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jeffro
03-17-2007, 11:34 PM
Murder in the Capitol City

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Hello everyone, I just recently signed up on this site. This is part one of my current story that I am writing. It is based in TES: Oblivion. (I hope that I am allowed to post this on this site.) I hope you enjoy the story and please leave any feedback. All suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

P.S. I posted this same thread in the General Writing section. I'm sorry if I broke rule by posting this twice. If an administrator reads this I would appreciate it if he/she would delete the one that was posted in General Writing section. Thanks!





Murder in the Capitol City

By: redsrock

Part One




“Drinks for everyone!!! It’s all on me!!!!”

The crowded inn erupted at the sweet sound of free drinks. Such a luxury was the least that we deserved after what happened today.

My name Cado. I am a miner working for the CMC, (Cyrodilic Mining Corporation). I am but only twenty years old, but the company has existed for nearly one hundred years. Ever since Cyrodiil was restored after the war with Valamine, many small companies have popped up all over the country. I was lucky enough to be part of the most talented mining team in all of Cyrodiil, and possibly Tamriel as well.

My parents had both been part of the mining company themselves, but they were killed when I was just a baby, so I do not many memories of them. But thankfully their passion for mining rubbed off on myself.

Boss Catius was in a particular cheerful mood today, ever since we hit the jackpot at a gold mine just a few miles southeast of the Imperial City, which is where our company was located.

For the past several months things had been going slow, and everyone has been down in the dumps because of this. Catius decided to buying us all meals at the Tiber Septim Hotel. This was rather generous, especially coming from him.

Now don’t get me wrong; we had always been a wealthy company, and one might think that meals like these were common, but actually that was not the case. Though Catius was a friendly person, he was extremely passive when it came to spending money. It is not that he was a greedy person, he just failed believe in spending money on unnecessary things, such as expensive dinners and things of that nature. His philosophy was that one should be able to have a meal without spending a fortune. He also did not believe in expensive clothing as well. In fact, he wore the same tan linens and the same brown shirt every day, accompanied by his leather boots. Of course he had several pairs of the same clothing, so he wasn’t wearing dirty clothes, thank Talos for that!!!

Although one who does not know who he is would probably mistake him for a poor person, simply for the way he looked. His gray hair went down to his shoulders, and it was very messy, because of the fact that he never combed his hair. He claimed that he did not have time for lavishes such as that. He even would sometimes go a couple of days without cleaning his teeth, which was very disgusting.

But other that Catius was a wonderful person to be around, and I was proud to be part of his team. There were only five of us counting Catius. This might sound crazy but we got the job done. Despite our lack in size, our work ethic and ingenuity paid dividends for us. We got the job done with the five of us faster than other companies could with twenty miners or more.

“Cado, let’s play some dice! Come on…. “Hiccup“…. lets play!!”

Mero, my best friend, was already drunk, despite only consuming three Cyrodilic brandies. I had known Mero since I was a small child. His parents took me in when mine had passed away. I was grateful for that and vowed to repay them for what they had done for me. I was finally able to do that once I joined the CMC. I bought them a house in Mournhold, where they had always dreamed of living. Mero wanted to buy the house for them, but I could not let my chance to repay them pass me by.

Mero was just as kind as his parents were, but he was also a con-artist. He often hustled people in dice of games like that. I was constantly getting him out of trouble with tough looking gamblers, but I did not mind. I actually enjoyed this, but I was not sure why.

Mero was an Imperial just like myself, and he was also the same height as I. One could say that we were twins if it wasn’t for the fact that I had dark brown hair, and Mero had blond hair.

“Not tonight Mero, your not taking my money. Try Nibia, I’m sure she will play a game or two.”

I knew this would anger Nibia, for she despised gambling.

“I don’t think so, I know your games Mero, I am not as stupid as you. Thanks a lot Cado, now he’ll be bugging me for the entire night.”

“No problem, that was my plan, ha ha!”

Nibia was a Breton blonde, and was also the most beautiful girl I had ever met. I will admit that I have an enormous crush her, dating back to our childhood days. I had asked her out several times, but I was turned down each time. She was nice about it, but it cut me deep. We were still good friends, but that was still not good enough for me. Some day I would win her over, I promise you that.

Looking around the hotel, everyone looked to be intoxicated, except for Nibia and myself. I guess you could call Nibia a goody-goody, for she did not believe in drinking, gambling, or anything that involved trouble. I did not blame her, but I myself enjoyed a few drink now and then.

Everyone in the hotel was enjoying themselves. Catius had bought drink for everyone in the hotel, not just for us miners. He told the bartender that all food was on him as well. I had a feeling Catius would regret this later, for he appeared to more intoxicated than anyone else, except for Mero of course.

After a while the party died down, and everyone left to go to home. I was exhausted from the partying, so I decided to leave as well. I only had a few drinks, but sometimes event that can cause a hangover. I offered to walk Nibia to her house, and she accepted the offer. Somehow Mero had gotten Catius to play a couple of games of dice, but because Mero was drunk he was unable to hustle Catius, and Catius won 100 septims. Mero was so angry he stormed out of the inn cursing like a pirate, while Catius just pointed at him and laughed. People were so funny when they were drunk.

It was a cool night in the Imperial City, and everyone was in their houses sound asleep, except for the various guards that patrolled the city. The sky was clear of any clouds, and the stars were shining brightly. I knew that Nibia loved the way the stars sparkled in the sky, so as I walked her to her house I tried to impress her with my knowledge about stars.

“Hey Nibia, look at all the stars, aren’t they beautiful?”

“They are simply fascinating Cado. One day, when I am retired from the mining business, I am going to be a scholar of the stars. I always wanted to do that, do you think that sounds stupid?”

This was my chance to sound smart….

“No, not at all. That sounds like an interesting field. Actually I know a thing or two about stars myself. You see those stars over there…….that is the constellation of The Lady. Look, it is almost as beautiful as yourself.”

I was lying through my teeth, and it appeared that Nibia knew it as well.

“Ha ha ha, that was the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard. Ha ha ha, Cado that is not The Lady, in fact it is nothing. Its just a bunch of random stars. But thanks for the compliment, ha ha ha.”

I started to blush from embarrassment.

“Yeah… well at least I tried.”

“That’s true, at least you tried. But seriously, you don’t think that it is a dumb field to get into?”

“Nibia, all jokes aside, that would be a wonderful idea for you. I hear it pays well too.”

“Great pay is always nice, but I just to work for the fun of it. It doesn’t matter how much I get paid. Once I am retired from the CMC I will certainly be well off.”

We arrived at Nibia’s house soon after that. She lived in the Elven Gardens; which were houses that only the rich could afford. But as wealthy as CMC was, us miners did not make enough money to afford these houses, except for Catius of course, who happened to live the Elven Gardens as well. The only reason Nibia could afford was because she had wealthy parents who still lived back at High Rock, which was the homelands the Bretons. Being a Breton, one would assume that they all work in the field of magic, but that is not the case for Nibia. She actually is not very bright when it came to using magic, but other than she was very intelligent.

“Thanks for taking me home Cado. I will see you tomorrow, good night!”

I walked home alone, to the Talos Plaza district, which was where most of us lived. They were relatively cheap houses, but it’s not as if they were in bad condition. I loved my house, and everyone else I knew did as well. The Talos Plaza were Mero lived as well. This is also where Fadavee lived.

Fadavee was the fifth an final employee of CMC. He wasn’t a very nice person, but he was an expert when it came to mining equipment. He was a equipment manager, an he took care of buying our equipment and then fixing it when it was damaged. Back when just started the business, We were used tools that were not of good quality, and that’s when Catius decided to find someone who knew a lot about. That’s when we found Fadavee, who was living in Ald’ruhn, Morrowind. He was highly recommended by his current employers, and Catius had to pay a hefty amount gold just to get him.

Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that Fadavee works for us, but the two of us don’t exactly get along. He is one of those traditional Dunmer. You know… the kind that don’t like any other race than themselves. He is not one the extremists or anything, and in fact he pretty much gets along with everyone else. For some odd reason he picks me to dislike. I don’t know what I did, but he was despised me ever since he came aboard. I try to be friendly with him but I always get an attitude from him.

As I neared my house I could see that Fadavee was about to enter his house, which was to the right of my house. You see Mero, Fadavee and I live side by side. Mero was on my left and Fadavee was on my right. This had its up and downs. I did not want to, but waved Fadavee as I entered my house. He just snickered and cursed as he walked inside house, however I was not surprised.

When I walked in my house, I noticed that everything was just as I had left it when I went to work in the morning…..messy as ever. I will admit that I am not a neat person, but it doesn’t bother be at all. The only person that ever comes over is Mero, and he is messier than I am. I am not a lazy person, I just don’t like to clean.

Before going to bed I made sure my faithful companion, a large tri-colored dog named Pong, was alright. He was already nestled in my bed, where he most frequently visited, despite me telling him to sleep on the floor. But how could I get mad at a cute face like that? I learned to simply let him sleep in my bed. He had never wet the bed, so hopefully it would stay that way.

“Bark…. Bark!!”

“Hush Pongor, people are sleeping, and I will be too in a few minutes,”

I took off my work clothes and put on a pair of coarse linens and laid down on my comfortable bed. Then Pong crawled over to me, wanting to be held in order to keep warm, for it had been rather chilly at night for the past few days. I did, and then we both fell asleep in a matter of minutes.

The next morning I was awoken by an awful stench and a loud noise . I opened my eyes to see that Pong was breathing in my face, and was snoring loudly as well.

“Ah Pong, get your face out of mine!!”

Pong suddenly jumped up, licked my face, and then galloped into the kitchen, awaiting his breakfast. I wiped the slobber from my face and got dressed into my work clothes. We did not have a business uniform, so I simply wore a tan shirt, tan pants, and heavy leather boos. Since it was cold I put on a tan hood as well. I always wanted to match when I wore clothes.

I cleaned my teeth, but I did not bother to comb my long wavy hair, for it did not matter because it would be getting messy in a couple hours. After cleaning up a bit I went into the kitchen were Pong was still anxiously awaiting his morning meal. I got him a bowl of crab meat and a separate bowl filled with water. Then I made myself some breakfast.

I was still full from the meal last night, so all I had this morning a small portion of venison and some fruit. Then I washed it down with some Cyrodilic Brandy, and then headed out into the Market District, where our company building was located.

I slept in a little later than usual, for it was already noon, and I usually woke up at around nine o’clock. Lucky for me we did not have to report to work until twelve thirty. Everyone was out and about shopping for things. I loved taking strolls in the Market District when it was busy. There was always someone to talk to.

I entered our company building, and everyone was already present. Even Mero was there, and he was usually always late. Catius was looking impatient.

“Good, not everyone is here I can tell you the great news. I spoke with Chancellor Ocato this morning.”

Chancellor Ocato has acted as Emperor since the fall of Meruhnes Dagon, though he is not officially the Emperor.

“He called me into his quarters at the Imperial Palace. He has a special job for us, and it could be potentially dangerous. He says that there is an ancient Akaviri ruin deep in the Jerall Mountains, to the north. He says that the ruin was stripped of it’s valuables long ago, but recently a expedition has revealed an unexplored sector of the ruin. The entrance is now buried by debris, and he has chosen us to do the job, which I will explain to you now.”

“Ocato says that scholars say that a lost Alyeid statue is hidden somewhere in the forgotten sector, and he wants us to find it. Now he understands that we are not warriors, but he believes that we are the best for the job, and I have to say that I agree. Because of our mining skills he chose us for the job. Now I know this could be dangerous, but he will be paying us generously. What do you guys say? This will be much more challenging than the regular caves, which you all have been complaining about lately.”

We thought about it and talked it over for about ten minutes. He all finally agreed that it would be in our best interest if we took the mission. Who knows, maybe this would lead to personal missions, instead of digging in the same caves over and over. Besides, our company desperate needed the money, even though we were very popular in Cyrodiil. That was our problem, we were only popular in this country, but our goal was to be known throughout Tamriel. We knew we had the skills, but so far we had not been offered any jobs from any of the other countries.

We decided to start our journey at five o’clock. We had to get geared and everything, for the treacherous journey would last a long time, and who knows how long we would be gone. Before we left I took Pong to a neighbor of mine who lived about three houses down from me. He would be taking care of my dog while I was gone. His name was Joono, an old Nordic man from Skyrim. He was a very nice man, who often bought material from our company to make custom armor and weapons.

After everything was taken care of we headed out towards our objective. To help us along the way Ocato sent five Imperial guards and two Imperial foresters to travel with us, just incase we ran into trouble. An adventurer with knowledge of the Akaviri ruin’s location also accompanied us on our journey.

We traveled north until we arrived at Bruma. I was night time, so we decided to set up camp, near the city. Ocato did not want to attract any attention for some reason. We all had some dinner, which consisted of some venison, from a deer that the foresters had killed; and we had berries that were picked by the foresters as well. After eating we went to sleep. We planned on waking up bright and early so we could hopefully reach the cave by nightfall.

It was very cold that night, and I had a lot of trouble falling to sleep. I decided to get up and sit by the fire since I could not sleep. When I exited my tent I noticed that Nibia must not have been able to fall asleep as well, for she was sitting by the fire cupping her hands together trying to keep warm.

“You can’t get to sleep either?”

“Oh Cado, you startled me! No, I cannot get to sleep. It is way too cold up north, I am glad we live in the Imperial City.”

I was glad to live in the capitol city as well. The weather was much nicer up there. Suddenly a noise came from some trees to our right.

“Cado, what was that?”

“I don’t know and I’ll go check it out.”

I did not know what was out there, and I will admit that I was scared at the moment, but I could not let Nibia see that I was scared. I had to be brave.

I looked around but did not find anything. Snow had started to fall, making it rather difficult to see. After several minutes I gave up the search and headed back to the campsite.

“Did you find anything?”

I could tell that Nibia was scared.

“No, I did not find anything. It was probably just wind. So, how are you doing?”

I did not know what else to say.

“Well….I’m kind of cold. How about you?”

“I’m cold too, but it will be well worth it once we get that statue back to the Imperial City.”

“Yeah, your right. Hopefully this will open the door for more exciting jobs such as the one we are on now.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes, until it was broken by me.

“So, umm….I was thinking, maybe with the money we get as our reward, perhaps you and I could go see a play in Mournhold. I hear the actors are very talented there.”

“I would like that a lot. Well, I’m starting to get sleepy, I think I’m gonna try to get to sleep now.”

I was so happy.

“Sleep, yes, that would be a good idea. We will need lots of energy for tomorrow.”

I walked Nibia to her tent, and before she went in she turned around and gave me a kiss on my right cheek. She smiled at me and then went inside her tent. I was now the happiest person in the world!!!

I went inside my tent to fall asleep, but it was still difficult, especially after what just happened. Maybe she was falling in love with me after all. Perhaps my dream would finally come true.

jeffro
04-06-2007, 01:46 PM
I would sure enjoy some suggestions on the story.

optimisticnad
04-07-2007, 08:46 AM
I'm sorry you're not getting many comments.

I think the length and the title puts people off! I know it did with me.

What I can say is this reads like....I don't know, essay? No, not that, I cant think of the word. I just mean there is far too much...'narrating.' Your central character just tells us what happens, for example:


'Nibia was a Breton blonde, and was also the most beautiful girl I had ever met. I will admit that I have an enormous crush her, dating back to our childhood days. I had asked her out several times, but I was turned down each time. She was nice about it, but it cut me deep. We were still good friends, but that was still not good enough for me'

you have a lot of stuff in this short story like the above passage: this happened...i feel this...then this...blah blah blah. Its too much.

Your viewpoint isn't strong enough either and this is a first-person narrative so it should be really powerful. I admire you for trying to write in first-person, I always struggle with that! But I don't have a strong impression of Cado, not learnt anything interesting about Cado. If this was the first few pages of a novel or a short story I'm afraid I wouldn't carry on reading simply because Cado just isn't an interesting or strong character.

I think overall, it lacks depth. It isn't plot driven or character driven. There is lots of stuff I would take out and work on small stuff and elaborate on that.

Theres some small typo errors too that can be easily corrected

Best of luck

kathycf
04-07-2007, 12:37 PM
Hi there:

I didn't mind the title, I read alot of mysteries so that is fine. I think opti makes a good point about getting an impression of the main character. You spend more time describing the NPCs (heh heh, never played Oblivion, just Morrowind ;) )...anyway, you need to spend more time on your main character and what he is all about. It is good to get backstory on other folks in the story, but if you are going to go with first person we really need to know who this guy is, and what he is all about.

jeffro
04-09-2007, 10:31 PM
Thanks for the suggestion everyone. This is what I thought as well. But this story is long gone and I am working on another two stories. One is my own creation "A Game of Death", and the other is a 2-person short story that I am writing with paw-prints-in-the-mud over at ElderScrollsForums.com. I might post them here but it took a long time to get replies, and there are many other sites, so I might not. It just depends...

kathycf
04-09-2007, 10:51 PM
Feel free to send me a PM if you would like my feedback. It is a bit random on getting replies because so many members post their work and want feedback.

I have not made it a habit to check this forum, so that is why I suggest sending the PM. Totally up to you. :)

jeffro
04-10-2007, 07:00 AM
Okay I will do that right now...

kathycf
04-11-2007, 09:13 PM
I was that of the Bosmer race

I was born into the Bosmer race

I was of the Bosmer race


even from a person with zero knowledge of artistic ability.

even from one with no knowledge of things artistic.

even from a person with no artistic ability


----------------------------------------
This is kind of an awkward paragraph. You tell the reader stuff you don't really need to, such as "I proceeded to lean my head against the door" or "that meant the door was blocked from inside".


I had then neared the cabin even closer...which I happened to do so

jeffro
04-11-2007, 09:27 PM
That's ok, you don't have to post revisions. I would like it if you would just post your suggestions on the storyline and things like that...

kathycf
04-11-2007, 09:33 PM
Oh, well sorry.

jeffro
04-11-2007, 10:29 PM
There is no need for apologies, and just want some feedback on the story line, thats all.