Testing the poetry waters, Update 1

[blackbird_9]

By no means do I consider myself a poet, but I do enjoy writing the darn stuff so I might as well attempt to improve it. All comments and advise welcome.

I Am

I am the cover-bound freedom promised to my fate
holding back by breaking down
left with colors lost behind the kitsch of pitch black paint.

I am the killer of every breath of reason,
sentenced and confined to static prison,
caught in the repeated waltz of true love's crusifixion.

I am the wielder of creation's bloodless blade
cutting sunken eyes of broken birds
driven by the belief of destined flight betrayed .

I am the white raised by the surrendered
and glory's sin which intoxicates the victorious.
I am the unrequited.
I am my future's sacrifice.


Notes?: "caught in the repeated waltz of true love's crusifixion" ( line 6) used to be "caught in the repeated murder of love's crusifixion" untill I realized that murdering a crusifixion made little sense and, if anything, contradicted what I was trying to say. So it is what it is for now, or at least untill I find a 2 syllable word to properly replace "murder".

[Triskele]

hmmm... i like it, rebounding and reflecting on itself in little swirls of logic, or perhaps emotivist reason? who knows, but it sounds almost prophetic, good work...

[ktd222]

I like the concept of your poem but I can’t wrap my head around all the objects you use for symbolism. Simply put: sturdy from the outside, hollow on the inside.
I think your poem is about the ‘I’ representing objects like the bible that require one’s devotion into what it requires of us to gain access to it’s prize. Whatever that may be, heaven? But I think what ends up happening is nothing, no reciprocation for the sacrifice. It is a rainbow without a pot of gold at the end. Sorry for the silly reference. Be more direct. So I think if you are talking about the bible you should say bible. If you are talking about crucifixion, speak about it straightforward. Say something like this:

I am the killer of every breath of reason
you use to justify the crucifixion.

The word waltz really does take the tone of seriousness out of your poem.
If you want to try and create a kind of ‘you are ignorant effect,’ then maybe repeat a line in every stanza.
I like the imagery of ‘creation’s bloodless blade,’ it contrasts so well when I think of crucifixion and the gore and blood. It’s like the ‘bloodless blade’ is what is real and the crucifixion is the lie; and this goes so well with the ‘white flag(no blood)’ reference that you use in the next stanza, although I don’t really get the reference. Maybe just say it in a more straightforward manner.

[Pendragon]

It's good. Good imagery. I would advise running the poem through spell-check before posting, however. It doesn't take but a second, and it does help. Heaven knows I have to do so, I'm slightly dyslexic! I get a different picture from the poem than KTD, but that is good. A poem should be written so that the reader supplies part of the meaning. Like art or inkblots. But never lose your individuality. All of us are different. Good luck! :thumbs_up :)

[ktd222]

It's good. Good imagery. I would advise running the poem through spell-check before posting, however. It doesn't take but a second, and it does help. Heaven knows I have to do so, I'm slightly dyslexic! I get a different picture from the poem than KTD, but that is good. A poem should be written so that the reader supplies part of the meaning. Like art or inkblots. But never lose your individuality. All of us are different. Good luck! :thumbs_up :)

Yes, it is very important to not lose your individuality. But I wonder how does one find it? Pen, I think the picture you got was similar to Triskele's, of person 'standing' up and believing blindly for everything the bible offers, believing their is an ends to a means. It was a late night:nod: and the words did kind of run together into one confusing image.

[blackbird_9]

Thank you so much for the comments. I'm pleased to have some real advise and opinions to work off of now. I can't tell you how many forums and journal groups I've been to trying to get good constructive criticism. Oh an sorry about the spelling. I usually run everything through spell check because I'm so terrible at it; I think I just copied this from an old file that never got checked. Thanx again! More writings are on their way. They're going through some editing right now.

[blackbird_9]

I can also understand it being confusing. I suppose something I've been seeing in my work is how insanely cryptic it is. I'm pretty sure that lies in the fact that I was writing more for myself than anything, and that's a big no no if I'm going to actually present it as a piece for other people to read. I've started taking that into consideration with my new works.

[Triskele]

true true, although i think that you should try to involve more with your reader, find some paralles so that everyone can identify with whatever specific emotions you feel, just a thought