daveblue222
02-05-2007, 06:14 PM
hey. I have begun to write a short story. I have no background, or much (good) education when it comes to this subject. The kind of stuff im reading at the moment is Bukowski, dostoevesky, Childish. I would greatly appreciate some feedback of what you think of the first 200 or so words. The reason I have started to write is simply because i want to express myself in more ways than one. heres the first 200 words
James was laying upon his back. For the past week he had been trying, however failing to come up with some money. His head began to hurt as hard mud dug in, irritating his thoughts even more so. The occasional passer by looked uneasily at him, though James was unaware of this, his eyes closed shut like vices. As the sun pushed itself out from the clouds James felt the gentle heat on his brow, and tiredly opened his eyes. The sight in front of him was a familiar one, the lake, birds, adults screaming at their children as if they were animals. Bringing his knees to his forehead James curled up into a foetus with his arms wrapped tightly around his legs, hoping for someway out.
Taken out of his shirt pocket James lit his last cigarette, inhaling deeply as he took drag after drag. Finally he stood up and started to walk along the path back to his home. Whilst walking he wondered how things had turned out the way they had. Opening the front door the usual smell filled his nostrils, fatty takeaways, alcohol, grime and dirt. For the first time now he had decided to do something about his situation, “but what exactly?” thought James as he kicked off his grubby trainers and ascended the stairs to the bathroom.
thanks for listening
-Dave
James was laying upon his back. For the past week he had been trying, however failing to come up with some money. His head began to hurt as hard mud dug in, irritating his thoughts even more so. The occasional passer by looked uneasily at him, though James was unaware of this, his eyes closed shut like vices. As the sun pushed itself out from the clouds James felt the gentle heat on his brow, and tiredly opened his eyes. The sight in front of him was a familiar one, the lake, birds, adults screaming at their children as if they were animals. Bringing his knees to his forehead James curled up into a foetus with his arms wrapped tightly around his legs, hoping for someway out.
Taken out of his shirt pocket James lit his last cigarette, inhaling deeply as he took drag after drag. Finally he stood up and started to walk along the path back to his home. Whilst walking he wondered how things had turned out the way they had. Opening the front door the usual smell filled his nostrils, fatty takeaways, alcohol, grime and dirt. For the first time now he had decided to do something about his situation, “but what exactly?” thought James as he kicked off his grubby trainers and ascended the stairs to the bathroom.
thanks for listening
-Dave