Poem I wrote - first attempt - please comment

[Sarecca]

The End

Just me on the subway,
Travelling to the end,
Like a firefly caught in a spidersweb
Knowing twighlight's just around the bend.
I realise that darkness is getting near
As the light of day begins to fade
Everything becomes so unclear
All alone on the subway.

This penetrating wound
It's deep and it's real
And it seems that my fate is forever sealed.

The haunting, creeping silence echoes in my head.
The end of the line looms closer
And I remember all the things you said.
I know deep down there's no escape,
I must face this fate alone.
All I can do is sit and wait
On the subway... to the end.
©2006

[Vada Dagon]

Hello Sarecca,

For your first attempt I would say it is pretty good.
I get the feeling of someone who has been left behind by a lover but there to grab onto and make it part of your own.

It neither makes me feel sorry nor really anything for the person.
Not that I am the greates poet but if you look at my signature I suppose that's what I'm looking at.

Vada

[Pendragon]

First attempt? Really? Then it's very good. Haunting, lonely, someone with a broken-heart wondering if there's any use trying to continue. An Echo From the Edge poem. Nice imagery contrasting loneliness with an endless subway ride in dark tunnels. Just don't turn it into a mantra. There is another day, another ride, another side to the coin.

Pen :thumbs_up

[yaughan]

Nice metaphor of the subway for life, often been represented as a journey, but this is quite a good "modern" metaphor. If you were going to expand it you might make much of the subway being circular, i.e. never ending. But, on the other hand, your poem has a finality I like. Here´s one of mine, quite different though:

A crow

Low flung

skimmed


a belly- breadth

above the new turned fields

sleek feathers dung- black

[hockeychick8792]

Hey Sarecca,

Your poetry had a real life feel to it. I believe it was extremely well typed for your first time. It was amazing.

Hey yaughan,

Your poem was quite a different style then what I am use to reading. I loved it. it was very interesting


I enjoyed both of your poems tremendously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[acdouglas92]

Wow. For a first attempt, that was great! I really like the recurring themes of what seems to be "the end" (death, no?). Amazing for a first try, like yaughan said, I like the finality of the poem. Good stuff. Here's one of mine, I think it follows the same themes:

Upon Reflection of Past Events and All Possibilities

The world is cold now
Devastated by inequity
Tarnished by the impending
of the inevitable.
Lost is the conception of a future,
Gone is any reverence
for a past.

A man muses by the window, contemplating
his accursed existence.
The chill of the night
curdles his thoughts,
disrupts his soliloquy.
No one wants it.
No one ever wanted it.

Death awards no one,
yet eternal joy is to be found after death?
What folly! the man laments,
as his plight descends beyond
despair.

A bell tolls, unheard.
Ring, it does, for this World.

Cold

Dead

Done.

Passivity escapes no one,
and so tortures this man.
A cry again, this time
Bitter.

Yet still colder grows this world.
Shakespeare turns in his grave.
No one is the sun.
No one is found.
No.
More.
Sun.

Life lies beyond the starry gates:
Beyond sanity,
reason and truth,
deception and treachery.
The man dares to reach for it.
He pauses, considers,
and resumes his tirade.
In doing so he chooses his
oft-cursed despair.

The Earth is weeping now,
frozen still.
No warmth can save her.
They are finished.
Ad infinitum is but a whimper
to the gods of Fate.

The man sees it, the desolate landscape.
One thing remains.
The shadow of the past
Reaching farther, searching further,
he finds…

Solace
Words unspoken
Deeds undone
Inequities unparalleled,
Equilibriums unbalanced

He sighs.
Walks into established
territory, devoid of sanity.
Steps further, breathes...

And is
Terminated.

He leaves,
knowing that he left the world exactly when he wanted to.