my poem Any suggestions??

[UltimaHybrid]

I take my Fear and my Humilation
I crush it into my fist
I open up my hand i have diamonds
My Diamonds are my Rage
I have Diamonds in my eyes

[wyzguy]

Okay. Here are my thoughts.
1- Some interesting images.
2- Fear and humiliation are 2 things. Crush THEM in your fist.
3- You say the diamonds are rage, but you also say they are fear+humiliation+pressure. Which is it?
4- The diamonds are in your hands. The diamonds are in your eyes. Which is it?
5- Too Much I I I I I I I

Trying rewriting it and repost. I know I've pretty much trashed the execution of the poem but I think I see promise of a good poem in there. Remember, I started off with saying there are interesting images. Make them clearer and brighter. Make me feel you crush your fear and humiliation. Shouldn't I feel the pain in the palm of my hand?

[ktd222]

This poem is quite nice. The question to ask is not which thing “fear and humiliation” is; because they obviously each represents two different feeling, or two different components; but when the two are put together, what forms is another feeling: rage. How a diamond is created is just the metaphor for how “rage” is formed. The many uses of “I” are important in the poem because “I” can be represented as the pressure itself, the mechanism used to catalyze the formation of rage; and this “I” is represented in the “eye”.

Why did you capitalize “fear” and not “humiliation”?
The creation of “rage” is the culmination putting together two separate feelings. Can you rearrange the words in a way so that that is the ultimate statement? Because as I read it now each line is a statement in itself.
Other than that, it’s good. If I think of anything else I will post it.

[Pendragon]

I agree with Wyzguy. One point: anger is described in nature as "hot". Heat and pressure are required to make diamonds. Instead of the diamonds being your rage, in your imagery, they should help to create them. Just a thought. Good luck.

[ktd222]

I disagree. The truth in your poetry is your truth. The fact that “humiliation and fear” and a catalyze(your hand) will give you a diamond, which is rage, is your truth; it doesn’t matter what these feelings represent as far as nature is concerned. The idea is there! I understand now why you’ve set up the poem the way you did with all the “I”s. The fact that the “I”s are there particularizes this equation, per say, to You, the speaker; specifically the “my” in line four really gives a sense of selfishness, or ownership, of how rage is created by you.
Please do not disregard the use of “I” because then the poem would become passive, and the reaction you’ve set up would not work.

[UltimaHybrid]

thanks to replies and thoughts but ilike the way my poem is written..and thats how it will stay.. and i know its been forever.. but hi again

[NickAdams]

Why did you capitalize “fear” and not “humiliation”?

I think it represents belittlement and it does that well.

[UltimaHybrid]

i fied the grammar and the punctuation so it should sound better.. thanks again