Demiurge
02-21-2007, 11:31 PM
Could you give me some feedback and/or constructive criticisms on this children's poem I wrote for my writing class? Anything is greatly appreciated.
The Lumpkins
In the fields, in October, there arises a din.
From the lumpkins in the pumpkins, who all are quite grim.
For the pumpkin harvesting season,
Is about to begin.
“This year will be different!”
The chief lumpkin grinned.
“This year we fight back,
This time we win!”
The lumpkins themselves
Were no country bumpkins.
They got straight to work,
Protecting their pumpkins.
They built up defenses,
Thick walls and high towers,
The busy little gnomes,
Worked hard for twelve hours.
That night they slept,
In their round pumpkin beds.
Of the battle to come,
They had not one dread.
When the next morning came,
The lumpkins were ready,
They perched on their pumpkins,
Goo slingers at ready.
The farmer, their foe,
Advanced ‘cross the field.
A sharp chopper in hands,
But the lumpkins stood up to the hulking huge man.
“Hold fire!” cried the chief,
Perched on a vine.
“Wait for my order,
Give him some time!”
The farmer got closer,
Each step shook the earth.
Then the chief on his vine cried,
“Fire now! Show your worth!”
The goo flew threw the air, at the farmers tan face,
And in no time at he retreated,
Back home.
Disgraced.
The lumpkins had won!
They defended their crop!
They had triumphed,
Overcome!
Gave as good as they got!
“We did it!” they cheered,
And retired with glee,
To their beloved orange homes,
With their brave families.
The Lumpkins
In the fields, in October, there arises a din.
From the lumpkins in the pumpkins, who all are quite grim.
For the pumpkin harvesting season,
Is about to begin.
“This year will be different!”
The chief lumpkin grinned.
“This year we fight back,
This time we win!”
The lumpkins themselves
Were no country bumpkins.
They got straight to work,
Protecting their pumpkins.
They built up defenses,
Thick walls and high towers,
The busy little gnomes,
Worked hard for twelve hours.
That night they slept,
In their round pumpkin beds.
Of the battle to come,
They had not one dread.
When the next morning came,
The lumpkins were ready,
They perched on their pumpkins,
Goo slingers at ready.
The farmer, their foe,
Advanced ‘cross the field.
A sharp chopper in hands,
But the lumpkins stood up to the hulking huge man.
“Hold fire!” cried the chief,
Perched on a vine.
“Wait for my order,
Give him some time!”
The farmer got closer,
Each step shook the earth.
Then the chief on his vine cried,
“Fire now! Show your worth!”
The goo flew threw the air, at the farmers tan face,
And in no time at he retreated,
Back home.
Disgraced.
The lumpkins had won!
They defended their crop!
They had triumphed,
Overcome!
Gave as good as they got!
“We did it!” they cheered,
And retired with glee,
To their beloved orange homes,
With their brave families.