PDA

View Full Version : My short story: Just a few minutes



optimisticnad
04-05-2007, 03:11 PM
Uhhhh..........

:lol:

I have to submit a portfolio of poems and short stories for one of my modules.

Below is something I've written that I'm considering including in the portfolio.

Any feedback will be great. Are my tenses ok?!

I know it is rather long so thank you for taking the time to read it. As Logos

said, everyone want their stuff read!



Just a few minutes


Burt Madison suddenly sat upright early that morning. He looked to his right.

He rubbed his eyes and looked at their square clock on her small pine coloured

table. The small black hand with a green line in the middle was at the number

five. But there was a lot of sunlight in the room. Burt looked a second time

and realised there was no ticking sound. He looked at his wife. He couldn’t tell

if she was breathing. Her body wasn’t rising and falling. He waited for some

movement, some noise. Nothing. Finally, with trembling hands Burt reached

over and pushed her gently on her shoulder.

‘I’m not dead yet.’ She said. She turned to face him. ‘So don’t go claiming the

insurance just yet.’

You shouldn’t make jokes like that.’ He said. He slid back underneath the

covers and rested his head on the corner of her pillow.

‘What time is it?’

‘Don’t know.’ He said. He raised his head a little to see if he could hear

anything. Some cars drove past, then a bus and he heard few voices. ‘Yeah

right’ some girl shouted. ‘Nah man, I’m serious.’ Another voice said. Then the

voices merged into one and nothing distinct could be heard, just some chatter

and a few unmistakable swear words.

‘School time?’ He suggested.

‘Mmmm.’ She murmured and snuggled up against him. She entwined her bony

legs with his, her big toe rubbing up and down against the front of his feet.

Her feet were cold.

‘I told you to wear socks to bed.’

‘It’s not comfortable. It makes me itch.’

‘I’ll go make breakfast. What would you like?’

‘Oh no, I’m not hungry.’

‘You have to eat.’ He said. He slid out of their bed and slipped into a woolly

jumper and black formal trousers.

‘Burt?’

‘Yeah?’ He sat on the edge of the bed and put his black socks on, first the

left feet, pausing a little to look at her and then moved on to his right feet.

‘I have such thoughts, I have such strange thoughts’

He didn’t say anything. Perhaps he hadn’t heard. So she repeated it. ‘I have

such thoughts.’

‘Try not to think so much.’ He advised. He didn’t want to encourage her so he

didn’t ask what about. He stood up, smoothed out the creases on his trousers

and walked to the door. He paused before he opened the door. ‘About what?’

He had his back to her. He noticed a thin crack at the top of the door.

‘Oh you know’ She sighed. He heard the rustling of sheets and the springiness

of the mattress. ‘What will you do? You have to move into a smaller house - ‘

‘No, no. Don’t you worry about that.’

‘But you won’t manage on your own. The mortgage, the bills-‘

‘I’ll do just fine. Don’t you worry about that.’ He interrupted again.

‘But…But Burt – now that you don’t have a job, well it makes sense to – to–’

Her voice drifted off.

He turned round on his heels and walked back to her slowly. He bent over and

took her small hand. ‘Listen honey, I’ll have a job in no time.’ He said. ‘I have

decades of experience.’ He carried on. ‘They made a mistake Eleanor, that’s

all. They just wanted to give that young lad a chance to get his foot on the

ladder. That’s all.’

‘But Burt, they let you go. And he – he got that promotion you should have

had. After years of slaving away for them - ’

‘Listen Eleanor, don’t worry about me okay? Especially about money. Now that

I have my fancy degree they’ll be queuing up outside for me. Okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Now what do you want?’

She thought for a moment. ‘I feel like cereal. And tea please. With milk.’

‘Coming right up.’ He said.




‘Do stop tidying.’ Eleanor moaned. Burt was folding their clothes and placing

them neatly in their large wardrobe. ‘Read to me.’

‘One moment.’ He picked up his black shiny shoes and placed them on their

white shoe rack next to the wardrobe. She handed him her heavy book as he

sat next to her on their bed. He took out her orange bookmark from

Waterstones, it said ‘I have never found any distress that an hour’s reading

did not relieve’ followed by a name in white capital letters: Baron de

Montesquieu.

‘Chapter ex vee’ He said.

‘Fifteen. When will you learn your roman numerals?’ She laughed.

‘Shhh. Only a few chapters to go.’ He said. He took a deep breath and read:

‘The discomposure of spirits, which this extraordinary visit threw Elizabeth

into, could not be easily overcome; nor could she for many learn –‘ He

paused. ‘Nor could she for many hours, learn to think of it less than

incessantly. Lady Catherine it appeared, had actually taken the trouble –‘

‘You forgot the biscuits.’

‘What?’ Burt looked up from the book. She had her favourite white mug in her

hand. ‘To the world’s best wife, from the world’s greatest liar’ was written on

the mug in bright rainbow colours.

‘My digestive biscuits.’

He looked at their green tray. ‘Slipped my mind. I’ll just go get them.’ He took

her mug out of her hand.

‘Never mind.’ She said.

‘Don’t worry. It’s no hassle.’

‘No, don’t worry about it.’ She said. ‘I don’t want you to leave me.’ She held

onto his hand.

‘I’m not leaving you.’ He said. He stood up. She let go. ‘I’m just going

downstairs.’

‘Be quick.’

‘I’ll be just a few minutes.’ He said. He stroked back her hair and gathered it

all together in one long string in his hands.



He found her digestive biscuits, half eaten, in their biscuit tin. He noticed his

dirty mug on their dining table, quickly washed it, rubbing hard on the coffee

stain at the top of the mug and left it on the side of their sink. He picked up

their hand towel from the floor, folded it and placed it on their towel rack. He

noticed some threads had been pulled from the front of his woolly jumper. He

flattened the threads a little and picked out some yellow strings of his jumper.

Burt opened the cabinet on his right and moved his Shredded Wheat cereal

box to check if Eleanor’s unused kitchen knife was still there.

Yesterday he’d checked only eighteen times.

Burt picked up her half eaten biscuit packet and walked back upstairs. She

was kneeling against their headboard. Her head titled to a side away from

him, her arms spread out and her shoulders drooping. Her hair had formed one

long yellow string and it was wrapped around her throat three times.

He placed her half eaten digestive biscuit packet on their green tray. A tea

stain had formed on it. She didn’t move. ‘Ha ha. Stop joking, It’s not funny.’

He said, half angry. He walked to the opposite side of the room, the side she

was facing. She wasn’t blinking. Both here eyes were wide and her lips a little

parted. Burt waited patiently for a few minutes. He was breathing hard. His

palms felt moist.

He walked towards her and waved his right hand in front of her eyes. Still she

didn’t blink. He touched her hand, not cold but not as warm as before. Burt

tried to say something but his throat became tight. He ran back to the pine

coloured table, picked up the biscuit packet from the green tray and ran back

downstairs, almost tripping on the bottom stairs as it curved in.

He found the dirty mug he had washed only minutes a go, poured coffee in it,

poured it out of the mug in the sink. A faint black coffee stain had formed in

the white mug. He placed it on the dining table, exactly where he had found it

before. He pulled out the hand towel from the towel rack, scrunched it up a

little and dropped it back on the floor, exactly where he had found it before.

Burt opened the cabinet on his right, moved the cereal box back into where it

was before he’d moved it to check on the knife. He picked up the half eaten

biscuit packet and walked upstairs. She was still kneeling against the

headboard. He walked to the bed, tucked the thick layers of sheet around

her, turned her head until she was facing him. He stroked her head but didn’t

untangle her hair. He picked up the book again. Only a few chapters

left, he thought. Oh god, she would never know, he thought. We

didn’t finish the book. He opened the book. She would never know Darcy

and Elizabeth live happily ever after, he thought, I should have read the

book first. He cried, loud deep sobs wrenched out of him uncontrollably. Page

341 became wet. The paper went soft. He sobbed louder, wiping his tears and

his nose with the left sleeve of the woolly jumper. The more he thought that

Eleanor would never know the ending of the book the louder his sobs became.





She picked up the phone and dialled the number highlighted in green on the

call sheet. She looked at her book, Trainspotting, as the phone rang.

Someone picked up immediately.

‘Hello.’

‘Hi. Is this Burt Madison?’ She asked.

‘Yes.’

‘I just left you a message. I’m calling from the Careers Service of your old

university. We’re just contacting our recent graduates to find what they’ve

been doing since they graduated. Do you have time to answer a quick

survey?’

‘Sure. How long will it take?’ Burt Madison asked.

‘Just a few minutes.’ She said, tapping her pencil impatiently.

‘Sure.’

‘Ok. Thank you. Are you studying at the moment?’ She stopped tapping and

started drawing flowers on the corner of the call sheet.

‘No. I’m not studying.’

‘Are you working than?’

‘No. I’m not working.’ Burt replied.

‘So you’re not studying or working at the moment?’ She asked, thrilled that

she had no more questions to ask him. What a loser, she thought. Lazy bum.

‘Yes.’

‘Ok. Great. I mean thanks. Well best of luck, You can still use the careers

service here if you want.’ She signed and dated the form. And then placed it

on top of a pile in front of her.

‘Well, you see I’ve been busy.’ He said.

‘Hey, don’t worry about it. Have a nice eve-‘

‘Well, you see I was looking after my wife.’

‘Oh, is she not well?’ She asked. She looked at the name next on her list.

‘She was terminally ill. She had cancer.’

‘Oh I’m sorry.’ She said.

‘So that’s why I haven’t been doing anything, I was looking after my wife,

Eleanor Madison, until she died.’

‘I’m sorry about your loss.’ She said. She looked at her fingers, all dry and

skinny and cuts on them.

The boy next to her said ‘There’s tea on the table of you want some. And

digestive biscuits.’

‘Thank you.’ Burt said. ‘Oh my wife loved digestive biscuits.’

‘Did she?’ She asked. She looked at the table behind her, in the middle was

several mugs, all the same size and colour, green, and two packets of

digestive biscuits, one standing upright, the other flat on the table, open and

several biscuits peeping out of the packet.

‘Yes. Loved them. She enjoyed soaking them in her tea and just watching

them soften and break off. It drove me mad.’

She laughed. ‘Well, Mr Madison, I have to shoot off now. I’m sorry about your

loss. Best of luck for the future.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Bye.’ She said and hung up quickly.





Burt Madison put the phone down. The room was very dark except for the

faint light from the street lamp outside. It made a circle on the corner wall.

Burt felt Eleanor’s hand. It was cold now. He found gloves in the top shelf of

the wardrobe and put them on her hands. Two fingers went in the same

space. Not wanting to hurt her he separated each finger for its rightful space.

He was hungry and tired. He slid beneath the covers and held her. He placed

her smiling rosy little head on his shoulder. Her cheek once more blushed

bright beneath his burning kiss.




She found him leaning against the refrigerator when she got home, drinking a

can of beer. She stood at the doorway and watched him for a few minutes.

Then she placed the two white bags on the table and her keys on top of the

washing machine. ‘Been shopping?’ He asked. He threw the can, aiming for the

bin, but it hit the bin lid and dropped to the side of the bin. He didn’t pick it

up. He came up behind her and put his arms around her tightly. She pulled

away. ‘Fine. See if I care.’ He muttered. He started emptying the contents of

the white bags. Semi-skimmed milk, a pack of beer can marked ‘half price’,

hand cream, batteries, Heinz beans, brown sauce, mushrooms, facial wipes.

The second bag was full of digestive biscuits. ‘Why have you bought so many

digestive biscuits? Blimey, did you buy them all?’

She walked out of kitchen and threw her coat on the sofa in the living room.

He followed. ‘What’s the matter with you?’

‘Nothing.’ She said. She walked back to the kitchen, passing a large oval

mirror in the hallway. She looked at her reflection. Rough uneven hair, small

eyes and dark lines under her eyes. She walked back into the kitchen and put

the electric kettle on. He was stacking the biscuits in the cupboard. After a

few minutes the kettle started whistling and smoke began to come out of the

lips of the kettle. It made a clicking noise and the whistling stopped. She

poured the water into a mug slowly. ‘‘I spoke to this man who wasn’t doing

anything because he was looking after his terminally ill wife.’ She said to break

the silence. Behind her she heard another beer can hit the floor.

‘Your mother called. Lily sprained her ankle.’

‘It’s sad isn’t it’ She said. She put two Tetley tea bags into her tea and

moved them around with a tea spoon. She watched the colour come out.

‘‘She’s only sprained her ankle. Nothing to cry about.’ He said. She heard him

walk out of the room.

‘I meant the man.’ She took out one of the biscuit packets from the

cupboard, sat at the table with the packet and her mug. She opened the

biscuit packet and dipped the round light brown biscuit into her tea. She

looked up.

‘Oh well, what can you do. It’s life,’ He said. He was kneeling against the

door. ‘I think I’ll have a cup too.’ He walked to the sink and washed himself a

mug. She was on her fourth biscuit. She soaked each biscuit into her tea.

First half of it and watched it fall, then soaked the remaining half and waited

until the whole biscuit disappeared into the tea except the small little bit by

which she was holding the biscuit.

‘Nothing matters anymore. It doesn’t make any real difference.’ She said. She

sipped her tea. She heard the kettle whistle behind her and waited for the

same click sound. ‘We’ll all go one day. Everyone’s getting older.’ She took

another sip of her tea. ‘People around us will go but we’ll just carry on as

normal.’

‘Well, what else is there to do?’ He said.

Her mug was empty now except the thick pile of melted biscuits at the

bottom. ‘And we’ll have to go one day too. And it’ll be like we were never here

in the first place. You know what I mean? We’re here for just a few minutes. I

wish it’d slow down. In the end what have we got? I wish…’ She paused. ‘I

wish you’d say something.’ She heard something fall to the ground

behind her. He cursed. Then she heard a glass break. She looked at the green

and orange floor tile, small pieces of glass everywhere, stream of tea moving

slowly past her chair.

Things kept falling.





Burt Madison had put on the bedroom light but not drawn the thick cream

curtains. He waited patiently by her side. He felt numb. Burt Madison had cut

both his wrists, the left wrist first and then rather clumsily, like a

second-hand job, the right wrist. His last thought was ‘God-God, are you

listening?’ He said. ‘I’m coming and-and you-You’ve got a hell lot of explaining

to do. We-we didn’t finish the book. I didn’t mean to do it. I’m sorry if that’s

blasphemy’ and silently in his head he said ‘I don’t care,’ Burt Madison was

dead in just a few hours. That is how it happened.

manolia
04-05-2007, 04:05 PM
Very nice story. Very interesting and touching. I don't have anything more to add. You have talent.

kiz_paws
04-06-2007, 10:54 AM
Opti, I would definately include this work in your portfolio. It is a powerful story, and I would second the motion that you indeed have talent. Well done. :)

Madhuri
04-06-2007, 01:02 PM
Very nice story Opti. I remember you mentioning this incident, when you had to call the old students of your university and this guy had the same story, its taken from real life. I like it :)

optimisticnad
04-06-2007, 02:26 PM
:blush:

Thanks guys! Yep, its taken from 'real life' although I dont think the guy I spoke to killed himself! At least I hope not! I'm surprised I didn't write something 'funny'. Its so serious.

i know I can be rather...'fake mean' and feisty. is this why your all complimenting me? Hey i wont beat u up if u said something a little negative, its the only way to improve!


Rest assured my boxing days are over! I've put them away: -

http://www.rizcorp.biz/media/2640.gif

kiz_paws
04-06-2007, 03:49 PM
Your sentence structure is clean and tidy, very readable. I make this statement because often writers pour a little too much into the sentence structure, cluttering it (like this sentence, lol). Your sentences are to the point, clean and easy to follow.

Your use of dialogue was effective, it helped to get inside the characters (does that make sense, hope so).

And finally, the fact that Eleanor had being denied forever the ending of the book was magnificent -- that whole matter had me upset, for goodness sake, that's how well you wrote it. So yes, please put those boxing gloves away, and celebrate a job well done.

**hands a martini to Opti, a St.Valentine's Day Massacre martini, to be precise**

**cheers y'all!**

optimisticnad
04-07-2007, 08:33 AM
Your sentence structure is clean and tidy, very readable. I make this statement because often writers pour a little too much into the sentence structure, cluttering it (like this sentence, lol). Your sentences are to the point, clean and easy to follow.

Your use of dialogue was effective, it helped to get inside the characters (does that make sense, hope so).

And finally, the fact that Eleanor had being denied forever the ending of the book was magnificent -- that whole matter had me upset, for goodness sake, that's how well you wrote it. So yes, please put those boxing gloves away, and celebrate a job well done.

**hands a martini to Opti, a St.Valentine's Day Massacre martini, to be precise**

**cheers y'all!**

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

I'm sure Eleanor knows what happens at the end of 'Pride and Prejudice' but that feeling is just awful isn't it. I was trying make it symbolic of all the things she will never get to do.

Many thanks again.

x x x

MAXIM
04-10-2007, 04:44 AM
Dear Opti
I found your story very moving and very well written. I am seeing you in completely new light. After reading your story, I told my wife:'Some people write so well. Iam nowhere'. My Eleanor replied:' I am glad, you have realized this'. I have felt almost like deleting my love-story from this forum (Tell me, can it be done by clicking any keys). I have only now understood, why you have commented on my story: Very brave to put it up.

I have few suggestions, however:
You could have ended the sensitve story after Eleanor dies, adding a small para conveying the message which is contained in the subsequent paras. The other lady is not very sensitve when Burt tells to her about his wife but later talks phillosophically about death. May be you wanted to convey the 'finality of death and our fretting over petty, useless issues' message clearly to the readers.
Secondly, you should not have killed Burt for in real life too he did not commit suicide. Such fellows may loose will to live after the death and not last long after their partner's death but probabily they do not go and commit suicide.
English is beautifully summed up by kiz_paws. (There is one small grammer mistake somewhere, I have read your story between the lines).I can't comment on tenses, because my tenses itself need to be corrected.
Maxim:thumbs_up

Madhuri
04-10-2007, 05:10 AM
I have felt almost like deleting my love-story from this forum (Tell me, can it be done by clicking any keys). I have only now understood, why you have commented on my story: Very brave to put it up.


Why do you want to delete it? You posted your piece so that people could read, and give suggestions, which you can use to improve, right? You can use the ideas and re-write and post again. :)

amanda_isabel
04-10-2007, 05:27 AM
wow. nice one, opti..

keep writing!

MAXIM
04-10-2007, 08:17 AM
Why do you want to delete it? You posted your piece so that people could read, and give suggestions, which you can use to improve, right? You can use the ideas and re-write and post again. :)

Dear Maddie
Did it look that I was crying. I think I will also have to do something about my whacky sense of humor.
Maxim;)

Madhuri
04-11-2007, 02:20 AM
Crying?.....hmmmmm......maybe :p

Lets not make it a general thread, lets keep the discussion to Opti's story. :)

kandaurov
04-11-2007, 12:44 PM
Very well written indeed. Love the details in it!

It's funny how when I was reading the part when the survey takes place I though 'how on earth did she come up with that?'. While the girl was asking questions and all I thought 'And my!, such spot-on reactions, very natural! She must have been through an experience of the sort'. I know you are a great person, but it's only natural to have that kind of thoughts!

If you want my sincere and objective opinion, I only noticed two minor things that didn't convince me completely. One is accurately mentioned by MAXIM:


The other lady is not very sensitve when Burt tells to her about his wife but later talks phillosophically about death.

I can tell you're good at the 'stream of consciouness' thing, so if I were you I'd have explored a bit more the transition between indifference and aprehension. As for the boyfriend, his constant jumping from the careless lazy bloke to the relatively attentive boyfriend may be deliberate and isn't 'wrong' at all. It's just that I'd rather see his carelessness present in his tone, in the way he says things, so that he can be a more coherent character.

Apart from these things (which can't even be considered to be mistakes of any sort, rather natural differences in the approaching of the characters), your story grabbed my attention, which is a remarkable feat. I have very little patience to read stories not written by Penguin-worthy masters (shame on me, I know, I'm working on it), but this one got hold of my attention and never let go. Congratulations :)

Thinkerr
11-08-2007, 09:53 AM
Great Job! Very touching and sad. How long did it take you to write it? It took me more than 5 minutes to read it, so it probably took you longer to write it.

Gadget Girl
11-08-2007, 12:38 PM
Wow, I love it, opti! You did it so well. Congrats!