stepmothers

[amuse]

the day’s been a little
busy we made love
i shopped for groceries
went to the gym,
planted some dreams

forgot to put
on my gloves
so i could weed

passed out well after
you took me down

if I could only explain,
my love
it wasn’t you, our
amazing (shhh) it was
venom clear as water
vapour i was blind

her invisible scorpion
sting
rapier’s thrust
rapist’s dagger -
blighted and
bloody mockery
of life


oh that i had been
born of man
women poison the
world

[amuse]

wife
wh*re
concubine
humancattle

chattel.

in which
century do you
read this what
name have
you for me?

atop sanctimonious
olympus you meddle
and pry,

in the valley
i stand bedecked
in jewels...

caring not what
what you call me
for i love
this man.

[amuse]

i wanna make a wish
for a purple-striped fish
all decked out in leather
sitting on pleather

quoting beethoven,
drinking coke & rum

playing parcheesi
in late-night
speakeasies

"it's a little too warm,"
he'll say as he squirms
(and casts his
grand scales onto
some vain lady's nails)

he'll gamble and clink
down drink after drink
don the money as garb
flag down a cab

and kiss me so sweet
as if i were a frog to his prince
that when we make our way hence
to a sea-going fleet

i'll think not of e'er leaving
my sweet marine love
but say hello to the sea
and farewell to the doves.

:D

[spally]

oh my. wow. its...its wow. i'm not much into the knowing what i'm talking about half the time, but i know what i like. so i'm not gonna sit here and tell you stuff that i have no idea what i'm talking about. its great, and i enjoyd it.

[spally]

...still no idea what i'm talking about, but i take it you love some one that eithr you shouldn't or there are just people that think you shouldn't. i told you i have no idea what i'm talking about. i liked it though.

[blp]

Curse this new clustering policy. Everyone seems to have to learn it the hard way. Leaves the rest of us with too much to look at, but I'll do what I can.

Looks to me like your best stuff for a while, amuse. I'm not sure the original and much more apt title of the first was a problem. Reminds me of fairytale wicked stepmothers and mothers, particularly the one in Snow White. That and the second seem to work very much as a pair, so perhaps their grouping here makes sense and both look interestingly like they could be feminist expressions of anger against men - especially with the list of phallic violations - scorpion sting, rapier, rapist's dagger - and of sexist epithets - whore etc. - until you find out these are coming from a woman to a woman. Reminds me somewhat of Germaine Greer's The Female Eunuch, where a lot of the ire is against women too, somewhat surprisingly.

I like the mix of quotidien details (shopping etc.) with the more poetic elements in the first. Feel a bit lost with it too, wanting a bit more explanation. Again the old title, perhaps just shortened to the singular, might help, might even be enough. Also wonder if there are some unnecessarily confusing phrases, e.g. forgot to put on my gloves so I could weed might go down more easily as forgot to put on my gloves before weeding and I don't know what you mean by 'took me down'. 'Meddle and pry' is verging on a cliché, though kind of works coming after the epic mythological image of Olympus. Whoops, I've switched poems. Urk. Darnit.

Well, I love the first up to blind, especially the end part of that:

amazing (shhh) it was
venom clear as water
vapour i was blind

After that, it feels to me like it's trailing off. The second is very neat (and could be called 'stepmother' too), though I've a sneaking feeling it could be improved with a little tweaking of line breaks. The third is perhaps you just playing about, but as such, I also like it a lot more at the start, where the imagery and word usage is much more playful and absurd. Especially like the use of 'pleather'.

[Logos]

Curse this new clustering policy. Everyone seems to have to learn it the hard way.

Well I know, I'm sorry :( I don't know how to make that sticky topic more (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=21394) noticeable and I'm not trying to be mean or discouraging but I really don't know how it can be made fair to all others who also want their stuff read than to have such a policy (which only applies on a *daily* basis, most only post one poem at a time. But the policy was put in place when we had people posting multiple poems a day, thus 'flooding' the forum)

[amuse]

Oh criminy, I'm sorry, Logos.
Thanks for pointing this out. :nod: :)

spally, blp, have to run to a meeting - will respond asap. :)

[blp]

Yeah, important stickies need some special important sticky code to make them flash or something. But it does make sense. I got flooded out once by a guy who appeared to be posting all of the 2000 or so poems he'd ever written once. Very frustrating.

[amuse]

Spally, thank you. :) That was so sweet of you to respond.

blp, I've been thinking about your suggestions all day.


I'm not sure the original and much more apt title of the first was a problem. Changed this back, agree with you.
Reminds me of fairytale wicked stepmothers and mothers, particularly the one in Snow White.thanks!
That and the second seem to work very much as a pair, so perhaps their grouping here makes sense and both look interestingly like they could be feminist expressions of anger against men - especially with the list of phallic violations - scorpion sting, rapier, rapist's dagger - and of sexist epithets - whore etc. - until you find out these are coming from a woman to a woman. Reminds me somewhat of Germaine Greer's The Female Eunuch, where a lot of the ire is against women too, somewhat surprisingly.I learn so much from you! Looked her up as well as the book, also the word quotidien. Definitely have to think about "meddle and pry."
I like the mix of quotidien details (shopping etc.) with the more poetic elements in the first. Feel a bit lost with it too, wanting a bit more explanation. Again the old title, perhaps just shortened to the singular, might help, might even be enough. Also wonder if there are some unnecessarily confusing phrases, e.g. forgot to put on my gloves so I could weed might go down more easily as forgot to put on my gloves before weeding and I don't know what you mean by 'took me down'. Will work on this. :)

Well, I love the first up to blind, especially the end part of that:

amazing (shhh) it was
venom clear as water
vapour i was blind

After that, it feels to me like it's trailing off. The second is very neat (and could be called 'stepmother' too), though I've a sneaking feeling it could be improved with a little tweaking of line breaks. The third is perhaps you just playing about, but as such, I also like it a lot more at the start, where the imagery and word usage is much more playful and absurd. Especially like the use of 'pleather'.What a great ear you have...the first poem was based around "water vapour I was blind" and the third begain as a continuation of a haiku that I finished (from the haiku thread -used the last line here as this first) so by the time that poem ended I may've run low on steam. It was fun to try a new voice, though.

Interestingly, when rereading the second poem (had e-mailed it to a friend), I couldn't "hear" it in the same rhythm that I had when writing and first reading it - new experience - will definitely look at improving the line breaks.

Oh gosh, it's just so nice to write again. And also to get your very constructive criticism! I think it's been the most helpful here, to be honest.

Thanks, blp. Thank you again, spally.

oh, and spally, yes - your intuition was correct. :)

[blp]

Yes, well it's good to see you back at it too. :)