One of my poems: pretty please tell me what you think

[Bakiryu]

Rose

I looked at you in the pale embers
of what used to be
forever lost
while voices murmured of your innocence
and what not.

The lies became true on your mind
while I was forever cold
You asked me question
Answers unsaid
And then handed me this rose

Now
One by one
the petals have fallen
slowly softly
without sound

I stand here where you left me
they're dust on the floor
a rose frozen forever in youth
white petals soft

Thinking there was still time
I closed my hand
over that poor, lonely rose

A single red drop falls
My blood
love still has thorns.

So?

[Pendragon]

Rose

I looked at you in the pale embers
of what used to be
forever lost
while voices murmured of your innocence
and what not.

The lies became true on your mind
while I was forever cold
You asked me question
Answers unsaid
And then handed me this rose

Now
One by one
the petals have fallen
slowly softly
without sound

I stand here where you left me
they're dust on the floor
a rose frozen forever in youth
white petals soft

Thinking there was still time
I closed my hand
over that poor, lonely rose

A single red drop falls
My blood
love still has thorns.

So?It is good, very touching really. I would move the lines I've highlighed up to the last stanza and end on "love still has thorns..." dropping "So?"
Just an idea.

Pen

[Bakiryu]

Thank you.

(um, the word so?, isn't part of the poem. I was merely using it to ask people their thoughts on it).

I'll try changing the words around a bit.

[dyingflame]

ok; the images are dealt with in a striking and interesting way by you; but they have been used many times imo.. i mean this whole rose metaphor sometimes seems stale to me..

[Bakiryu]

So I should change the flower?

I always thoguth white roses beautiful, maybe I'm just giving new imagery to an old, old thing.

I'll try rewriting that with lilies instead and see how it sounds.

[dyingflame]

no; I said that you tackled the images in a striking, innovative way- the poem is fresh. But I disagree with just choosing a subject without any relevance; that only introduces emptiness in the poem- the subject here is the rose; and its YOUR choice, so it must be relevant. I.e rewriting the poem with a changed subject would be wronged in my opinion. I was merely commenting on how the rose has taken upon it certain contrived metaphorical meanings from countless generations usage of it as a symbol/image

[Bakiryu]

true, the whole rose thing seems a bit old, buti would like to introduce newness to it, refresh the subject a bit with new imagery.

I tried to write the poem with a white rose thought, since red ones seem so overplayed.