I need constructive critism in some of my poems

[Bakiryu]

Here i hold your heart in my hands
you cannot begin to undertand
why we are such glamorous poems
idolized by the ignorant masses
worshiped by the foolish few
abhorred by the many

all to be abolished
in the turn of words
all to be created by the rustling ink
on pages the soft white of a crescent moon

I hold your heart on my hands
(beating, thuding, thumping madness)
pyrogenesis of truth
and i wish i knew

Stardust

Oh look,
how softly we have fallen
like tiny motes of silver dust

an eternity
of frozen perfection
we became what we most feared.


Loner

A frozen heart beats
ever so softly
I can never hear
the words

cold lines of burning poetry
you steal my heart
with pen and brush

true, I've never been among the fallen
so proud,
the tears that now fall

reality is the sharp brush
on knife of skin
a last rustling breath
a whisper of shadows

existing
like a captured dancer
madly gyrating amid a thousand threads.


the words you speak are forever true
and everything i say is a lie
a world of bruises upon skin
a unniverse of pain in my eyes

dominated by realism
by things i should never know
inside a world of sadism

pain begins with love.


The pale ember dream of butterflies
captured pages
soft crinckling letters

rusted ink
revels whitin
these markings on my arms
how can you hope to understand?

why we do the things we do?
i would tell you if i knew
but instead i write it all over
wrists and arms

don't worry
it's ok
this knife
leaves no scars....

[jon1jt]

in "loner," i'd like you to show me 'reality' and sadism.' and i'm not convinced about that "frozen heart." and this line could use more thought:

reality
is the realization

[dyingflame]

You are interesting; keep up the good work- I feel potential in your work.


These images really caught my eye-

"I like to be created by the rustling ink
on pages the soft white of a crescent moon"

(I would write creamy instead of crescent here, dunno why, though the image is good)

"how softly we have fallen
like tiny motes of silver dust"

I like the power and influence of your subtle images- if you could build upon the potential of these images and expand on them to give them context in the poem instead of being bogged down, it would be a step foward towards a more mature verse/expression (always imo)- in fact this reminded me of something of Virgina Woolf...in "the waves" where Bernard thinks/says "bit by bit we are crumbling away.."

"an eternity
of frozen perfection
we became what we most feared."

the eternity of frozen perfection seems to have oxymoron qualities but how is it linked to the next verse? You need to think on this.

"cold lines of burning poetry
you steal my heart
with pen and brush"

the use of the oxymoron is fine; but an original one should be better (fire and ice are common enemies aren't they?)


"a world of bruises upon skin
a universe of pain in my eyes"

I seem to perceive a link in my mind's eye of colour-image extension: the velvet deep colour of deep space and the livid black eye seem to reflect each other in colour


The rest of the poems I did not quote because, personally, they left no real impact on me. Again, I like your use of images- keep writing. You can only get better and better

[Bakiryu]

what about this:

Stardust

Oh look
how softly we have fallen
like tiny motes of silver dust

crumbling away into an eternity
of frozen perfection
a river of equality

destroying rebellion and independence
the songs we quoted
the colors we wore

washed away into a grey unniverse
of beige halls
with no trace of others

like stardust caught
in a burning sunray
only to disspapear
into the unknown


Loner

The rythim beat
of a heart caught forever in ice
I can never hear the words
they're on your mind

and down into the page
blazing brightly
screaming flame
falling snow

frozen lines of burning poetry
you steal my heart
with pen and brush
lines upon skin

true, I've never been among the fallen
so proud,
the tears that now fall
bitter rain


reality,
like a slap upon the face
is the realization
that everything and nothing is ours
and we can never have what we most want.

[dyingflame]

definitely better :) you're on the right track

[Bakiryu]

thankee. (um, i don't think your link works, i clicked on it and all i got was a search page)

[genoveva]

reality,
like a slap upon the face
is the realization


too cliche- can you come up with an original, specific simile?

[dyingflame]

um...it was working..now its not! :S try clicking on this one instead: http://dyingflame.blog.com/

[Bakiryu]

um,

Reality
like a dancer
girating amind a thousand threads (?)

*****************************8

dyingflame, I saw yous. You look like a little kid *laughts*. Nice poetry thought.

[dyingflame]

And was that your impression before seeing that pic? which is, btw 3 years old now, but I can't figure how to change it; still, I'm comparatively young at 18 ..
Your reality simile is better now; but you need, imo, to be more specific- what do you want to say? do you merely want to convey an image? previous to comparing reality to a graceful dancer you said it was "a slap on the face." Sometimes in poetry it pays to have more focus, and direct your attention to the cohesive feel of the images so that ATMOSPHERE is conveyed

[Bakiryu]

Poetry shouldn't be thought that much, like a butterfly it should just emerge. that's the way masterpieces are written.
(I'M STILL YOUNGER THAN YOU. HA!)

[Pendragon]

Here: Something for which to watch out: misspellings

You wrote:

Reality
like a dancer
girating amind a thousand threads (?)

Corrected:

Reality
like a dancer
gyrating amid a thousand threads (?)

This image still doesn't grab me like the rest of your poem, which I find hauntingly beautiful. I dislike suggesting lines, because it is another person’s work. I do have a suggestion however. You work it if you wish until it becomes original. You have been contrasting fire and ice. So, try this:

Reality—
Like flames frozen
In a moment of unmoving time

See if you can improve on that and make it your own, since it comes from your comparison.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Bravo.gif

Pen

[dyingflame]

"Poetry shouldn't be thought that much, like a butterfly it should just emerge. that's the way masterpieces are written."


hey bakiryu. Well a year ago I would have agreed with your statement a hundred percent; now I think a little planning sometimes helps the poem- though it's not always the case. You may be younger than me but you've got potential I think, age is not a factor here. BTW I'm still trying to change the blog.com pic heh!

[Bakiryu]

I found this new website: allpoetry.com and posted some of my stuff. Anyone who wants can check it out. My name is still Bakiryu. (also, i changed the poems on my first post and added some new. enjoy.)

[dyingflame]

you've got quite some good stuff there, wow. Even the editing is cute. Well done. I signed up as well though it's not the same as litnet and I don't even know how to edit pages! LOL

[Bakiryu]

Editing pages 's easy. I'll help you if you want. Thank you for your comment *smiles*.

[dyingflame]

oh i think I figured it out thanks for your comment as well

[Bakiryu]

cool. nice poems by the way.

[Bakiryu]

Ooooh, 'tis is so old. Kawaii!

[AuntShecky]

I was thrown off a bit by the unusual spellings and wondered if they were intentional and if so, why?
Secondly, I truly wish you would capitalize the first person singular.
Your little piece titled "Stardust" is nice, but when you use
a title already used for a well-known work (which is, by the
way, perfectly legal) -- readers will automatically start making comparisons, in this case, with Hoagy Carmichael and Mitchell Parish.

[Bakiryu]

I was thrown off a bit by the unusual spellings and wondered if they were intentional and if so, why?
Secondly, I truly wish you would capitalize the first person singular.
Your little piece titled "Stardust" is nice, but when you use
a title already used for a well-known work (which is, by the
way, perfectly legal) -- readers will automatically start making comparisons, in this case, with Hoagy Carmichael and Mitchell Parish.

Unusual spelling? where? and the first person singular is? I don't even know those people! :bawling: english is not my first language!