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Rogers_68
03-30-2007, 01:06 AM
Do Unto Others
By Justin Lamb

I hate realizing that I’ve been a jerk. Especially when I’ve been a jerk to my wife. Fortunately that’s only happened once. For being married nearly six years now, that’s an amazing record. Call Guinness and tell them I’m awesome.

And full of crap.

My wife is a goddess, both in appearance and in heart. She’s a mid-twenties mother, marketing manager, and avid watcher of all shows trashy and fake. (“Girls Next Door” and “Sweet 16” are two of her favorites.) She is great with our son, she sticks by her family without waiver and, most importantly, she puts up with me. Of all of her challenges in life that one wins the Dirtiest Job award. Call Mike Rowe and tell him to bring his camera crew.

To put it simply, I’m a basket case half the time. I have to talk through every little detail of an argument to make sure we’re still OK. Every couple of weeks I have an episode of frantic anxiety about who I am and where I am going. (My friend Eric has been known to help out with this occasionally. Now when it comes up he simply says, “Oh, Justin’s just on his period again.”) I often stay up way too late doing absolutely nothing of value and then spend the entire next day whining about how tired I am. As recently as yesterday I thought only of myself as I brought home pizza with mushrooms on it, assuming my wife had already eaten. She’s allergic to mushrooms and she hadn’t already eaten.

Nice work, Justin.

The last time I remember really screwing with her head was about a month ago. I was having my period again and couldn’t function normally to save my life. This time the problem was an inability to do anything thoughtful for her without a just reward. I think that’s what Jesus had in mind when he said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Justin, you are the exception.” (Quoted from my own personal Comfy Jesus. He does and says things the way I want him to, so as not to disturb my comfort in any way. Hence the name.)

One day I sulked for nearly 20 minutes after she didn’t thank me for the glass of water I had gotten up to get her. She was so consumed with keeping our two-year-old from putting our laptop in the sink full of water that it apparently “slipped her mind.” I swore it was on purpose.
Another day I got all bent because I swept the floors and put the dishes away before she got home from the gym and all she said to me was, “Thanks, Babe. I really appreciate it.” That’s it? I thought. I expected a huge smile and a great dinner, followed by some swanky saxophone music and an invitation to meet her up stairs in fifteen minutes. I couldn’t believe it. The next thing that happened put me over the top.

My wife got a call from an old aunt in Ohio informing her that her grandpa was dying. She stayed calm and tried to brace herself for the worst, while booking a plane ticket for that weekend. Coincidentally I was going to L.A. that weekend to see my sister. Soon came the question of what to do with our son. I told her I’d take him with me, full-aware that taking a toddler who still wears diapers and sits still for approximately thirteen seconds at a time on a plane ride would be no easy task. She made double- and triple-sure that I was serious, then said, “OK.”

My son is a good kid. He does nothing out of the ordinary for someone who is just under two years old. He gets restless and likes to pick the best possible times, like when we’re pacing in the back of a plane that we can’t get off of while the flight crew spends an hour figuring out a fuel problem, to pee through his clothing and onto mine. (I still don’t know how his diaper managed to get moved over enough so that it didn’t catch the urine but I suppose it’s a cool trick.) He listens well, though, and is easily entertained. The flight wasn’t restful but it wasn’t painful either.

My wife survived her grandpa’s passing and my son survived two long plane rides in as many days. I was a wreck.

I called her before my son and I got on the plane to come home. I went on and on about how I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way and how I felt bad about it and a bunch of other random crap that was wigging me out. She listened, patient as usual, then let me know what she thought.

“Well,” she began, “I’ve been as clear as I can be about appreciating you taking the boy with you. I needed that time for my grandpa. I feel like I’ve told you over and over that I appreciate all that you do and I don’t know how to say it any other way.”

The next day at work I was thinking about what she said. It was dawning on me, ever so slowly, what I had been doing wrong. On my lunch break I read the Psalm that says “His love endures forever” after every line, about twenty times in a row. The more I read it the more I began to realize what Real Jesus, the one who actually died for my sorry butt, was trying to tell me. The Psalm was making it clear that no matter how I treat God he loves me the same. Most of the time I give him far less credit than he is due and, unlike me, he actually deserves it. Realizing that I needed to shift from seeking my own glory to giving God his took a lot of pressure off of my wife.

Comfy Jesus, the one who tells me that I should do whatever I want as long as it’s good for me, didn’t like this one bit. (I frequently listen to him because he lets me be selfish and I like it.) Real Jesus was giving me a choice but he highly suggested the high road. “The payoff is much better in the end,” he said, “trust me.” He convinced me. I decided to let go of myself and move on. My wife is a goddess and she deserves the treatment of one.

I kissed her later and told her what she already knew – I was full of myself but it was time to move on. She was gracious about it, as usual. “It’s OK,” she said, “I still love you.” “Yeah?,” I said. “Good, then let us enjoy my sanity until my next round of madness comes again.”

Matt the Man
03-30-2007, 08:25 PM
Ugh...good for some kinda church thing, I guess. I disliked it, though...

The writing was good, and I really enjoyed the fluency of it.

Rogers_68
03-30-2007, 09:10 PM
First of all, I appreciate that you read it and commented on it. Although I'm not clear on whether or not you liked it, I appreciate the effort.

I do have some questions about your response, though.

First of all, it has nothing to do with church. I'm guessing that what you meant is that it refers to spiritual matters. Is that correct?

Second, does "good for some kinda church thing" mean that it is only good compared to other pieces that have to do with spiritual matters, as in, the category of "spiritual" subjects has its own standards that are different than those of "non-spiritual" subjects?

I'm not trying to be difficult, I just feel like I got two different responses from you. Can you clarify a little?

Matt the Man
03-30-2007, 10:55 PM
First of all, I appreciate that you read it and commented on it. Although I'm not clear on whether or not you liked it, I appreciate the effort.

I do have some questions about your response, though.

First of all, it has nothing to do with church. I'm guessing that what you meant is that it refers to spiritual matters. Is that correct?

Second, does "good for some kinda church thing" mean that it is only good compared to other pieces that have to do with spiritual matters, as in, the category of "spiritual" subjects has its own standards that are different than those of "non-spiritual" subjects?

I'm not trying to be difficult, I just feel like I got two different responses from you. Can you clarify a little?


I didn't like the subject, but the writing (fluency, vocabulary, etc.) was good. And by "churchy" I meant I think it would be good for some kind of...preaching-thing on a Sunday or whatever.

Adolescent09
03-30-2007, 11:05 PM
I would hardly call Matt the Man's reply to your short story a comment... It was more like a blatantly un-backed opinion. I will try my best (right now I'm a bit groggy headed and it is Friday night..) to present a proper critic on your piece, but don't take my comments and insinuations too seriously. I think we are both incrementally developing our writing styles even though you take a far varied approach towards provoking messages and thoughts through your characters than I do. I resort to lengthy descriptions on subtle physical details rather than first person narrative in order to set a "ground point" for my stories. For you, it is evident that you find a very strong stand point for the take off of your stories with excessive dialogue, curt minimal description, possible anecdotes and short droll, relatable action scenes. This one for example:
"The last time I remember really screwing with her head was about a month ago. I was having my period again and couldn’t function normally to save my life. This time the problem was an inability to do anything thoughtful for her without a just reward. I think that’s what Jesus had in mind when he said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Justin, you are the exception.” (Quoted from my own personal Comfy Jesus. He does and says things the way I want him to, so as not to disturb my comfort in any way. Hence the name.)"

I on the other hand have always believed that heavy description sets the tone for the style of writing that the rest of your narrative and story will incorporate. Eloquent description is as Emily Bronte would ominously put it: "A dark underlying sketch of your protagonist and characters". What your characters do and their designated actions appear far more predictable when you have a strong description... for example: "The blackened cloud of midday August etched an indellible deathly pigment in Fall's orange leaves"<----- This would be the descriptive sentance...

Then------>"Immersed in retrospect of her father's past made the days slowly numbered, and dark. Tears of fond remembrance glazed her yellow hair."

You see here how the description ties in (presumably) fitting with the protagonist? We or should I say you, as the reader doesn't even know anything of the girl or her father, her reminisence(sp?) or her father, but the descriptions makes these otherwise auspicious details, trivial.

I understand your style and must acknowledge I enjoyed some parts (mainly for their unique sense of humor), but I personally believe your story as a whole lacks in the description, which keeps me, as an avid reader and lover of the classics, pining for more details at times. Your dialogue is pretty neat, but maybe you should work on description?

I'll post an excerpt of my story sometime so perhaps you can give it your go of critique. I hope this helped :)

kiz_paws
03-31-2007, 02:50 AM
What I liked about your essay was the easy-to-read, clean style you use. You enable the reader to get inside the head of the protagonist rather nicely, Rogers_68. That is all that I wanted to say, thanks for sharing. :)

Rogers_68
03-31-2007, 08:22 AM
I didn't like the subject, but the writing (fluency, vocabulary, etc.) was good. And by "churchy" I meant I think it would be good for some kind of...preaching-thing on a Sunday or whatever.

Thanks for clarifying, Matt. I read over my first response to you and realized that it sounded almost sarcastic but I promise it wasn't. Again, I appreciate your effort even though the subject isn't appealing to you.

Rogers_68
03-31-2007, 08:23 AM
I'll post an excerpt of my story sometime so perhaps you can give it your go of critique. I hope this helped :)

Yes, please do. Thanks for giving me your thoughts.

Rogers_68
03-31-2007, 08:26 AM
What I liked about your essay was the easy-to-read, clean style you use. You enable the reader to get inside the head of the protagonist rather nicely, Rogers_68. That is all that I wanted to say, thanks for sharing. :)

Well thanks for reading/responding! :) The way you describe it is what I was going for. This one happens to be non-fiction (that's why I used the term "essay" as opposed to "story") and when I write such things I really try to make them brief and to-the-point. The first draft was very, very wordy and, I felt, boring. This one is closer to how I want to write.

Again, thanks everyone for taking the time to both read it and respond to it.

cuppajoe_9
04-01-2007, 01:13 AM
Speaking as an out-and-out atheist: Justin, that is a damn fine piece of writing. I have not read much that convincingly conveys the rhythms of natural speech in first person narrative, but this pulls it off very nicely. If you write fiction, I would love to see it done in the same style. It really allows the reader to get a feel for the character without having to read a paragraph equipped with a large neon light that says "Description of Character Here".

I don't think that there's any merit to complaints that the piece is preachy. I know when I'm being preached to, but if your intent was to give a moral exmple at all, you did it very unobtrusively.

There is, I think, something to Adolescent's comments about the lack of description. You could have done with a few more details about your son, for example. Anything lengthy would slow down the narrative, so I would suggest adding a few details in paragraph ten that are of the unexpected variety. Telling the reader that he acts up on airplane flights and picks the worst possible times to do hideously embarasing things doesn't us very much becaus all toddlers behave that way. If you were to tell us, for example, that your son insisted that you buy flowers for a nurse who attended to him when he was in the hospital with pnumonia and that he loves listening to B&#233;la Bartok, it would go a long way towards giving us an impression of his character. If you give just a few impressions like this, the reader's mind will fill in the rest of the fiddling little details.

Minor quibbles aside, it's a lovely piece of writing. I was left with the strong impression that I would very much like to have a beer with you some night, a difficult thing to accomplish in a thousand words.

Pensive
04-01-2007, 03:33 AM
What I liked about your essay was the easy-to-read, clean style you use. You enable the reader to get inside the head of the protagonist rather nicely, Rogers_68. That is all that I wanted to say, thanks for sharing. :)

I second this post through and through. :)

Rogers_68
04-01-2007, 09:23 AM
Minor quibbles aside, it's a lovely piece of writing. I was left with the strong impression that I would very much like to have a beer with you some night, a difficult thing to accomplish in a thousand words.

Well, thank you for the mixture of encouraging words and good criticism. Wonderful.

So do they have Redhook up there in Canada? Any good local brews where you're at?

cuppajoe_9
04-01-2007, 10:49 PM
I've never had a Redhook, I'm afraid, but the Big Rock Brewery in Calgary does wonderful things with hops. I usually drink Guinness when I can get it.

Rogers_68
04-01-2007, 11:48 PM
Mmm, Guinness. Clam chowder + cheese bread + Guinness = Happy Rogers_68