Time and You (a cliche love, practice poem)

[Adolescent09]

When time came,
you were pink and round
in sweet striped plums and roses,
your voice was like a nail on chalkboard
making blue gowned workers cover their ears,
but to me it was a bright spring tune.

Time has gone,
and molded pudgy cheeks
into a thin fair face,
which gives the scent of chocs' and sweets
in a dress of dotted ruby,
stitched in satin lace.


Time has gone,
and so has fruit's soft innocence.
The seedling nears a surface,
its petal opens like you did,
seeks enlightenment and innovation

When the time comes,
Two hearts will be one,
rings of gold smolded on fingers,
to finally start,
a Time that has no hands or chimes,
because it lasts forever

[Vada Dagon]

This is a very interesting Poem and intriguing to me anyway.

There were two parts I did not like not because of the poetry but felt they could be better.

The first was
your voice was like a nail on chalkboard

I felt that could have been written a little better like
your voice was all discord (although a little overly used I have to say that).

The other part I would change would be this
seeks enlightenment and innovation

into
seeks a vision and innovation - simply because the word enlightenment is an ackward word to use, it starts softly of the tounge with enlight then that beauty is almost lengthen with en but ment just makes that one step too tall and you trip and fumble and what was once a graceful entrace into a room has become an ackward moment hoping no one saw.

I don't know if anything I said makes any sense but there you go. Opinions are like leaves in the wind. They don't even know where they are going to land or where they go.

[blp]

I think it's great. It seems quite obvious it's a pastiche, even without your overly explanatory title (please stop explaining yourself and let the poems speak for themselves!) and reminds me of similar pastichery by twentieth century poets like ee cummings and Robert Creeley (not that they're that much like each other). A little absurd. Very good. Not sure 'smolded' is a word, is it?