this is my fetal attempt at personal pale fire -is it completely incomprehensible???

[i'mauntallie]

one summer week of my 13th year I gave
to a scrappy Christian camp named for two Pines
and a second Alli I befriended there
us two, short, considered twins, coinciding forked tynes
on pyramids comprising ever-cheerful
cindy kate jess and carolines.

in a shared fate of common norms
we surfed our way through social cliques
performing roles of "ew the bugs"
and "breaded hot dog on a stick." it's true, i'd say --
we never really merged but form would say
we made our peace with "how are you's" and "I'm ok"s.

precious minutes i would take
when "ah ha!" and "ta da!"
had done their part in Bible class
to spend mirrored in looking glass -- novice bra
-- slightly more developed dimpled chin
looking back I mandate "self -- adivinate!
decide for once and push those two back in!"

i thought my social job was done those hours
lulled by buddings, my spirit called "early crocus May!"
it could not ascertain that cold of frost was on the way...

[Liarue]

Quite the opposite, very clear, your addition of dialogue is very effective in showing the mindsets of the characters and I must say I have a fondness for the phrase "considered twins". I thoroughly enjoyed reading it! I may come back to draw more of an opinion on the final lines. :thumbs_up

[dyingflame]

great :) how old are you ?? (for me it seems clear enough, and it really captures the frame of mind and that feeling of being trapped by society's expactations- it reminds me of my own puberty..but imo it is clear that you're writing this in retrospective. are you?

[i'mauntallie]

i'm almost 28 -- it's really almost criminal the amount of imaginative finagelling you can do with your own past
thanks for reading it
ps. i think the ending is a little choppy...

[ktd222]

I really like this poem. The tone is innocent, yet serious: of a thirteen year old just discovering that social cliques now matter. It is as if with the coming of teenage and adulthood - innocence, where meeting social norms hadn’t mattered, now give way to times where one must be dishonest, selfish, calculative, in order to be included in such popular “norms”. That tone of losing innocence is very overpowering in this poem, I believe; and I think it couples well with the polar view taken on religion by the speaker. The idea that by losing innocence, religion has taken on a silliness as well. A “ah ha” and “ta da” - those words, to me, seems like one is not taking bible class seriously. I really think that what is important at this camp is now reversed.
You’ve got something really great here. Maybe you could reorder the poem so an actual ladder of importance really exist: with social desires on top and religion, or god on the bottom? I would also work on the tone of the speaker in this poem. I feel it is very important to this poem’s success. To be honest I didn’t even care or consider the person the speaker befriended. I didn’t think it added anything to the poem. But it’s your call. I liked how you attached the word “precious” to spending “looking at yourself in the mirror” and not to bible class. Maybe more words like that to further differentiate your own desires towards such things.
The part when you look in the mirror and begin to think aloud is introspective. I think the last few lines of stanza 3 and all of stanza 4 might be addressing the speaker’s own soul, or spirit. There is this sense that by reversing the order of importance the soul is losing tenderness, or warmness, but doesn’t know it yet. “it could not ascertain that cold of frost was on the way” – is this forshadowing of what will come if one follows this path? I liked the ending. Who are you referring when you say “it” in the last line? If you are referring to your spirit, or soul, shouldn’t you address the “it” more intimately?
Overall a good job. And if this is your “feeble attempt,” then you’re going to be a great writer.