A Soft Shadow

[white camellia]

An aged Persian port blowing
In the winds and waves
Of a boisterous bazaar

An old crippled banyan
Swapped his gingers and peppers
Plus a cow with mammillas loafing
For a maiden on a board exposed
Still as conscientious handicraft
In curves exquisite as china ornamental
Shone like silver sand in the sunglow

Sweet is the lament of oar
By distance obscured
Pleasure is the Bacchanal sway
On the wavelets of scarlet lustre
By gimmick monopolised

The pleasure was all his
Damned not, fair trade God granted
His eyes played around

Ambrosial treasure, trembling
Down the nectarous legs, left
On right, right on left heap
Of virtues, lurking desires
Wax a little bit odd
Higher and higher, mounting
The moon marked a night

[blp]

Oh w, it's pure pastiche and fantasy - like a Hollywood vision of the mysterious orient. Decidedly not one of your best. Sorry.

A Soft Shadow is a nice title. Trade is also a useful word since it can be used to describe prostitution. What is a 'gimac'? I've just looked it up online and it 'could not be found'.

[white camellia]

;)

Thank you, l !!!

The origin of the word 'gimmick' is unknown. But some said that it comes from 'gimac', the anagram of 'magic'. :D

:)

[blp]

;)

The origin of the word 'gimmick' is unknown. But some said that it comes from 'gimac', the anagram of 'magic'. :D

:)

Nifty.
..........

[Virgil]

I happen to like this Camilia. I love the opening imagery. I love "Sweet is the lament of oar;" what a wonderful line. I love this:

Pleasure is the Bacchanal sway
On the wavelets of scarlet lustre
By gimmick monopolised
I do have a problem with the last line: "Casting the gimac of vestal bayonet."? You explained "gimac", but what is a "vestal bayonet?" I can't reconcile that in any way. Also I'm not sure I care for this line either: "Pillage crowned with a fair shake"? Only because I can't understand it.

Otherwise a good poem. And if the questions I raised are answerable in your mind, then a a really good poem.

[white camellia]

Thank you, Virgil, for lots of good suggestions to my writings!

Glad that you like those lines. And the qustions you raised are answerable in my mind. :)

[jon1jt]

i drank this one like red wine. very smooth, tranquil, and sensual, and the imagery shimmers on the ocean's face. the only thing, the three to five words suffocate the meaning and some lines are riddles:

By gimmick monopolised
Pillage crowned with a fair shake

it reminds me of a person who sings with her eyes closed, a bit impersonal and uninviting.

but as always, i enjoyed reading your work - it's been a while. thanks for sharing, and i appreciate you stopped by my little poem.

[white camellia]

Virgil and Jon, I hope you don't have problems with it now. :-)

[dyingflame]

ahh.. so it's edited? that explains it. i was reading the critical comments and wondering what the hell they were talking about. I liked the diction- for Western people it adds that tinge of oriental mystery..reminded me Shaerazede and Arabian Nights..altough of course, apart from that, my knowledge of Persia is limited to the Prince of Persia games hehe

[blp]

Much better.

[white camellia]

Much better.

Then it's really better. :-)
It seems that revision does good to writings.

[white camellia]

ahh.. so it's edited? that explains it. i was reading the critical comments and wondering what the hell they were talking about. I liked the diction- for Western people it adds that tinge of oriental mystery..reminded me Shaerazede and Arabian Nights..altough of course, apart from that, my knowledge of Persia is limited to the Prince of Persia games hehe
Thank you, flame. I enjoyed your comments. And I wonder what Shaerazede is. Obviously, you know much more about Persia, or Iran. ;-)) And I just have a classmate from Iran knowing that she speaks Persian and wears turban everyday, a very nice Muslim.

[jon1jt]

you might want to open this poem up some:

An aged Persian port blowing
In the winds and waves
Of a boisterous bazaar
An old crippled banyan
Swapped his gingers and peppers
Plus a cow with loafing mammillas
For a maiden on a board exposed
Still as conscientious handicraft
In curves exquisite as china ornamental
Shone like silver sand in the sunglow
Sweet is the lament of oar

By distance obscured
Pleasure is the Bacchanal sway
On the wavelets of scarlet lustre

By gimmick monopolised
The pleasure was all his
Damned not, fair trade God granted
His eyes played around

Ambrosial treasure, trembling
Down the nectarous legs, left
On right, right on left heap
Of virtues, lurking desires
Wax a little bit odd
Higher and higher, mounting
The moon marked a night



or something like that. hope that helps. :)