Liarue
02-15-2007, 01:55 PM
I wrote this some time ago and have too much doubt in myself to know what to think of it, be honest and give suggestions about changing lines; obviously I will not change this poem for anyone but I like to see what people would change were they to improve it. It is rather unlike my recent poetry which is slightly more structured.
Sitting on a roof top, one slate plating
Bent to make the ridge
I know it’s there
Smooth and shining
Without a light
So Frictionless
Edge out of sight
Into the black
I jump off willing
Begging darkness
That’s over spilling
To let me fall
Into the lake
I know it’s there
It can’t feel wrong
No air rushing past
No hint to how long
This fall will last
I fall so free
I feel like air
No scenery
To stop and stare
Into a lake
I fall without doubts
To a lake composed of mirror black
I know it’s there
I landed on its surface ; no ripple
My sleep disturbed its romantic lie
And I hooked it in my eye
Crushing it with my pupil
Sitting on a roof top, one slate plating
Bent to make the ridge
I know it’s there
Smooth and shining
Without a light
So Frictionless
Edge out of sight
Into the black
I jump off willing
Begging darkness
That’s over spilling
To let me fall
Into the lake
I know it’s there
It can’t feel wrong
No air rushing past
No hint to how long
This fall will last
I fall so free
I feel like air
No scenery
To stop and stare
Into a lake
I fall without doubts
To a lake composed of mirror black
I know it’s there
I landed on its surface ; no ripple
My sleep disturbed its romantic lie
And I hooked it in my eye
Crushing it with my pupil