A Zaieny Poem

[Unprodigy]

This is a poem of mine. Iv never been much for ryming and structure.... So one day I forced myself to, and this is what came out.

"I'v I'v Slipped Away"

Found screaming to tune not my own
Found wispering to which its shown

That mine minds eye seems too weak
That thier world spired seems be sheik

I'm on these knees for one moment
I'm off my rocker, think I'v shown it

Wanting more thoughts that stay
Wanting less time consumed each day

I was wondering if this was structure... or my wierd attempt and my crash and burn....

[ktd222]

This is a wonderful attempt at form and structure. A little bit overdone, though. Rhyme, meter, syllable counting, etc, all these have its places. Sometimes when you build a poem using an above criteria, it can make your words seem forced, and silly. Just be cautious of how your ideas are affected when using structure and form. I do like the underlying message presented by your aesthetics: a struggle for individual expression against an “outside voice.” The slip in syllable count between lines 6 and 7, and lines 8 and 9, tells me the “individual voice” is losing. I know you meant the beginning words in each line in each stanza to accentuate the thought of your title; but in doing so you’ve forever intertwined the opposing “voices,” and I don’t know if that was what you were striving for.