And Now I Wait

[SleepyWitch]

tadaaaa, my latest poem, written last night while sorting out my paperwork.
it's not my best (whatever that may mean) but it needed to be written.
I'm not too happy with the last line, but I've edited it three times already and this is the lesser evil.
CRITICISM? ~THANKS~

And now I wait

She shook my young offender's hand
so many years ago
in speechless summer heat
we said "hello" and glared.
Now sod my brilliant intellect
that took ten years to find
the words
I should have told her then.

Until that day I pictured her
A garish ancient dragon-wife
Fat-arsed with brittle hair
A hag, a gossip, arrogant and cool.
Deserved it! Yes, she did!
And if he chose to mess around
Then how was I to blame?

Now he is just a distant dream,
the shadow of a fevered love
But she can still inspire me
"Not very much!"
I hasten to admit
But still she's worth a line
or two
not every story, every line
That's asking a bit much

But still I often tell myself
"She's strong", that midlife girl
from many years ago,
who makes me think
I was a toy,
foul-copied by a twist of chance
when she had grown too much
herself
for that old boy to grasp.

And now I wait.
Not every day, keep that in mind
but once or twice a year
And when we meet again
in twenty, fourty years from now
I’ll have this speech prepared.

[dramasnot6]

Absolutely fascinating voice, for such a short poem you covered many levels of persona and internal conflicts. I like the story you used to do so too. Definetly the dominant poetic feature of this poem is the voice...very well done :)

[SleepyWitch]

thanks Drama :)
care to elaborate on the 'voice'?

[Countess]

Wow - very passionate. Mother? Daughter? Not you?

[SleepyWitch]

nope, it's not mother and daughter. something a bit more complex and unexpected :)

[jon1jt]

the poem moves along well and held my interest. i don't see anything wrong with the last line at all. you go on to tell us that the person is arrogent, "cool" -- cool you can do without. i think the reader can already draw from the poem the kind of person she is. "Far arsed with brittle hair" sums it up for me. :lol: it also has a wistful, nostalgic feel that i really like.

thanks for sharing!

[SleepyWitch]

hehe :) nope she's not that kind of person...
"Until that day I pictured her
...."
is supposed to mean that until they met the narrator imagined the person would be like that but she isn't really!
did i pick the wrong phrasing??? please let me know if it's confusing

[dramasnot6]

thanks Drama :)
care to elaborate on the 'voice'?

The voice just seems to make these fascinating yet smooth transitions in tone between stanzas. The first one seems much more sentimental, where as the second is kind of comical. It definetly works in keeping you interested.

[Petrarch's Love]

Hi Sleepy--No, I don't think it's confusing. I got it right off. I think this is the first poem I've ever read from the point of view of an adulterer's mistriss describing his wife. I think you pulled it off brilliantly, but I can't help feeling sad that she feels it's inevitable that the same will happen to her. Nicely done.

[ShoutGrace]

I very much enjoyed this poem, Sleepy. Did you write it in English originally? The "hallo" makes me think you did.


nope, it's not mother and daughter. something a bit more complex and unexpected :)

Anything to do with these lines? :D

"Deserved it! Yes, she did!
And if he chose to mess around
Then how was I to blame?"


Thanks for sharing. :)

[ShoutGrace]

Ok, PL just said it explicitly, I was going to be subtler and perhaps more caring, but whatever. :D ;) I'm really kidding. :nod:

[SleepyWitch]

wow PL, you're so smart! How did you know?
well, there's gotta be a reason you're a univ teacher :)

Shouty, the a in hallo is totally random. I never seem to remember which is British and which is American. Actually, hello with an e is both British and American and hallo is old fashhioned British...
changed it :)

[Triskele]

i like it, just jam packed wit emotion, it seems a bit bitter to me, but i think that it convey's a certainl level of emotion with that bitterness that most poems fail to, well done.

[SleepyWitch]

thanks Triskele :)

[SleepyWitch]

I'm still not too happy with the last line
any suggestions???

[blp]

Great rhythm.

Your feelings about the last line remind me of a bit of Beckett I read the other day. (I seem to be quoting Beckett at everyone here lately). From Molloy: Now I am willing to believe, indeed I firmly believe, that other solutions to this problem might have been found, and indeed may still be found, no less sound, but much more elegant, than the one I shall now describe, if I can. And I believe too that had I been a little more insistent, a little more resistant, I could have found them myself. But I was tired, but I was tired, and I contented myself ingloriously with the first solution that was a solution, to this problem.

No suggestions, but I agree there may still be a problem. My problem with the last line is that it doesn't seem accurate. Surely the poem isn't what you would have liked to say to her, just an account of your meeting and subsequent feelings.

Don't think you need your first lot of inverted commas. Could probably do without the second. But other than that, nicely done.

[SleepyWitch]

Great rhythm.

Your feelings about the last line remind me of a bit of Beckett I read the other day. (I seem to be quoting Beckett at everyone here lately). From Molloy: Now I am willing to believe, indeed I firmly believe, that other solutions to this problem might have been found, and indeed may still be found, no less sound, but much more elegant, than the one I shall now describe, if I can. And I believe too that had I been a little more insistent, a little more resistant, I could have found them myself. But I was tired, but I was tired, and I contented myself ingloriously with the first solution that was a solution, to this problem.

No suggestions, but I agree there may still be a problem. My problem with the last line is that it doesn't seem accurate. Surely the poem isn't what you would have liked to say to her, just an account of your meeting and subsequent feelings.

Don't think you need your first lot of inverted commas. Could probably do without the second. But other than that, nicely done.

heehee, that's a cool quote :)

Surely the poem isn't what you would have liked to say to her, just an account of your meeting and subsequent feelings.
yep that's right. but I'm actually more worried about the rhythm and.. dunno semantic weight (is there such a word) of the last line.. the poem kind of peters out towards the end rather than ending on an insightful line that brings about some revelation or something....
what about the rhythm of the last (2) line(s)???
sorry i'm absolutely hopeless at reading poetry and getting the rhythm even though i try to write poems

[blp]

If you're worried about rhythm, perhaps you should study metre a little. Petrarch's Love might be able to help. 'Fraid I can't though. I no nofin.

If you want more semantic weight, don't you just mean you want it to be more meaningful? Take notes. What did you want to say to her? Did you know there's a French expression for when you leave a situation and realise what you should have said? l'esprit d'escalier - the spirit of the staircase. I think there's an equivalent in German too.

[SleepyWitch]

ah.. i know that one...it's trepverter (sp?) or something in Yiddish... great, i read this Yiddish word in a book (probably Saul Bellow) but i can't seem to remember the German expression....

yep, i meant more meaningful :)
thanks :)