I wonder how many of you can comprehend this...

[PersistantMind]

This is something I wrote and I just have to know what other people think of it...



Malice, this illusion blinds your decaying thoughts of the journey sought to bring end to your hollow shell. Neglected by the feeding of your detestable mind with the glory of ignorance and shelter, fueling despair with thoughts of failure. Beyond our thoughts and insolence lies the warmth of salvation. Never heard nor tasted by the tongues of those infected with your virus that seeks to eradicate what we are and what we could become. Only a select few shall see indication of the horrors you have concocted enslaving the cognizance of the irreproachable. Though they will strive to nullify the affliction coerced upon us failure will be wrought upon us rather than salvation. This affliction conceived in the minds of the weak but powerful has taken hold and our last hope almost ceases to exist. Advancement of our minds is irrelevant, we are what they have built us to become and we shall remain slaves until the ignorance of a species dies and enlightenment floods our minds like a glorious torrent rushing to our salvation.

[Adolescent09]

This is something I wrote and I just have to know what other people think of it...



Malice, this illusion blinds your decaying thoughts of the journey sought to bring end to your hollow shell. Neglected by the feeding of your detestable mind with the glory of ignorance and shelter, fueling despair with thoughts of failure. Beyond our thoughts and insolence lies the warmth of salvation. Never heard nor tasted by the tongues of those infected with your virus that seeks to eradicate what we are and what we could become. Only a select few shall see indication of the horrors you have concocted enslaving the cognizance of the irreproachable. Though they will strive to nullify the affliction coerced upon us failure will be wrought upon us rather than salvation. This affliction conceived in the minds of the weak but powerful has taken hold and our last hope almost ceases to exist. Advancement of our minds is irrelevant, we are what they have built us to become and we shall remain slaves until the ignorance of a species dies and enlightenment floods our minds like a glorious torrent rushing to our salvation.

I can't say it isn't interesting although not exactly original... The first sentence left me in a daze although I understand all the vocabulary in it and the gist of the following paragraph. " Malice, this illusion blinds your decaying thoughts of the journey sought to bring end to your hollow shell." Thoughts of a journey sought to bring an end to your hollow shell is an illusion of malice?
Thoughts of a journey sought to bring and end to your hollow shell sounds like a call for love or want of acceptance. But these "thoughts" are decaying (though how or why, I don't know) and malice (which, to my mind means an inclination to assault someone) is the illusion which "blinds it"..... Perhaps you meant to convey a very powerful thought through that first sentence, but for me it falls short because I can't make any sense out of it.

The next sentence sounds fine...but then you go to "beyond our thoughts and insolence". Insolence? Does anything in the previous two sentences suggest rudeness? This is ambiguous. "Lies the warmth of salvation" practically nails the beginning point of your paragraph so that fits in quite well. The rest of the paragraph is vaguely understandable if not overly pretentious and although your vocabulary and perceptions are interesting, your selection of words does not augment your statements. I'd suggest you clarify it because the thought is there but the meaning falls short. It reminds me of the way I used to write two years ago.

Look how pretentious I was lol..:
My review for the movie, SE7EN
A succession of atrocities are perpetuated by a sacrosanct and ingenious yet lethal antagonist. These atrocities are associated with the seven sins: pride, envy, gluttony, lust, wrath, greed and sloth. By illustrating a stunning depiction of the seven sins in virulent, grotesque and disturbing scenes the serial murderer (Kevin Spacey) expounds his actions as a trivial facilitation towards the cleanliness of an already corrupted and evil society.

Intent on pursuing justice and alleviating their own curiosities, Detective Lt. William Somerset (who at first stipulates his leave after 20 years in the force) and David Mills (Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt)are presented with an array of misguided and inconclusive pieces, amalgamated by the killer himself. As the clues build further and further, Detective Lt. Somerset sustains a consistent methodical approach (although periodically vagued by a contradicting whim to retire) to the deciphering of these enigmas, but the impetuous David Mills aspires for instantaneous results. Finally, when both have practically given up hope for lost, the unexpected occurs, and an alarming twist of events which keeps the viewers on their seats unfold.

^^As you may see this paragraph is perhaps accurate in its points, yet convoluded in its wording. Always know in writing that the most important idea is to get your point through to the reader. Forget the wordy vocabulary and lengthy redundant explanatory lines. Always stick to making sure that people know what you are saying. Your writing has to cater to a contemporary audience, not Aristotle's pupils..

[Countess]

Many sentences are missing subjects, which causes confusion, and some sentences are actually phrases or clauses.

For me possessing an advanced vocabulary is not enough; literary brilliance is the ability to wield that vocabulary like a sword, slicing through material so that is clear while also inculcating it with a necessary number of adjectives and adverbs (much despised by contemporary authors) to connote intent and feeling.
Adolescent09's piece might be described as bombastic by some (but I happen to favor complexity over simplicity; it betrays intelligence and wit) but it's completely self-evident.

Go back and diagram all your sentences. It will help you.

C

[Captain Pike]

I confess that I am one who will be unable to comprehend it. Either it's simplicity is above my level of understanding, or, it is unnecessarily verbose, intentionally bombastic.

Truth is simple. Comprehension of life's authenticity is not a blessing reserved for the intellectual alone. As wielders of ink, our charter is to shine the light for all to see.

[PersistantMind]

lol....I know it does not make a lot of sense...that is why the title of the topic is "I wonder how many of you can comprehend this." I was simply laughing at my old writing mistakes to strike a conversation/break the ice with you all seeing that I am a new member on this site. Allow me to translate what I was attempting to say when I wrote it :lol: .

Malice(the intent to hurt or harm), this illusion blinds your decaying thoughts of the journey sought to bring end to your hollow shell. Is trying to say that this group of people are being blinded by their illusion of ending their misery towards their way of life with malice. The decaying thoughts refer to hopelessness of saving their way of life. So, they are covering up their hopelessness with malice.

Beyond our thoughts and insolence lies the warmth of salvation was supposed to be this-
Beyond you thoughts of insolence lies the warmth of salvation. Thoughts of insolence refers to them wanting to harm others.

Basically it was about a social group who are molding others into their lie of a life because they are sadistic and have lost hope in humanity.

[kiz_paws]

I confess that I am one who will be unable to comprehend it. Either it's simplicity is above my level of understanding, or, it is unnecessarily verbose, intentionally bombastic.

Truth is simple. Comprehension of life's authenticity is not a blessing reserved for the intellectual alone. As wielders of ink, our charter is to shine the light for all to see.

Wow, well said indeed, Captain Pike, a toast to you! **clinks glasses**

[Countess]

I have to ask Persistent Mind, have you been reading "Corpus Hermeticum"? Because what you wrote sounds alot like that...er...stuff. Yeah.

[PersistantMind]

Actually no, but I am about to if it has similar writings ;) . This was inspired by my friends and our discussions.

Also...I realize now that I have misspelled my user name lol. Apparently I am still having some grammar issues :)