Oi! My love,

[BeerOclock]

Lord, my Lord

Just as many before--
This morning I was feverish with
Excitement:
I wanted to see you.

Your name was in my lips
Before nothing,
And I wished with passionate heart
To finally have the courage
To face you.
To talk to you.

So on I went,
And you were nowhere.
Oi! My love,
Your absence hurts my eyes,
And even if we are apart,
Like always, its only
Glorious to see you
From afar.

My ruined independence
Could be no more
Vain for me if you only
Look this way.
Oh! How I dream of you.

[blp]

Very good, especially at the very start. Initially I thought there was nothing wrong at all, though on further readings, I'm less and less interested in 'to finally have the courage to face you to talk to you', which seems to me to become rather prosaic. Also not mad about 'with passionate heart', which seems a little schmaltzy. 'Passionately' would be almost the same, rhythmically, but is still a bit dully obvious.

The whole thing recovers with 'So on I went and you were nowhere'. Not sure about the sense of 'only glorious to see you from afar'. Isn't it more a case of 'glorious enough to see you from afar'? 'Afar', again, is a little schmaltzy. I think people frequently fall into this kind of word usage because of the rhythms they're using and it's perfectly useful for early drafts, but it can be interesting to take this kind of thing and try to update the language without losing the rhythm. Plath's a good example of someone who uses very colloquial sounding language with immaculate poetic structure. Your title is something of a pointer in this direction.

I think you lose the beat at the end: 'If only you look this way' and the sense seems to demand, also, 'If only you would look this way'. The last line is rather dull. Why not add something specific, less general, e.g. Oh! How I dream of you with your...treacherous teeth, long fingers, sky blue eyeshadow etc. Not any of those, but you get the idea.

I'm being finicketty, anyhow, and subjective. It's good.