--A Practice Poem-- A NEW style (Please Read)

[Adolescent09]

............

[blp]

'devoid' has to be followed by 'of'. It's a bit silly, I admit, but there it is.

A few other spelling mistakes too. Cheak, cheek. Warior, warrior. Do you write in 'Word'? I'd have thought it would catch most of them.

Not one of your best in my view, A, and the militaristic subject matter is not to my taste, to put it mildly.

[Adolescent09]

Woops, I wrote it at midnight last night... I see all the spelling mistakes now. Thanks for your input, blp.

[Adolescent09]

Can I get any more comments on this briefly edited version in my first post?

[SleepyWitch]

not bad. original use of language...
will have to think about it to give you more detailed feedback

[Pendragon]

it's not too bad 'Dole, but I confess I fail to see the "tweak" http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Bagpiper.gif

[Adolescent09]

it's not too bad 'Dole, but I confess I fail to see the "tweak" http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Bagpiper.gif

Oh--erm.. I thought I changed the words around a bit. I thought it might sound better and give the poem a novel edge. Guess it didn't...:(

[kandaurov]

Like a lot of people have been telling you quite rightly, you can do wonders with the english language. I've been coming to regard you as being a precocious and most promising writer.

This poem reflects what I have just said in a very eloquent way. I must admit that at least a dozen words I have never heard of, which makes me feel a bit ignorant, being in a literature course and all. However, I don't think that three dazzling words in every line makes a good poem.

You have an enormous ability as far as language is concerned, and it is absolutely natural that you are exploring it, and seeing how far you can go. A wonderful, and essential, exercise. In decades from now, however, you will find out how precious simplicity can be sometimes.

I understand that these words that you use add up to the momentum of the rhythm, and give an epic tone to it, and that you are fond of that. This is only a piece of advice, which you need not follow, but do at least give it a thought. Moreover, this advice is free of charge ;)

As for the rest, the theme was okay (sure, war can have its fascinating side, but I've come to regard war as something to chant about more like a yesterday reality), and the pace was very good, I am yet to write a good pacey poem.

With such maturity at such early age, I am positive you have potential to be grand, if you are indeed able to see criticism not as a way to pull you down, rather as a way to extend your horizons.

I hope my criticism was constructive, and helpful somehow to you. I also hope you do not read it as if bearing a condescending tone, heck, what do I know? I'm just trying to help you, as I sure like being helped.

Best of luck with the next poems!

[HannibalBarca]

here's my piece of literature for ya- Life is like the ocean, you keep sinking until your head explodes from the pressure.

[Adolescent09]

Like a lot of people have been telling you quite rightly, you can do wonders with the english language. I've been coming to regard you as being a precocious and most promising writer.

This poem reflects what I have just said in a very eloquent way. I must admit that at least a dozen words I have never heard of, which makes me feel a bit ignorant, being in a literature course and all. However, I don't think that three dazzling words in every line makes a good poem.

You have an enormous ability as far as language is concerned, and it is absolutely natural that you are exploring it, and seeing how far you can go. A wonderful, and essential, exercise. In decades from now, however, you will find out how precious simplicity can be sometimes.

I understand that these words that you use add up to the momentum of the rhythm, and give an epic tone to it, and that you are fond of that. This is only a piece of advice, which you need not follow, but do at least give it a thought. Moreover, this advice is free of charge ;)

As for the rest, the theme was okay (sure, war can have its fascinating side, but I've come to regard war as something to chant about more like a yesterday reality), and the pace was very good, I am yet to write a good pacey poem.

With such maturity at such early age, I am positive you have potential to be grand, if you are indeed able to see criticism not as a way to pull you down, rather as a way to extend your horizons.

I hope my criticism was constructive, and helpful somehow to you. I also hope you do not read it as if bearing a condescending tone, heck, what do I know? I'm just trying to help you, as I sure like being helped.

Best of luck with the next poems!

Thank you so much Kandarouv! I swear, that has to be the longest review anyone has ever given me for my poems and I am honored :). I agree with you so much that simplicity can work wonders that eloquency can never achieve... and sometimes vice versa. Sometimes I am a bit pretentious I agree... But don't ever think I don't like negative comments or reviews. I admire and respect them. I admire them when they are very true such as yours, and I respect them when they don't appear so true, but that the person actually took time to reply to my poem... since very few people ever have any time for me at all.

I thank you again for reviewing my poem :)

[jon1jt]

A new style you didn't reach, far from it, but i like your boldness to probe a new poetic frontier. i just got the sense that you're striving to keep the reader 'too' informed line by line.

quick example:
Many make the line,
Though the line is one,
to altercate and die,

thanks for telling me about the line, not showing me the line. the rhyme needs some bounce too, the poem an edge, something to temper the linear, predictable feel.

[Adolescent09]

I get what you mean jon.. I'm really working on it. I agree, that I'm putting too much thought into each line. I think I need to get it simpler... more understandable.. yet still profound. Thanks for replying, jon.

[jon1jt]

I get what you mean jon.. I'm really working on it. I agree, that I'm putting too much thought into each line. I think I need to get it simpler... more understandable.. yet still profound. Thanks for replying, jon.

no problem, my pleasure adolescent. you might consider getting rid of some of the commas to free up the flow some. you can do without them after: strings, goes, due, stiff, one, die, warrior.

hope this helps.