An Empty House

[Bii]

Well, this is officially my first ever poem so I'd really appreciate your views on it. Theme is about loneliness, coming out the other side of Christmas sometimes it really brings it home how lonely it is to be alone. Thanks in advance!!!

An Empty House

Poem withdrawn - for reasons one can only wonder on........

[Jean-Baptiste]

Hello, Bii! :wave:

I really like the rhythm of this poem; it's sort of mesmerizing. That's kicked off by the early alliteration, and throughout the poem the rhyme scheme catches each thought and throws off the rhythm, without disrupting the flow. The way I describe it doesn't seem right, and makes it sound awful, but I mean to say that it creates some sort of slow vibration that simultaneously holds the reader back, and moves him forward. I got stuck in the line that begins "I search," and it gives me the image, when coupled with the rhythm, of sort of lurching, staggering through the house in despair. I like that very much. I like the way the components of the poem fit the theme.

The more I think about it, the more I like what you've done here. I'm impressed! Thanks for sharing it with me.

[Bii]

Hi Jean-Baptiste - thanks! Glad you enjoyed it - feedback is much appreciated!

[Ema]

I liked your poem Bii..

The ticking of the time, the descending of solititude, the heart resigning to darkness and the breath fading ....

I liked the slow, live and gradual flow of the images....

yet , here I am alone !! the sad reality.

very good.

but I think it needs to be revised and change a little bit in the structure...esp the first stanza

[dyingflame]

I must say that I can really identify with it- I was, not so long ago, in the very situation it so delicately, trembingly, dashingly, coldly, describes: the adjectives I used are the feelings I felt while reading it, feelings of rememberance- feelings of reality- I also like the "personality" of it i.e how personal it is, especially here:

My voice dies in the emptiness.
My breath turns air to dust.
My heart resigns to darkness.
My blood dries into rust.

[ennison]

Nice. Your handling of sound is very skilful for a first poem. I like the varied patterns too, especially the move to end stopped lines with similar beginnings in the fourth stanza. I like the line 'day concedes to night'. Keep it up. But don't be lonely.
I'm away now to take the stew out of the oven as my young fellow will be home from the ferry hungry soon.

[dramasnot6]

You had a nice rhyme scheme and a creative flow between stanzas. You may want to ease the transition between themes though, for instance
My voice dies in the emptiness.
My breath turns air to dust.
My heart resigns to darkness.
My blood dries into rust.

Outside, are friendly faces
yet here I am, alone
in these souless, timeless places.
My life. My heart. My home.

There could have been a smoother transition between the two.
But you really have a talent for description! Well done

[latimeri]

When you are sitting in custody alone, listen to the empty silence around you ,then you feel very alone and insular, but getting out and join the crown out side, you will not remember the silence and the poem

[vodka]

i liked your poem very much. i think you have a lot of natural talent, especially with imagery.

however, i think it's sort of cheating to use adverbs to rhyme the ends of lines repetitively. also, i think adverbs are best used to modify verbs in a way in which the verb doesn't already imply for us. like when you say 'slippered feet' the reader already gets a picture of the soundlessness in their head and it makes the use of 'soundlessly' feel a bit redundant.

i hope that helps some for revision's sake.

jen

[Haven]

Well, this is officially my first ever poem so I'd really appreciate your views on it. Theme is about loneliness, coming out the other side of Christmas sometimes it really brings it home how lonely it is to be alone. Thanks in advance!!!

An Empty House

Outside, are friendly faces
yet here I am, alone
in these souless, timeless places.
My life. My heart. My home.

I think that especially in this last verse, you have caught the essence of loneliness and the way that it is experienced by the individual. Outside, are friendly faces...so true you can be surrounded by friends and still feel alone. It is I believe your comment on the human condition. Not just the uncertainty, but also, what is the point of it all? Haven.

[Pendragon]

Like the others I find these to be the lines that stood out most:



My voice dies in the emptiness.
My breath turns air to dust.
My heart resigns to darkness.
My blood dries into rust.


Excellent poem. If this is your first, you are a natural! Nice, even flow! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif

[Brady10]

I like this poem. My interpretation of it is that you are in a state of mind in which questions that have no answers keep running through your head, and you can't escape these questions. It seems that you look to questions that can be easily answered as sort of a safe haven, yet they only make the situation worse. I may be way off on this one, but I think that poetry is just as much about what the reader gets out of it as it is about the author's initial meaning.

But anways, keep up the good work. You've got some really good imagery, and it paints a really good picture. I like it.

[AZBOUND]

I really enjoyed your poem, the sence of reality stands out.
My God, if this is your 1st poem i'm staying on the porch :).
as they say, you are a natural. Keep up the good work.

PS ( I know just being in the grim north can make you feel that way).

[Bii]

Thank you all for your input - you really are all too kind :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

I think it is time you wrote and posted your 2nd, 3rd and 12th poems! (In other words, I loved this.)

[Elle***]

^^^^
i agree
i really enjoyed reading this poem as i felt it was flowing and it had a real affective rhyme scheme...keep writing because your very talented!

[linz]

I enjoyed your poem, it spoke of a what many people feel. Many artists of the past had a similar lonely heart with its inner sanctum being depression. The rhyming is first rate, the ending had great finality as well. There was a time in my life I could relate wholly with what the poem said.

Please read 'The Maker', it is my new poem.

[destiny diadem]

I enjoyed your poem. It was well-written. I can relate to the lonely feeling in that poem.

[quasimodo1]

To Bii: If this is your first entry, you have the gift. quasimodo1

[Janna Nijland]

Think of the luck you have to be able to see the light of day. So many of the potential humans that were competing when you were conceived didn't make it! Marvel in the miracle of Nature, how everything is connected with every breath you are part of the Whole!

Good luck!