Confessions

[spally]

If I confessed to you my sins
Could you tell me that which I do not know?
If I confessed to you my dreams
Could you tell me that which I have not seen,
If I confessed to you my fears
Could you tell me that which I should not fear,
If I confessed to you my love
Could you tell me that which I have not hurt,
I have confessed my sins, my dreams, fears, and love
So you could tell me that of which I already know
I’ve heard it all
All the bull**** and crap
Confessing to you my sins will not save me
Confessing to you my dreams will not make them fly
Confessing to you my fears will not make them disappear
And confessing to you my love will not ease the pain
Confessing will not change what I have done, dreamt, feared, and loved.
Confessions only let another soul know what you know
Telling you what you already know
So I confess to you this....confess your own sins
And hear what you already know.

[Riesa]

I confess to not liking the use of 'u'.

[wyzguy]

There is material here for a very good poem but it's not there yet. My confession is that it drives me nuts when I see spelling mistakes. :) Use your spell checker. You have some interesting thoughts here. Don't shortchange your work by presenting it badly.

[wyzguy]

If I confessed to you my sins
Could you tell me that which I do not know?
If I confessed to you my dreams
Could you tell me that which I have not seen,
If I confessed to you my fears
Could you tell me that which I should not fear,
If I confessed to you my love
Could you tell me that witch whichI have not hurt,
I have confessed my sins, my dreams, fears, and love
So you could tell me that of which I already know
I’ve heard it all
All the bullsh!t and crap
Confessing to you my sins will not save me
Confessing to you my dreams will not make them fly
Confessing to you my fears will not make them disappeared disappear
And confessing to you my love will not ease the pain
Confessing will not change what I have done, dreamt, feared, and loved.
Confessions only let another soul know what you know
Telling you what you already know
So I confess to you this....confess your own sins
And hear what you already know.

Okay, spally. This is starting to look better. But I hadn't realized that you had edited anything. I just happened to look back in here. If you post a comment about changes, I'll know you're still working on it.

I have some more stuff to say but it's getting late. See you tomorrow evening.

[wyzguy]

If I confessed to you my sins 8
Could you tell me that which I do not know? 10
If I confessed to you my dreams 8
Could you tell me that which I have not seen, 10
If I confessed to you my fears 8
Could you tell me that which I should not fear, 10
If I confessed to you my love 8
Could you tell me that which I have not hurt, 10
I have confessed my sins, my dreams, fears, and love 11
So you could tell me that of which I already know 12
I’ve heard it all 4
All the bull**** and crap 6
Confessing to you my sins will not save me 11
Confessing to you my dreams will not make them fly 12
Confessing to you my fears will not make them disappear 14
And confessing to you my love will not ease the pain 13
Confessing will not change what I have done, dreamt, feared, and loved. 14
Confessions only let another soul know what you know 14
Telling you what you already know 9
So I confess to you this....confess your own sins 12
And hear what you already know. 8


Okay, spally, that's how many syllables on each line. You start off with a particular form and then deviate from that. Either it was intentional or it wasn't. If it was intentional, why? What was your point? If it wasn't intentional, it looks like you don't care. If you don't care, why should the reader.

I'm not saying you can't do what you did. But it should be on purpose. If you decided you wanted to use free verse, you should go back and use it throughout the work, IMO. For help on free verse, talk to Riesa. Some amazing stuff from her. I'm not an expert on poetry forms either. But if you use one, stay with it. Let the creativity flower inside the form.

Just to look at the next 2 lines which deviated from your 8/10 syllable form:

I have confessed my sins, my dreams, fears, and love
So you could tell me that of which I already know

How about:
I spoke my sins, dreams, fears, and love 8
So you could speak what I already know 10

Just food for thought. We already know the theme is confession. You can use other words to hold the rhythm, syllable count and rhyme you want. Also, spoke uses a stronger voice than have confessed.

I'll stop harassing you if you like. :) But I think you could make this really good.

I'll drop back in tomorrow.

[spally]

well thanks. its good to know that i messed up, that way i know what to fix.

[wyzguy]

Okay, so what are you going to fix first?

[Triskele]

i am with ries, the use of you sounds so accusatory and so personal, that it is hard for me the reader to get into this work, which seems almost to try to exclude me from the converstion