Hello, and comments please

[Bluemauvey]

I'm new here, and would love some feedback on some of my recent work (I'm only now writing once again after a lengthy, self-imposed break).

Here's one of my more recent scribblings. I really do welcome all comments and feedback, thank you.

Held in ink

We coalesce, you take my arm
The empty stitch, the liquid yarn
The palimpsest, that will become
The far today, still fresh
Though grey
The colours, sleepy run.

The marching lines, the wheezy buzz
Hot valentine, the bruisy bloom
The waspy rent for ochre rub
Let in lovingly, to re-become
To paint
A sticky syllabub.

A bringing out, a fetching sting
The wired line, the acid balm
The Vaseline that sheens the wing
The picture now unreeled
Displayed
The grainy screen projected on.

The tissued pores, impressed and taped
Plasticine seep, the meshy clot
The puddle oil that has escaped
The pigeon necks
The bus stop wait
Adorned with these forget-me-nots.

© L W Daly 2007

[Bluemauvey]

Not a single response? I can but hope that you're all taking time to extract the full godness from the piece. Oh well, maybe it just isn't 'Middle-Earth' enough, or there's not enough romantic suffering running through. :bawling:

[Pendragon]

I don't think it has anything to do with your poem, Mauvey. Nice imagery. I can't quite decide if you are talking about a lover or a drug addict needing a fix, that may be suggested by these lines:


A bringing out, a fetching sting
The wired line, the acid balm

That brings to mind an addict using a rubber hose to bring up a vein (the wired line) for the needle (the fetching sting) to deliver the drug (the acid balm).

But the poem is well-written. If I have read it wrong, then you have written a poem that can mean different things to different people, a true masterpiece! :thumbs_up

Good luck!

Pen

[Bluemauvey]

I don't think it has anything to do with your poem, Mauvey. Nice imagery. I can't quite decide if you are talking about a lover or a drug addict needing a fix, that may be suggested by these lines:



That brings to mind an addict using a rubber hose to bring up a vein (the wired line) for the needle (the fetching sting) to deliver the drug (the acid balm).

But the poem is well-written. If I have read it wrong, then you have written a poem that can mean different things to different people, a true masterpiece! :thumbs_up

Good luck!

Pen

Hey Pen. Firstly, thanks for commenting and for the kind words. I can see how your interpretation came about, and in re-reading I can see that interpretation can be expanded and still hold true.

The poem was originally called 'Tattoo', and came about from a memory of visiting a tatooist a few years ago. I do like the imagery and feel that it puts across what I wanted to put across and how.

With regard it meaning different things to different people, then eureka! Another masterpiece!

[yaughan]

Some good inventive stuff about tatooing. Seems to make it new by finding some good metaphors, fresh imagery to describe the process. "Bruisy bloom" I like I have a cousin whose tatoos are just like that!

[Bluemauvey]

Some good inventive stuff about tatooing. Seems to make it new by finding some good metaphors, fresh imagery to describe the process. "Bruisy bloom" I like I have a cousin whose tatoos are just like that!

Thank you yaughan.

This poem was a new metre for me, and I wanted it to read like the buzz of the tattooists needle. The imagery really pleased me, and the words came easily as I sat there, listening to the hum of the needle-gun and looking at the framed tattoo images on the walls of the parlour.