Help! How to improve this poem and some suggestions

[brokenheartpoet]

You think your better than us You judge people by many things for instance: clothes, makeup, and the hottest boy in school . Well, at least we get to know the person before we judge . You know the saying do not judge a by its cover . What that is saying you have to actually have to read the book before you make something about the book you have to read it. You think your all big and bad . Yes, not all of our frienship may work. Nevertheless,we make them work as much as possible. Friendship is more than shopping and hot people. True friendship is getting to know the person inside and out. This kind of friendship is to know what makes the person: happy,mad and disappoint. Maybe, if you knew what true friendship is it is like the sunshine even when there is clouds hiding the sun you still know its their . I know it hard to be honest . However, the truth hurts .

[Triskele]

You think your better than us You judge people by many things for instance: clothes, makeup, and the hottest boy in school . Well, at least we get to know the person before we judge . You know the saying do not judge a by its cover . What that is saying you have to actually have to read the book before you make something about the book you have to read it. You think your all big and bad . Yes, not all of our frienship may work. Nevertheless,we make them work as much as possible. Friendship is more than shopping and hot people. True friendship is getting to know the person inside and out. This kind of friendship is to know what makes the person: happy,mad and disappoint. Maybe, if you knew what true friendship is it is like the sunshine even when there is clouds hiding the sun you still know its their . I know it hard to be honest . However, the truth hurts .

i think this poem is far to specific. it sounds like a conversation yah know what i mean, perhaps if you rework it to frame your (valid certainly) point in terms of emotion rather than action

[brokenheartpoet]

Thanks, Triskele I will put the new poem on when I write and complete. Also, who veiw point show I use mine or person in that circle?

[Adolescent09]

I'm going to write a poem right here right now based on my current mood, in exactly one minute counting from now. Judge it.

Vast lands, empty expanse,
nothing on it, but what it bears is great,
physically nonexistant,
but why this weight, sagging mentality,
why the passing?
nothing's there,
I said it before,
the land is bare,
but it is in me,
cool breeze drifting baron land,
my heart beats,
but I am sick,
normal body temperature,
but my organs are cold stone,
I'm baron as this baron land,
so empty, yet so great.

58 seconds on the dot. Give opinions please :)

[brokenheartpoet]

It is awesome, you got talent , your the senior in high school right? Just woundering I am a freshmen in high school and you could really help me , please ?

[Adolescent09]

Oh shoot! I'm sorry I thought this was the open short poem discussion thread!!

[Adolescent09]

I'm sorry for posting in your topic thread broken, but I thank you kindly for your comment. I am a 16 year old homeschooler and I base my poetry on contemporary whims and past reflections. Sometimes my poems are even historical. With poetry you really have to let your mind GO. Just let all of your ideas sift right out of your brain... unlike essay/short story/book writing where you must keep to the specific topic.

[brokenheartpoet]

Here is the frist revision of my previous named poem called You think your better than us here it is : We are so alike In this world of fame and fourtune But, all we see is different clothes and different ways We all are more alike then what we want to admit Because in this nasty world People commited crimes for the thrill of committing the crime ; suicide , cutting themselves Who has not dealt with this? But, we seem to care more about "me" then "we" We are like vultures who eat the animal until there is no more to eat So alike that we are sealedto our own selves

[NDL]

Hi Adolescent09
Sounds as if you're planning to be a virtuoso. 58 seconds? I'm afraid it shows. You need to work on it. 5 hours might do it. Then come back.
btw "barren" not "baron"

[NDL]

Brokenheartpoet
"You think your better than us" is just a piece of prose, rather banal at that. There's more poetry in the phonebook. Poems have to be crafted, not just written. Get working.

[Isagel]

Hello brokenheartpoet.
You asked for some suggestions, and how to make the poem better. Your revised version is better, I think. Still in it´s current form this is, like NDL writes, a piece of prose. You need to do some restructuring. I would advise you to try and write some different versions in different styles. Look some up in a poetry book. What kind of poetry do you like? And you need to have a look at the spelling. I hopes this does not sound to harsh, but if you seriously want to improve there is no easy way out, only hard work. If you want help , just let me know.

[brokenheartpoet]

Thanks, Isagel I would like help

[Adolescent09]

Hi Adolescent09
Sounds as if you're planning to be a virtuoso. 58 seconds? I'm afraid it shows. You need to work on it. 5 hours might do it. Then come back.
btw "barren" not "baron"

Wow rude... yes it took 58 seconds and yes it might show... but let me inform you that some of the greatest poetic works of all time took less than 1 minute to write so your smart *** "5 hours might do it" comment isn't so justified. Yes, it's barren.. and that poem was not meant to be placed in this topic.

[ktd222]

NDL,
Your idea of criticism is vague, condescending remarks? Why don’t you start by asking Adolescent09 what he/she was trying to create? Or at least explain what aspects of the poem you disliked. Get into a conversation with the poet and who knows, maybe you could learn something about giving proper criticism. There is no time line in determining when a poem is ‘done’. Not every poem’s thrust depends on creating meter, or rhyme scheme. Prose writing can be poetry. It is about how the climactic moment is reached; and not about whether the poet is using the proper vehicle(in your view) to do so.