Experiment in original form

[Orual]

I suppose I should preface this by saying that I am a beginning poet. I really have no idea what I'm doing and probably have no business making up poetic forms when I can hardly say what I mean in plain writing. Nonetheless, I decided to try something new, and I'm curious to see what people think. I won't explain the form (yet) since it doesn't matter if the message fails, but I know an inherent weaknesses is the over repetition. I'm just curious to know what a critical audience thinks.

It Seems I Always Come This Far

It always seems I come this far to slip.

A day undoes a month of walls;
Moments cause my blocks to fall.

Or ever did I want to walk this way?
Ransom my pride for trinkets to display?
Unless I fix this mess today…
A day undoes a month of walls.
Like death to self, this pride will fall.

To one’s own self be true, I hear,
Have I a self to thus adhere?
Even now, I hate the mirror.

Ransom my pride for trinkets to display?
Unless I fix this mess today…
It always seems I come this far to slip
Notice I cannot right this ship
Or ever did I want to walk this way?
Unless I fix this mess today…
Someone free my tenacious grip

For a hollow heart so full of halls,
A day undoes a month of walls.
Cool eyes meet my gaze still clear;
Even now, I hate the mirror.

It always seems I come this far to slip.
Someone free my tenacious grip.

Moments cause my blocks to fall.
It always seems I come this far to slip.
Notice I cannot right this ship.
Even now, I hate the mirror.

Beauty isn’t all, my dear.
Unless I fix this mess today…
To one’s own self be true, I hear,

It always seems I come this far to slip.

Which way to the fashion mall?
It always seems I come this far to slip.
Like death to self, this pride will fall,
Like death to self, this pride will fall.

Beauty isn’t all, my dear.
Even now, I hate the mirror.

Ransom my pride for trinkets to display?
Even now, I hate the mirror.
Don’t say it is as it appears.
Even now, I hate the mirror.
Even now, I hate the mirror.
Moments cause my blocks to fall
Even now, I hate the mirror.
Don’t say it is as it appears.

(It is rather long. Sorry if you were bored halfway through. *bashfulness*)

[Pendragon]

Good rhythm. Almost hear the drumbeat! It's unusual, and I liked it. One question. Is there a certain pattern that you used for your repeated lines, in case others should try to write to your "form"? I do reversibles (see current form poetry contest), and it's a form that as far as I know, I invented. Good job! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif

[Orual]

The poem is an acrostic, so the lines are repeated as often as the letter reoccurs within the acrostic. (If that makes sense). ,

[dyingflame]

did you invent the form?

[Orual]

Yes, I did.

[Pendragon]

The poem is an acrostic, so the lines are repeated as often as the letter reoccurs within the acrostic. (If that makes sense). ,
Ah, I see it now. I was too caught up in the rythum of the poem to notice before. Very nice job! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif The repeating lines disguise the acrostic format, a nice touch. One would just have to be careful in choosing the wording of the lines that must repeat as in a villainelle. Clever!

[vhaney]

Wow Orual, I like the form as well as the content. Like Pen says, nice rythym. The acrostic as well as the content are powerful. In reading it over I see that each line stands on it's own without help but the different groupings necessitated by the acrostic form cause a tripping/falling/catching yourself feeling. Nice piece. Will you be doing more?

[Orual]

I've tried another poem of the form I made up, if anyone would like to critique. I like that this one isn't quite as repetative, but it seems a little weaker than the first. You be the judge.

Live

I said that I would die for you.

“Live,” you softly said to me.
Of all there is, it’s this I see:
Vermillion stains across my door;
Ever settling the score.

You ever ask my life of me,
Of all there is, it’s this I see:
Under your love, my life I owe.

Can life be sold so willingly?
Of all there is, it’s this I see:
Under your love, my life I owe.
“Live,” you softly said to me.
Draw me to eternity.

Near a hill called Calvary
Of all there is, it’s this I see:
The blood you shed, you shed for me

Behold the side where water pours
Ever settling the score.

Silence still has sway of me;
A life surrendered only free
I said that I would die for you.
Draw me to eternity.

A life surrendered only free

Behold the side where water pours
Ever settling the score.
The blood you shed, you shed for me
The blood you shed, you shed for me
Ever settling the score.
Rights were mine, but make them yours

Why act like death’s worth something more?
A life surrendered only free
You ever ask my life of me.