butterfly and his maiden

[dan020350]

butterfly and his maiden

Beautiful as you are knows what is beautiful
reaching yours hands upon me knows that I am
Beautiful as you are knows what is beautiful
landing in your hands knows that you are

[dan020350]

The Wren

Standing on the edge,
There is fear and there is love
I look down and tremble
I gaze up at the ocean

blinking blinking
Two hands unfold apart
lifting my left leg then my right
Two hands fold back again

Will my mother push me?
Will I be eaten?
I think not
and flew away, letting nature take its course

[Adolescent09]

The Wren

Standing on the edge,
There is fear and there is love
I look down and tremble
I gaze up at the ocean

blinking blinking
Two hands unfold apart
lifting my left leg then my right
Two hands fold back again

Will my mother push me?
Will I be eaten?
I think not
and flew away, letting nature take its course

This is quite an interesting concept, though the gist of it might transcend the limits of my comprehension so I'll ask a few questions just to make sure I understand it completely. Does the line: "I gaze up at the ocean" allude to the blue sky? (if it does, that sounds quite original. nice job) and does the line, "--and flew away, letting nature take its course" mean that the baby wren has endured natures course and is finally breaking through the "infant" barrier into the real world? Or does it mean mommy wren must still fend for it a while longer as the "I think not" line implies..?

It's an intriguing concept which can be interpreted on different levels based on a viewer's imagination. The only thing I find wrong in the writing is the slight discrepancy in grammatical tension between the lines "I think not--and flew away, letting nature take its course".
Perhaps this would sound more poetically fitting and more understandable?:

I think not--
Off away in maternal clutches--
letting nature take its course

Well that sounds pretty bad.. but I think you can see what I mean. The last two lines don't really melt together, but they would beautifully if they were worded properly. Good luck on your poems :)

[dramasnot6]

It is a sweet poem but perhaps you might want to rearrange your words to make it a bit easier to read and understand. Perhaps the verse "Beautiful as you are knows what is beautiful" could use a comma to clarify the pauses and meaning.

[dan020350]

I just try your experiment, and the poem gotten uglier.
But thanks though/

[dan020350]

I think I understnd what you are saying.
About your first question the blue ocean is sky.
The second question- that is right- the baby grew up and off he goes
about the third fixing the poem.

I think you are right, but if I arrange it, the philosophy behind it is lost.
So I would keep it.

thanx for critque though/

[dan020350]

Eyes of the Lotus

Where is the mind,
Of which that is “me”
Where is the eye
Of which is that of the lotus

Before it blooms
The eye is shut,
No thoughts and no time
Only perception to the unknown

When the smile begins,
The lotus blossoms
When the eyes are opened
The lotus blossomed with light and glory

[Adolescent09]

It is interesting but seems a bit predictable. There are no livid descriptions of the lotus which renders it bland and your repeated lines seem to imply that the reader might be to stupid to fathom that when the lotus is not open it isn't blooming and when the lotus is open it is blooming... It is a nice poem, but I think it could be accentuated with descriptions and a variation in the lines.

[dan020350]

It is interesting what you have said. And it makes sense to offer description of the lotus.

But that would ruined my intent.

[Logos]

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=21394