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View Full Version : Can I please get at least 1 opinion for this essay.



Adolescent09
01-10-2007, 07:06 PM
I wrote this for an SAT assignment.. I have not recieved the scored yet but I would be greatful if someone could rate it on a scale of 1-5. I don't think I ended it very well but tell me what you think... The topic is present a thought provoking opinion based on self experience, current events... etc.."The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves" I wrote it to break my writer's block but I don't think I was very successful:

The topic presented; "The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves", is subject to diverse opinion based on the grounds of personal experience or observation. More or less we can deduce that the objective of grief is placed on a wide scale from circumstances to initial motives. The latter grief is unprecedented and seemingly dire but does no pose as an excuse for lack of self initiate. For example, people who are born into poverty and crime predominated thoroughfares may be grief stricken due to natural circumstances. Grief, although a nifty excuse to fall back on and express as an epitome of one's predicaments, might have been justified in the past but not today. Certain restrictions and mandates of the past, mostly limiting the freedoms of women, Jews, blacks and others of diverse ethnicity made it potentially impossible to increase social status. But today in superpower democratic nations which have put an end to theologian ostracism, racial segregation and sexism, virtually anything is possible depending on the will and self initiative of the being. Another circumstance of grief is death, but in most cases people accept the fact that life goes on. Grievance of death fluctuates greatly depending on the being's will power. For instance, many more people are liable to grieve over the consequential demise of a child than the natural demise of a 90-year old heat patient. Grief may be a reoccurring aberration of retrospect, where the being has experienced a poor childhood life or witnessed inconventional death at a very young age. This reoccurring
grief usually culminates in depression or inability to restore one's mind to the present from distant sorrowful thoughts. Whatever the case, grief is either intentionally imposed or circumstance intervenes and proliferates grief on its own accord.

In most circumstances which result in grief, we are the ones who inflict it upon ourselves.

brokenheartpoet
01-14-2007, 04:49 PM
That is written very well. No, compliant here. But, work on the way you presented the topic and supporting facts need a little work

Adolescent09
01-14-2007, 05:12 PM
WOHOO i got one comment!

Neil Thomas
01-31-2007, 09:02 PM
I'm sure it makes perfect sence to you but man did I struggle with that. The last part I loved, the last two sentences. Ok, If it was the same messsge but 38% simpler prose it would work better for me.

Adolescent09
01-31-2007, 10:08 PM
I think it's a bit too pretentious. I will work on making my message more explicit and conveying it without obscuring my meaning. I'm prone to do that at times. I'm sorry.

Neil Thomas
02-01-2007, 12:36 AM
You are forgivien my son. :thumbs_up

Dreadnought
02-25-2007, 11:00 AM
I'm sure it makes perfect sence to you but man did I struggle with that. The last part I loved, the last two sentences. Ok, If it was the same messsge but 38% simpler prose it would work better for me.

While not directly agreeing with the purported message of Neil, I'm going to have to indirectly support what he is saying, though I may tamper it to better match my own feelings.

It is obvious that you have, at your fingertips, a very firm and broad command of English vocabulary. However, the way in which you presented your advanced diction seemed to be almost invalidated by the simplicity of structure and syntax that you used. Quite plainly, though I do not believe you to be pretentious of spirit in the least, your essay comes across as being overtly verbose, as the diction does not quite fit the syntax.

Moreover, it seemed to me that you did not really answer the prompt. While you did an excellent job of extrapolating on the naturally or situationally circumstantial grief, I felt that you did not even begin to actually describe the added pangs of a self-prescribed grief.

However, this is, overall, one of the best essays that I have read coming from a fellow high-school student. It would not surprise me in the least if you were to get an unchallenged perfect score on this paper.

A job well done :thumbs_up

ennison
02-25-2007, 04:06 PM
Don't obscure your meaning with too many words. Simplify. Grief is sadness. That simple fact is'nt made enough of. It's best to write about abstact ideas from a position of personal experience. Have you ever felt sorry, very sorry about something you had done. Have you ever experienced loss. If neither of these apply you are liable to end up with sterile meandering.

Adolescent09
02-25-2007, 04:26 PM
Now that I read my essay for the second time in three weeks I can pinpoint a plethora of grammatical and spelling mistakes overtly present. Impetously posting while failing to clarify my point has severely limited the quality and merit this essay had the potential of recieving. The first sentence alone stipulates a superfluous message and should instantly be omitted while the remainder of my essay conveys thoughts that are so obscurely abstract that they aren't even worth reading. I respect you two (dreadnought and ennison) for having the courtesy of replying to my thread, ostensibly lured here by the imploring topic title, but this essay must undergo perusal and change before it may be presented in a concise, properly mannered and sophisticated form. I thank you all again.

ennison
02-25-2007, 04:58 PM
I get the strong impression of legs being pulled here. Good on you if so.

As an additional point, the word 'greatest' is a superlative as in 'great', 'greater', 'greatest' so there is implied a need for you to do some comparison between griefs. For example when one is young something might cause us grief which a few years later we see as trivial (didn't seem that at the time though) because a worse thing has happened. The essay task demands that you at least nod at those griefs caused to us and compare them with something done by us which causes us grief.