"Her ankles move"

[Il Penseroso]

I just wanted to get some feedback on whether or not this works for people. Any comments?


Her ankles move
like tufts of string,
a rhythm unravels
as she steps.

The dress defies
its frame of threads,
a gown painted,
chromatic shards
drip beauty like
a morning petal.

And her fingers
dissolve the colors,
sweep each ray
like curling waves,
spreading to fill
the yawning moon.

[blp]

Well....I do think it's pretty decently done, but to be honest, no, it doesn't totally work for me. Biggest problem is the use of a simile in each stanza: the repeated likes get monotonous. And I have no idea what it's driving at. The comparison with tufts of string seems absurd. The rest seems to be a normal kind of poetic paean to a woman's beauty except that the middle stanza is about her dress, not her. Am I missing something?

[Il Penseroso]

No, not really, it is a simple poem not packed with intense depth.

I basically just wanted to see if the imagery worked, particularly the 'tufts of string', which I figured would seem absurd but that I thought might (hopefully) carry some weight with the reader when contrasted with the strict threading of the dress. It's meant to conjure some reflection on how an inanimate object can obtain life under the right conditions (normal paen type subject).

And the overuse of 'like' I've noticed before to be a plagueing habit of mine. I'll have to work on that.

Thanks for the thoughts.

[Adolescent09]

Gee, I thought it was going wonderfully. What I can't seem to understand is why you stopped it so abruptly? 2-3 stanzas (with a good conclusion) would have made this a masterpiece, even though it's pretty good as it is.. I just believe it's in need of proper closure. Nice stuff.

[Virgil]

I'm not bothered by the repetition of "like". If it was like that in every poem, then I could see how one would tire of it. I liked the middle stanza very much. That one is a keeper:

The dress defies
its frame of threads,
a gown painted,
chromatic shards
drip beauty like
a morning petal.
Very nice.

I think you do have to be careful with you similies, though. I really cannot picture how this could be possible: "Her ankles move/like tufts of string". But if you the author can visualize it then stick with it. Otherwise i think you're striving for intense language without being grounded in reality.

[blp]

I must say, I'm coming 'round to those tufts of string. Still not sure if you're doing them justice with the rest, but the absurdity's good.

[Il Penseroso]

Adol,
I'm glad you liked it. As for length, I should probably work on that, maybe not in this poem (I tend to lose momentum over time, I'm a terrible editor) but for future use. When writing I often feel rushed to supply a finish. I don't like to stuff it with filler, but some elaboration is often necessary.

blp,
The first bit's my favorite part too, it was a line that came rather spontaneously (while staring at the contest picture) that I felt I had to attach a 'whole' poem to once I got it out.

Virgil,
Thanks for the thoughts, I'll definately try to be more aware of how some of my similes relate to external reality. This one's more of a personal impression (reality to me) I tried to convey.


Very much help guys, food for thought and deliberation for next time.

[jon1jt]

i think it's a nice little poem, actually.

i agree with the double simile issue, which is easily resolvable. get rid of the last one. here's a couple suggestions without losing any meaning:

sweep each ray's
curling waves,

or,

sweep each ray,
as curling waves
spread...

i would change spreading to spread, given
yawning follows in the next line. sounds too
drawn as it is.

or just get rid of 'like' altogether.

hope this helps some.