We Called Her Loo (comments?)

[SleepyWitch]

here's my short story from the Feb 07 competition. comments anyone?
thanks for your votes, Virgil and Schoko :)

[Pensive]

You have done a great job on it. I really liked it a lot, and was very confused between three stories when I voted, and this was one of them. This is amazing how people who have English as their second language manage to write such brilliant pieces of work. :)


So I was invited to their home, where the mother tortured me with three sets of knives and forks, salad without dressing, and fish, exclaiming that "All the vegetarians we know eat fish!"


However, no matter how unsophisticated, common and rude I tried to be, I did not manage to fall from grace and when I had to leave, 'mama' told me I had a "face like the virgin Mary" and would be very beautiful some day. (Why some day? I was beautiful enough back then and have grown older, fatter and generally uglier since, but never mind.) Oh Medea, leave this woman and take the infants with you!

I found the "light humour" here very interesting.


The following day, Chloe told me her mama had said I was allowed to visit them again. Well, why spend money on a Greek tutor if the girl has friends? With papa making a measly half a million a year, you can hardly be expected to invest in inessential things like private tuition.
Hehe, I know girls in my class who have mothers who would wear heaps of gold, but would not spend that money for the education of their children.


After some rummaging, she found a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and offered a cigarette to me.
"No thanks, I've given up".


I walked off in the opposite direction to the next tram stop, took a seat and lit a cigarette.

My favourite part of the story. Again, I applaud you for the good writing; the cute little funny things about Loo made me laugh and made me create her image in my mind. The characters look very real. :D This one is not at all boring, but very interesting. There are some stories which are very well-written, but what they lack is the ability to hook up the reader to them; and this is certainly not one of those. :)

[Virgil]

I voted for this story, Sleepy. I really did think it was the best one, and it surprised me it got the fewest votes. Without rereading it now, I'll tell you what I liked about it. I thought the narrative voice was strong and convincing. I thought the narrator and the opposing character (Loo? I can't quite remember) were very real and I could say I almost knew them. I thought the relationship between the two was complex and in no way superficial. It had conflict and yet they seemed to relate with each other.

As to negatives, the only one that comes to mind is that the beginning was a little hard to work through with the different girls. I was a little confused as who everyone was. Perhaps too many characters too quick. But I was able to work it out.

I think voters here also are not as partial to stories with subtle endings. They seem to prefer an overwhelming ending. Too bad for them. Your ending was subtle but very appropriate and realistic. I liked it.

[SleepyWitch]

thanks for your comments, Virg and Pensy :)
I'm glad you liked my story :) it's just something I jotted down and i thought it was utter nonsense

[Pendragon]

There were places in your story where I could really see things from the given perspective. I liked your beginning, and the subtle ending was like the soft last notes of a song. But parts of it sounded almost angry, or upset, and I could feel that as well. All in all, Sleepy, I think you are good at expressing your feelings in your words. The story I voted for, LAPD had such a twist ending and was so different from what you'd expect from the title, that I voted that direction. But you can deffinately write! And write well! :thumbs_up :nod:

[Schokokeks]

Awww, I KNEW THIS WAS YOURS! :D :D
It was quite a similar tone as the one in Revels before Lent, which is why I fell in love again :).

I think the previous posters have taken much of the praise out of my mouth, but I would like to especially second this

This is amazing how people who have English as their second language manage to write such brilliant pieces of work.
and this

Your ending was subtle but very appropriate and realistic..
The ending really blew me, I liked it best of all the story's aspects :nod:. The flashbacks (the girl friends talking at the café,...) were also very deftly done!

Keep writing here !!! :nod:

[SleepyWitch]

hehe, thanks Schoko :)
(by the way, have you read my 3rd and soooo much better revision of Revels ? :D )

Uncle Pen, I nearly voted for LAPD too, except i didn't really get the ending. i thought it was rivetting and combined the sci-fi genre with some interesting ideas.