Untitled

[atiguhya padma]

An island in the traffic
Enhanced voices violent
"I believe this" and "I believe that"
As if belief is the bridge
Between what is and what is not.

The rain descends in rhythmic
Cadences.
It is enough to make you
Want to hear the language
Of precipitation

"I believe in life" says the voice
That stands there rooted to the concrete
Echoing like the wind.

One of them
An acquaintance,
Had said: "Sorry about your father
I understand you do not believe,
So where do you think he has gone?"

Finality is too real for us.
We follow wisps of hope
That lead us deeper into
A camouflaged despair.

Without a voice, you ask me to believe,
In polarised places,
Only one of which
Would hold him.

You use words like humane,
Merciful, love.
Where do you wish me to see him?

I saw him in his bed
Grasping my hand
Feeling the pulse
Of life.

I felt his strength
Instinctively rising against
Inevitability.

He believed this world was everything
He believed in himself
He believed in pleasure.

I believe in death

He is gone

[Vada Dagon]

I actually liked your Poem. However, I think you could work on polishing it a little. I think it has great promise, but it certainly has great emotions and scenes.

[blp]

I agree it needs polish. I'd lose those quotation marks in the early bit. I don't think they're right - these aren't actual quotes, just allusions to people expressing opinions. Might work better italicised. Not quite sure what and 'enhanced' voice would be either. L12, pretty sure you've got a spelling mistake. Have a look. Similar finickettiness throughout will help in my view.

Another thing, much more subjective: I really have a problem with phrases like 'rhythmic cadences'. So poetry, yet so easy.

[atiguhya padma]

blp and vada dagon,

Thanks for your criticism. It is much appreciated. The speech marks serve two purposes - first they indicate that the speech does not carry over into the next stanza. Secondly, they are more or less quoted from what was said to me by a religious colleague I work with.

Oh and the enhanced voices refer to evangelists preaching through megaphones on a traffic island near where I work.

AP

[blp]

I meant the quotation marks around 'I believe this' and 'I believe that', not the ones later on.