Le Roi

[Aiculík]

Please read this poem and let me know what you think of it.

Le Roi

Once upon a time there was a king
dressed in scarlet.

Everything ends
the tale, the summer
love ends too.
Scarlet tatters
lie on the floor
reminding me of blood...
Le Roi est mort, vive le Roi!

The dream is over.
So it is done.
With pain somewhere on the left
I say
"It is said there was once a king
but there is no evidence for that."
Only the weeping queen.

[blp]

This is interesting, Aiculík. The first two lines get you off to a slightly awkward start, mainly I think, because the second line doesn't seem to do much and, at best, doesn't seem to need a line to itself.

Other than that, I think the problems are just with small patches of dead wood, two whit, line 5, '...ends too' and 'reminding me of blood'.

Near the end, I'd change word order a tiny bit, as follows: 'It is said there was once a king'

A small tip on posting: no need to ask people to read and comment - everyone knows that's what you want. Best just to launch straight in with the poem, especially since the poem is previewed when people roll over the title.

[vodka]

i agree that this is an interesting poem, but it feels somehow unfinished to me. and the stanzas make large leaps which feel unassociated from the previous stanza. i understand that this person is fallen, but how and why?

it makes me wonder what happened from the beginning to the end.

jen

[Aiculík]

Thank you both for your comments! :)


Other than that, I think the problems are just with small patches of dead wood, two whit, line 5, '...ends too' and 'reminding me of blood'.

I tried it without "dressed in scarlet" and "ends too", but it seems to me too weak without it. But I decided to change the word order.

But... uh... two "with"? There is only one?


i understand that this person is fallen, but how and why?

What do you mean, fallen? Like, dead? No, nobody died in this poem. In the first stanza, there was someone the woman loved, someone who was a king for her. In second stanza, he's gone and love is ruined - in tatters and it third she tries to forget he ever existed. :D