused a delay of one hour on our trip to Washington. When we got there we were amazed that there were countless buildings we just couldn’t wait to explore.

During our tour we walked a long way. We saw many sites like Capitol Hill, National Portrait Gallery, the Smithsonian American Art Museum, the US Capitol, the National Arboretum, the Washington Monument, the World War II and last but not least the White House. My favorites out of all the places we visited were the Washington Monument, the World War II Memorial and the White House. The Washington Monument was an miraculous site. The monument was so massive you couldn’t even see the top of it if you were close. When we saw the White House I imagined it being a little bigger like it is in some pictures, but it did have a beautiful garden with lots of pretty flowers. The World War II Memorial was wonderful. There were pictures to show me what all the soldiers went through during the war. Each state had a rectangle wall with its name on it and a wreath below the name of the state. As you walked around you would see inspirational and quotes about the soldiers on the walls in the memorial.

After we had looked at all the sites we wanted to see we drove to Maryland to drop off Ennie and my Aunt at my cousin Fela’s house. Afterward my uncle drove down to Fela’s house to stay with my aunt and cousin. We stayed over Fela’s house till eleven o’ clock and then left to our hotel, which is also in Maryland, and had a good night’s rest. The next day we walked to a near by mall and went to my dad’s friend’s house. We then went back to the hotel get ready for the next day. We had to pack and get ready because we were going to church and leaving for New Jersey that day. When church ended, we went to Fela’s house so we could stay a while and say goodbye. We left before Ennie, her mother, and father. Once we got back to Ennie’s house in New Jersey, we stayed up late, talked, and then went to bed. The following day which was a Monday we left for Boston. When we arrived it was a great relief I was tired, my feet were sore, and I was really hungry. For the rest of the week we stayed home and went shopping. My experience in Washington was unbelievable, educational, and enjoyable. I’m so glad I had the opportunity to go.

plz message me or just pos here with corrections

ashley3554
04-25-2007, 08:40 PM
Hi

You use the coordinating conjunction 'and ' more than you should .

Try to use cohesive devises .

leave a space at the begining of every paragragh

This essay needs thematic progression

Adolescent09
04-25-2007, 08:46 PM
I'm sorry xosweety, the obtrusive errors in grammatical structure and general prosaicness of the theme you wish to present render your essay colorless. You sound as if you enjoyed your trip immensely but I can't help but think that your word usage and as ashley pointed out, lack of thematic elements, dramatically declines the potential your essay has to be great. I respect you for your efforts though and hope you enjoy your stay here at Litnet :D

xosweetyxo33
05-02-2007, 04:38 PM
i put indents but when i pasted it it just didnt do it as i planned it would

Shalot
05-02-2007, 05:48 PM
I'm sorry xosweety, the obtrusive errors in grammatical structure and general prosaicness of the theme you wish to present render your essay colorless. You sound as if you enjoyed your trip immensely but I can't help but think that your word usage and as ashley pointed out, lack of thematic elements, dramatically declines the potential your essay has to be great. I respect you for your efforts though and hope you enjoy your stay here at Litnet :D

Reading is a good way to learn to write, especially for younger students (if I understood your PMs correctly, then you are pretty young, not out of high school yet, right xsweety?)

I agree, with Adolescent09 --- your writing style needs some work, but I am guessing some of the terms I have seen in other replies may not mean much to you and may not help you with this.

If I were you, I would spend the summer with my nose in a number of books. Pick any books, as long as the subject matter/story interests. That helped me the most. Pay attention to the way the writers put the words together. Mimic this. If you read enough you'll pick it up.