What do you think? First Try.

[Shalashaska]

It was broken
in the still of night
its fragile nature was of
no match for the power
and strength
of numbers
or rather
the ignorance of all
who throw away their
honour and glory
and leave them to toss and
turn in the wind
while
they mimick their leaders
who are nothing more
than followers
who mimick their own leaders
and an endless line
of fools
every row worse than the last
each offspring bearing more
faults than the previous
and all the time
honour and glory
are still there
tossing and turning
ignored by all
or nearly all
as even as the line moves on
a dark figure looms
over the deserted treasure
and black tears stream
from his faceless visage
but no sobbing
no sobbing
he gathers honour
strokes it
stores it
then glory
cleans it
pockets it
and follows the line
with one last look at that patch
of ground
damp with his tears
he takes out his gun
kisses it lovingly
and smirks
he knows
and he waits
for that damp patch will not
remain so forever
it will be broken
in the still of the night
for its fragile nature will be of
no match for the power
and strength
of the true hero
of true Man
it will be broken
and from it will emerge
salvation
or so
he hopes
and as he turns
he moves on
gathering
waiting
hoping...

[dyingflame]

Hello Shalashaska. I must say that that's extremely accomplished for your first try- it seems to really move on both in thoughts and images: there is movement in a sense that the poem matures as it progresses, the concept of honour and glory are personified by a faceless figure (well done, this expresses your inner doubt about the existence of such things as honour and glory) It is spiritually absorbing but also morally heavy..It poses questions but gives no answers; it's images are thought provoking! It's extended form and short lines also give a sense of lenght, of a never ending set of events that lead to further questions...the versification reminds me of something I wrote a long time ago, which wasn't so accomplished though. Yours is better but here it is for comparision's sake since it was almost my first try at poetry as well (my 4th try actually):

The Line


A golden crucifix
Lights the path
Towards torment.

Souls stick to flesh
Unyielding flesh
Punished to never give up.

Not wanting surrender
Unless mercy graces
A gratified release.

From the eternal
Getting back to one’s
Feet only to fall back.

Rebirth from return-
Spite from the pain-
Silent sorrow in vain.


A short horizon bends,
Curves gently to handle
The court of evidence.

A long line of stragglers
Carrying their loads of
Mortality life and humanity,

Loaded with judgements
They redeem us from
A world where there are two.

Drowned in truth
Inside old age
They smile
Youthfully
In a sour induced
Slumber



I feel drowned in that patch of soil "damp with his tears" - the emotion evoked in me was being swept away by waves upon waves of events one cannot control. keep it up and post other stuff you've written :)

[Shalashaska]

This is my second poem, different in theme from the first. Opinions greatly appreciated :)

The cry of the gun in the silence
Each bullet's journey
tells a story of
a target
a shot
a hit
the silence of quick death
wholly inglorious demise
crafted from distant shadows
the artist unleashes
masterpieces
the art of silent death
of mating with darkness
using his metal brush
to fire deadly bristles
into heads
necks
hearts
all part of his great
work of art
while his subjects
lament soundlessly
the sniper
artist from a-far
the subjects are near
the subjects are dead
until da svee da nyeh-
part of another's masterpiece
he finally becomes.

[dyingflame]

you caught the essential profound images with uncanny precision, like the sniper you describe. the shorter lines that are repeated increase the rythmn and made me feel a sense of urgency- actually increasing my heart beat! necks / hearts heads/ and a target/ a shot/ a hit! wow! your diction implying that this killer sees his work as an art made an intersting parrallel to us poets...thus you catch into the readers mind- people you should read and comment this guy!

ps what is svee da nyeh?is it an actual term? for me it really replicates the sound of the whizzing shell before it hits a target which is great

[Shalashaska]

ps what is svee da nyeh?is it an actual term? for me it really replicates the sound of the whizzing shell before it hits a target which is great

actually da svee da nyeh means farewell in Russian (the Motherland produced a number of great snipers), the sound is a good coincidence.

[dyingflame]

you're interested in sniping? my fater is one (taparsi ma nafekx lol)

[Shalashaska]

your *father? yeah I believe sniping is more of an art than the other aspects of war, and their work should be considered as a kind of art...